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To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

(239 Posts)
Pilcanpissoff Mon 18-Jun-18 22:31:38

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1) they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2) only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3) they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1) wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2) that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3) DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

DuchyDuke Mon 18-Jun-18 22:33:27

Tell them they aren’t invited and put friends at the door to kick them out if needed.

Littlelambpeep Mon 18-Jun-18 22:34:15

Op you deserve absolutely to have the day your way .. if you need to have some space from in laws at the moment - that is totally understandable xxxxxx

Sorry you are going through this

rainbowgrimm Mon 18-Jun-18 22:35:02

No, of course YANBU. So sorry for everything you're going through and that their behaviour is making a difficult time even worse.

digestivebiscuitfan Mon 18-Jun-18 22:36:54

I'm so sorry you're going through this and they're making it harder.

They are totally out of order.

They need to butt out and let you and your dp do whatever you feel is right.

Veterinari Mon 18-Jun-18 22:36:56

You and your DP need to have a serious talk and he needs to manage his parents

flowers

Stormtrooper1986 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:09

You are 100 million percent not being unreasonable !!!!! This is your child and your decisions - what you say goes . I understand that they are probably hurting too and maybe this is their way of coping by dictating however it doesn’t appear that they are taking both yours and your partners wishes into account .
It’s times like these that famili s should pull together , I think you need to tell them straight how it is all going to be and that this is what you have both decided . I’m so so sorry with everything you are going through and my thoughts are with you xx

category12 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:23

YANBU. flowers Do it the way you want. So sorry.

ASAS Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:23

flowers

CloudCaptain Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:44

Yanbu. They need to show some bloody respect. flowers

steff13 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:46

I remember you other threads. They've been giving you trouble all along, haven't they?

I'm sure they're devastated at the loss of their grandchild. It's never easy to see someone suffer a terminal illness, but most especially a child. However, these are your decisions to make along with the child's father. You do it your way. As far as people showing up that you don't want, in not sure how to control that. Perhaps have some male friends ready to escort anyone unwanted from the venue?

letsallhaveanap Mon 18-Jun-18 22:37:48

flowers flowers flowers

YANBU at all! They sound horrendous.
Just plan it how you want it... including who if anyone you want to come back to yours... then let them know. Then dont get involved in any arguments etc.. just walk off/hang up if they start trying to get you to change things. Tell them they are free to not come if they have a problem with how you have arranged it.

ikeepaforkinmypurse Mon 18-Jun-18 22:38:14

Of course YANBU, and I feel so sorry you have to deal with them on top of this horrible time. There's no word, but I wish you strengh and peace.

Does your DP support you? The most obvious thing would be to tell his parents to shut up or they needn't bother turning up to the wake.

It's your child, they have no right to intrude, absolutely none. If you are strong enough you can tell them that they are selfish bastards and adding to DP and your grief and to fuck off.

Make your own arrangements, do not tell them until the very last minute. of course you do not have to host any visitors after the wake, these people are insane.

Good luck OP, don't let them waste these last moment with your child.flowers

ObiJuanKenobi Mon 18-Jun-18 22:38:13

Of course you aren't unreasonable, at all.
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Please make sure you are allowed to grieve in the way that you want, it's so so important to the eventual healing process that you have no regrets over that period.

thanks

Travis1 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:38:32

YASNBU! Tell them to fuck the fuck off and do what’s right for you, DP and DC. Tear badgers so they are!

I’m so sorry for you OP xx

Pilcanpissoff Mon 18-Jun-18 22:38:53

To be honest, I’m at that point where I may have to take DC and leave if he doesn’t sort them out, they’re questioning everything from why the GP visits each week to why I’m attending grief counselling now “DC isn’t even dead yet and she needs therapy!”

whinetime89 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:39:13

I feel for you so much and cannot begin to imagine the pain you and your DH are experiencing right now.
I would tell your PIL to back off. Quick smart.
As your DC parents it's up to you how you plan the day to celebrate their life. I am so glad you have a wonderful friends support network as his seems the pits.
Sending you so much love xx

voldermorticia Mon 18-Jun-18 22:39:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elenorrigbywoes Mon 18-Jun-18 22:40:26

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this tough time flowers
You don't have the energy or headspace for their nonsense right now. They need to back off and allow you to make the arrangements.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Mon 18-Jun-18 22:41:40

I remember you and your precious dc -
Maybe suggest they do their own thing.
You do yours, as is your right.

Flowerpotbicycle Mon 18-Jun-18 22:41:46

I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you, let alone without the added stress of your PILs.
You are the parents, do whatever you want/need to make it more bearable for you and ignore everyone else’s wishes. They do not matter in this.
Grief can be very selfish so perhaps they are panicking themselves and trying to have some control in the situation because they feel powerless to help. But that is not your problem and it is not your job to help them get through this, you need to help yourselves and take care.

Sending you big hugs xxxx
You sound incredibly brave and I hope your child passes peacefully xxxx

steff13 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:41:58

Oh my gosh. Fuck them. Do whatever you need to do. They sound like narcissistic trash.

HollowTalk Mon 18-Jun-18 22:43:51

You are being so brave, dealing with the worst thing that can face a parent.

flowers

There is no way anyone should be in your house unless you want them there. The sort of people who'd behave like you say (selfies etc) wouldn't be anywhere near me in that situation - awful, awful behaviour.

This is your child and you have to do what you need to do now. It's not up to your PILs. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell them that if they don't listen to what you say and take it on board, they won't be welcome anywhere near you or your child.

Neolara Mon 18-Jun-18 22:44:31

They sound awful beyond words. I'm sorry you have to deal with them in these last precious weeks with your dc.

Is there anyone you can delegate managing the pill to? Friends or someone else in your dh's family?

concretesieve Mon 18-Jun-18 22:44:50

flowers

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