To get the rage at some people’s obsession with labelling themselves?

[gimmestrengf]

I’m a medical professional with a very particular neurology niche which I write about and practice in.

It’s one of these topics which has become popularised recently and the popularised version of it attributes labels to people and puts people in certain neuro boxes or categories. If I try and think of a well-known equivalent, I would say it’s a bit like astrology where you can be a Taurus or a Libra or any of the other “sun signs”, and there are personality profiles and they’re associated with different traits and looks and types.

I have written a few papers and been featured in some articles about it too.
Also due to research, my home is full of books relating to the specialism and there are little hints of it everywhere, purely because it has been such a huge part of my working life.

Whenever anyone - family, friend, acquaintance, stranger, workman - comes over to my house or sees any part of that life or that I do what I do, they ALL say, “oh, you MUST tell me about me...”

I shared a really important piece of research regarding the topic on social media the other day, and all the comments from people I knew were “you need to do me - you’ve never checked me.”

I wrote about it in a journal last year, and the response over text and email from friends was “why won’t you test me? I need that done.”

I won an award five years ago and guess what my family and friends response was? “Oh, you won it for that thing you do? I need you to do me sometime.”

It’s treated like some kind of party trick and not my job or something for people who have quite serious problems. At weddings people bring it up. The last wedding I went to someone said “gimme strengf diagnoses X conditions.
Go round the table and tell us all what we are. Come on! It’s so and so’s wedding day!”

It drives me completely mad that people’s first response to something which is actually quite complex to diagnose, often inaccurate and defining it is actually only relevant to certain people with much bigger problems my friends can imagine is: “ME. What about me? What type am I? What category am I in? can you just take a quick guess? Go on -I’m your friend/relation/builder. But you see me every day! Surely you must have noticed what type I am?”

I’ve had friends be upset with me for not examining them, or after a few drinks at a party drunkenly imply I am withholding information about them like a power trip. One friend stole some of my textbooks off my shelf to try and diagnose herself and then presented me the next week with various pages bookmarked where she had tried to narrow her “type” down and wanted me to confirm yes or no.

Another filled in one of these popular internet questionnaires about the topic and sent me 6 screen shots of her answers over wats app, and said she was confused about her “result,” and posed it like it was some intellectual question and she’d already done most of the legwork for me and I just had to say yes or no, X or Y. Another friend after doing something similar now uses a hastag on all social media posts after self diagnosing her type. For eg, the astrology equivalent would be #libra #libragoals #libralife #thelibrastruggle #librasurvivor #libradiagnosis

From strangers and people I meet in a functional way I get “I bet you’ve already seen what i am haven’t you? I’m a type A aren’t I? Funnily enough we always suspected old aunt jean was a type A. It’s An interesting story actually. Oh that’s a funny face! Must be a bad thing then. Is it bad?”

I know it is normal human curiosity. I know it is the fault of popularised science that people see quite complex, pathological things as fitting neatly into types and boxes and having some personal relevance to them, but it is so self absorbed.

I am kind and friendly about it on the surface. I try and help people if I can. In the past and in the beginning when I had more tolerance for it, I would actually make a few educated guesses with disclaimers when asked questions, but guess what? It’s not that easy and it would never stop there. “But surely i’m not bordering on A? I don’t fit the (google/Wikipedia) description of that type at all. I always thought I was B. Why am I A and not B? Did I tell you about great uncle sammy who always did X?”

But it makes me internally bang my head against the wall about humanity, the complete and utter self obsession of it all. And even worse, even if people are completely self obsessed, that they are not self aware enough to try and tone it down?

Imagine if the only response your best friend or family members ever had to your lifelong career achievements was “but what about me? You must tell me about me!”

To me this is my life’s work. It tires me and frustrates me and it is terribly under researched and inaccurate and not like the popular version at all. I tell people that but it doesn’t put them off. And I know that all I am ever going to get for the rest of my life from people I know is “please tell me what I am.”

I’m looking really, to know whether AIBU. But also to understand more what gets my goat about this so much. Would it bother you if that was all people were ever asking you for?

[AsAProfessionalFekko]

I an feel your pain through your post!

Dad had similar so we used to tell everyone that he was a circus tightrope walker.

[hildabaker]

You should create a label for those people treating your research as if it were pop-psychology.

I agree with AsA: just tell people you work in Tescos. (Nothing wrong with working in Tescos)

[rosesandflowers1]

Is it something similar to the personality type tests (INTP etc.)? DD got into that very recently.

That must be incredibly frustrating. I'd just start saying "no" when asked, without any further explanation.

A bit blunt but they'd quiet down.

[MoonsAndJunes]

I know it is normal human curiosity. I know it is the fault of popularised science that people see quite complex, pathological things as fitting neatly into types and boxes and having some personal relevance to them, but it is so self absorbed.

How do these self absorbed friends know so much about what you do OP? Did you tell them all about your research, awards, life's work at some point?

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

YANBU.

Practice a coolly assertive ‘oh, I keep it to within work hours or i’d get sick of doing it! So how have you been?’

Anyone who respects you will accept that first time, someone who keeps pushing isn’t a true friend.

If they’re genuinely curious they can make an appointment to see you when it’s convenient and pay for your expertise.

[lljkk]

Could you say "I can't diagnose someone from brief contact; it takes hours of assessment & I can't afford to give all that time away for free.... so, what type of biscuits do we have to eat?"

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

And if you want to encourage that you can carry some business cards with you and hand them to someone who is curious, say they can shoot you an email so you can talk times and prices.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I think you're being rather high and mighty about it. Just let it wash over you. You really need not engage to this extent.

[gimmestrengf]

moons and Junes because I have books at my house and because it’s a current buzz topic in the press and I occasionally give statements or quotes. Obviously I share the occasional bit of research on social media because I consider developments really important. But that’s because I see it as important from a science/humanity perspective for people with severe problems, not as an open door for normal functioning people to relate it directly to themselves.

[ShamelesslyPlacemarking]

Well you can’t expect to study personality disorders without every narcissist coming out of the woodwork.

Sorry, I know you’re bored of jokes! That must be extremely frustrating. I can empathize in a vague way as I used to be a mode agent and was constantly put on the spot by people wanting to know what I thought their chances for modeling were and then complaining that “Well Kate Moss is only 5’5” when I tried to let them down gently.

Can you wave people away by saying that it’s professionally frowned on to diagnose outside of the official 600-question list but if they ever have five hours and are willing to pay for a DNA sample and brain scan you’d be happy to run them through it?

[gimmestrengf]

vladimirsputin you are mistaking what I am asking here. I am not asking how to say no - I do say no. I am asking whether AIBU to find it this aspect of human nature so depressing and maddening?

[phlewf]

I don’t mean to be harsh but it’s nothing to do with your “life's work” being used as a party trick. You have an interesting job, people can see that. Comedians get asked to tell jokes, singers told to sing at every occasion, my friends is an accountant and regularly is asked to do tax returns for nothing. You feel people aren’t respecting how important your work is, that’s your issue. Find a way of saying you can’t just snap your fingers and diagnose. Isn’t it enough to say you cant be neutral with someone you know personally? Or it takes 12 hours in-depth work? Or you tried it once and no longer speak to the person so you’ll not be doing it again.

I’m not saying it’s not maddening but find a 1 sentence refusal.

[PalePinkSwan]

I’d find that annoying. Generally I think we have a very self-obsessed narcissistic culture - people only care about your career in terms of how it directly relates to them, and want a label for attention.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

It’s impossible to know if you ABU without know what it is that you do to be honest. To be honest if it is the personality type tests then the response seems normal.

[ShamelesslyPlacemarking]

YANBU to find it maddening and depressing but Y might be a bit U to find it surprising given the history of the whole world.

[MoonsAndJunes]

You share the articles on SM, you share statements & quotes and it's currently a 'buzz topic' in the press but, when friends talk about it, find it interesting & try to relate what you are sharing with them to their own lives, you find it annoying?

[phlewf]

Ok. I went then wrong way.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable because you life’s work is labelling people and it hasn’t occurred to you that people like having labels put on them. Maybe there’s something in the research ...

[pacer142]

You have an interesting job, people can see that. Comedians get asked to tell jokes, singers told to sing at every occasion, my friends is an accountant and regularly is asked to do tax returns for nothing.

Have to agree with this. It's not specific to "your" work - to an extent, everyone will get this kind of thing, especially professionals and experts etc. I'm an accountant with a specialism and got totally fed up with people asking for freebie advice and telling me their tales of woe about HMRC at social events. Now I just tell people I run an online business - which is true as it's mostly online, and sufficiently vague and boring that people don't ask anything else!

[TheHeartOfTafiti]

A lot of people get this in their job though don’t they? Plumbers probably get lots of texts from mates who want advice about plumbing, I dread to think about the amount of informal advice GPs must be tapped up for. I’m a midwife and frequently get people recounting their/their daughter’s/their friend’s/neighbour’s birth experience and asking me to comment on it. I get you’re saying that your work is being ‘dumbed down’ but, again, I’m sure lots of jobs have this (eg psychologists who get people saying they’re a little bit OCD - must give them the rage).

You just need to come up with a stock answer along the lines that your work is serious and you prefer to keep it at work unless someone has a significant issue (in which case they need a medical referral). Your friend who stole your textbook is plain odd though. Have you ever told anyone how you feel and asked them to stop?

[pacer142]

You share the articles on SM, you share statements & quotes and it's currently a 'buzz topic' in the press but, when friends talk about it, find it interesting & try to relate what you are sharing with them to their own lives, you find it annoying?

Err Yes! Because it's the separation between work and social/private life. Perhaps the OP wants to leave "work" behind when they're socialising and prefers to discuss other more interesting things with their friends/family. I don't think anyone wants to "work" 24/7 do they? Most people socialise because they want a break from work!

[pasturesgreen]

You have distinctly odd friends, OP. One or two obnoxious twats types who bang on and on about it must be tolerated, I suppose, but for everyone you meet to pester you about it? Must be doing your head in

I get it, though. I'm a solicitor and the amount of people who seem to deem it acceptable to come over asking for professional advice in social situations has been on the rise for years.

[FindoGask]

"I am asking whether AIBU to find it this aspect of human nature so depressing and maddening?"

Yes, YABU. We all see the world from our own unique perspective - though we can try to put ourselves in others' shoes, for some people this is much easier than for others. So when people find out that you do this interesting work, naturally they want to know how it applies to them. And although some of your more perceptive friends and acquaintances might realise you have to put up with the same line of interrogation all the time, they maybe don't care enough to stop!

I remember once at a work xmas do, asking a colleague who was also a freelance therapist to tell me about his particular specialty - he just boredly said 'oh, just google me'. At the time I thought he was pretty rude - and he was really - but he probably was sick of having to talk about it all the time.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think it is exactly part of human nature, I too specialise in a niche area of my profession which is fashionable just now and people will self diagnose or ask me whether I think “X” applies to them. I treat it for what it is, people trying to connect with me over something they find interesting that they know I know about.

It may be your life’s work, but as with all research, once it’s out there you loose ownership of it. People will interpret it and use it any way they choose - you don’t get to say who does what with it.

I also think people are genuinely curious about themselves and don’t always know how to go about understanding themselves better so any tool that makes things easier, or that someone can relate to in some way is fair game. You may know they are fairly functional and know that you’re actually talking about people with significant impairment but by your own assessment you have a level of expertise they don’t and I think folk often underestimate the degree of dysfunction that folk can live with. For example, my specialism is in working with psychological trauma. I often come across folk who are having a fairly usual response to trauma talking about having PTSD, because they feel terrible and don’t understand just how debilitating PTSD is. They’re trying to make sense of something that feels senseless to them.

Rather than being irritated I’d be flattered that lay people wanted to engage with my fairly complex research. You sound a bit elitist tbh, I don’t imagine your friends are purposely trying to minimise or belittle your life’s work. Maybe you’d prefer it if they just silently worshipped from afar.

[Allergictoironing]

I do understand. I qualified many years ago as a sports injury therapist and sooo many people still ask me to "diagnose" (specifically NOT allowed to diagnose only assess) various aches & pains they have. I haven't practiced for many years, mainly due to my own back problems, but I still get this.

My current career is para planning & pensions support for financial advisers, and I get people asking me to advise them on their pension. I'm not even qualified to advise, I just know a lot about the subject!

Yhe OP, clearly a recognised specialist in her field and that being a field where people are categorised, must be bombarded with irritating demands for her technical services for free, as though it's a party piece for their entertainment.

So OP No, you are definitely NBU and you have much sympathy.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Yes it's annoying when people are self absorbed and want to talk about themselves all the time. I don't think that's limited to your own experience.

When I worked as a hairdresser friends would want advice all the time; why's my hair like this, what cut would suit me, tell me about hair dye, and I am the free hairdresser for all my family; some turning up at my house unexpectedly wanting a quick trim.

My bil is a gynaecologist specialising in IVF and he is constantly asked for information or casual diagnosis and advice when he's not working.

Such is human nature.