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PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

(241 Posts)
Doingitover Tue 19-Jun-18 09:55:04

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.
It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Doingitover Tue 19-Jun-18 09:55:27

Thanks in advance for any advice x

VikingBlonde Tue 19-Jun-18 09:57:19

sad I'm sure they didn't mean to be hurtful. But I would feel sad too if it were me. thanks

GreatDuckCookery Tue 19-Jun-18 09:58:55

That's really hurtful OP. I think I would ask DP to speak to his parents about it and explain just how upset your Ds was that his name wasn't on it. Yes they will be embarrassed but hey ho.

Nicknacky Tue 19-Jun-18 09:58:57

By the sounds of it, it wasn’t deliberate and he intended to have your sons name included and will ensure it won’t happen again.

To consider telling him to fuck off over a bereavement notice that he is obviously still upset about would be bang out of order.

I would let it go.

Melliegrantfirstlady Tue 19-Jun-18 10:02:03

It depends. If this was an over sight then I’d let it go. If this was done on purpose then I’d let them know your son was hurt.

Do you think these people did it on purpose?

GreatDuckCookery Tue 19-Jun-18 10:04:37

If they've added the one year old then it's odd that they didn't add the older boy, surely?

bigbluebus Tue 19-Jun-18 10:04:54

Do they generally include their step grandson in other things ie gifts at Christmas and birthday)? - I'm making the assumption that your other child is actually their grandchild whereas your eldest is your from a previous relationship. If they are normally inclusive then I would let it drop but maybe make a note to give them a timely reminder next year to make sure they include DS1 as he was upset that he was missed off last year and considers them to be his family.

Mrskray Tue 19-Jun-18 10:05:12

I have the same family set up as you do. I would leave it but keep an eye on how things go from now on. Any more moves to leave your lad out of things will need addressing.

Remember too that inadequate human beings who become grandparents often have favourites even among their blood GC.

Doingitover Tue 19-Jun-18 10:08:24

I think grandad is a lovely man who adores both kids.
I think nan plays a bit of a game. It was nan who placed the ad. She dotes on the little one. Makes huge family statements on Facebook, dramatises everything.
Then leaves him out. My youngest was added onto the memorial last year (he died 15 years ago(. So when little one was added eldest was left off. We didn't see the memorial last year so it wasn't an issue.
But we know now this is the second year he's been left off it.
To make it worse my son is eldest out of 3 grandkids. So he chose grandad card and signed it off all 3 😢

PedroLostHisGlasses Tue 19-Jun-18 10:09:17

Did they remember your eldest in the note last year? If so, I imagine it really was a genuine oversight this year. It happens sometimes even in families without "step"-GC. Upsetting yes, but an honest mistake.

On the other hand if they leave him out every year, it's definitely worth having a chat with them.

PedroLostHisGlasses Tue 19-Jun-18 10:09:40

Sorry cross-post!

watchingwithinterest Tue 19-Jun-18 10:15:56

Has your child been left off for one or two years?

This is important, if it is just one year let it go, see what happens next year and allow them a second chance (it may just be a mistake)

If this is the second year then clearly it isn't a mistake, and I would be raising it with them by phone how hurtful it is, and it really can't happen again. Assuming they apologise and are treating all dc equally most of the time then that would be reasonable.

You have a much bigger problem if they are treating the dc differently.

GreatDuckCookery Tue 19-Jun-18 10:16:30

Has your eldest ever been on it?

Ariela Tue 19-Jun-18 10:17:01

Also worth remembering that old people get forgetful

FleeceDetective Tue 19-Jun-18 10:21:09

How long has he been in their life for?

Thehop Tue 19-Jun-18 10:24:25

How long as he been in theor life for?

FizzyGreenWater Tue 19-Jun-18 10:24:26

I think I would ask your DH to speak to his mum alone and tell her in no uncertain terms that if he ever, ever sees anything like that again, then she will be seeing a lot less of all her grandchildren. Also to look her in the eye and say, firstly, me and my family were really hurt and secondly, do you know the moment we saw that we both thought that it would have come from you not dad. And leave that thought with her.

Doingitover Tue 19-Jun-18 10:24:28

2nd year. The little one had to be added last year (he was 10 months old at the time).
So they called the paper and added his name to grandchildren.
They didn't add my eldest.
This year they have renewed the add (I presume the paper will have read out what was going in). The nan either hasn't noticed he wasn't on it. Or has but has left him out.
None of the family noticed he had been left out last year. (We live in another part of the country so we didn't actually see it.
Obviously grandad hasn't noticed. As I know he wouldn't have embarrassed himself or my boy intentionally. Nan was out the room. So didn't witness what happened. And now it's forgotten except for me in the background.
I did completely the wrong thing by reacting like it didn't matter. As my FIL was embarrassed. But I should have worried more about my boy feeling left out than another adults hurt feelings.
And now I don't know how to show my son that I did the wrong thing. I should justified his reaction. X

Postymalone Tue 19-Jun-18 10:25:34

Not really their grandchild though?

QuiteUnfitBit Tue 19-Jun-18 10:25:50

I think in those circumstances, it'd be quite easy to make a mistake and forget. Their step grandchild was slowly assimilated into the family, so they didn't think of changing the notice. The latest grandchild would have arrived suddenly, so they'd think to change the notice, but forgot about your eldest. If they're happy to change it next year, it's just one of those things.

Doingitover Tue 19-Jun-18 10:27:25

He's been in their life for 5 years. And it that time he has been ill and had a number of serious operations. So I know I over worry about him.
They have 3 grandchildren in total (including my eldest) x

QuiteUnfitBit Tue 19-Jun-18 10:27:59

PS I doubt anyone noticed, because people just skip over things, hence why people employ proofreaders.

Shumpalumpa Tue 19-Jun-18 10:28:21

It's still not too late to raise, it was only 3days ago!

Definitely get DH to have a word. Tell them it's unacceptable and if it happens again then it's obvious they don't value the whole family and so visits to them will be reduced.

MorrisZapp Tue 19-Jun-18 10:28:24

Was your son close to his step great grandad?

If they're otherwise nice I wouldn't make anything of this.

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