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To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

(394 Posts)
Havethewishiwishtonight Mon 18-Jun-18 10:41:12

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

Trinity66 Mon 18-Jun-18 10:44:25

hhhmmm it sounds like enough to me already.

StormTreader Mon 18-Jun-18 10:46:20

There's another woman, probably at work or the gym.

Shes the one telling him how unfair it is that you are "at home spending all the money he works so hard for" and showering him with attention and praise which is why he says you "don't appreciate him" (like she does).

At some point he'll say he "hasnt been happy for a long time/years" which will be news to you - they all use the same script.

Jonbb Mon 18-Jun-18 10:47:08

Sounds as though he may have someone waiting in the wings?

Ipdipme Mon 18-Jun-18 10:48:00

I’m so sorry flowers
It sounds as if he wants out of the marriage and is making it so bad so that you are the one to end things. Possibly to assuage his guilt. Put you and the children first. That’s no atmosphere for them to grow up in.
Good luck flowers

HollowTalk Mon 18-Jun-18 10:49:51

He's a bastard over you working. He goes to work and does bugger all else and then is complaining that you can't go to work as well as doing everything for him and the children. Does he ever take care of the children on his own?

Has he had mentionitis? It does sound as though someone is attracting him to a different kind of life.

Stay on your guard with this one.

MadMaryBoddington Mon 18-Jun-18 10:50:18

I think you need to stop pandering to him and tell him you are not prepared to live like this. Put the ball firmly back in his court.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 18-Jun-18 10:53:16

Quick answer which is 99% likely: he has met someone else.

Sorry but this is almost always always always the case.

Stop dancing attendance - it will NOT make a difference. In fact, if it's the case that he's just turned into a selfish resentful arse instead of a cheat, probably the only way you will start to demand some fucking respect from him is to walk away from this nonsense, stop trying to change to please the twat and say - we talk, you stop this shit and we work out what is wrong or it's over.

In the meantime, it's awful but I suggest you start marshalling your defences in case the shit hits the fan. He really probalby does have someone else. So - make sure you are not vulnerable. Get copies of his payslips, pension, proof of earnings and anything you can. Is money in joint names? Do you have access to cash and equal control over savings?

romany4 Mon 18-Jun-18 10:53:18

That's enough already. He's hurting you.
Like you've said, you've done everything to change what he says he isn't happy about and then he comes up with something new. If you get a job, you can guarantee he'd be unhappy about you not being home as much, he'd have to help out more etc.
I 'm so sorry. He sounds horrible

AjasLipstick Mon 18-Jun-18 10:54:41

Sadly, I'm with Hollow on this.

There is a pattern of behaviour in men who are either having an affair or thinking of it.

And undermining their partner and convincing themselves that their partner is "bad" somehow, is one of the first steps.

Watch out and make sure you're not putting up with this whilst he's planning on leaving.

Is he someone who you might think would have an affair? Has he been going out more?

BottleOfJameson Mon 18-Jun-18 10:56:38

Perhaps he's suffering from depression or he's decided family life is too much effort and he's trying to play the role of the victim in the inevitable break up. Personally if he was always a good husband before this I would try to get him into counselling (maybe both together and separately). To see if things can be salvaged.

SequinsOnEverything Mon 18-Jun-18 10:59:09

I'd sit him down and say he needs to decide if he wants to stay with you and the children or not as he's clearly not happy. Or just tell him to go.

If you get a job is he planning on stepping up what he does around the house? Doubtful. Your children are surely picking up on the atmosphere in the house and would be happier without him being there, even if it's difficult for them at first.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 18-Jun-18 11:02:09

My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

Well no - it's not going to work like that, is it? Here's the deal: right now, he works and you do the childcare, which is the most efficient and sensible way of splitting your particular load, given your DS's needs and the fact you can't use professional childcare.

If the deal is going to change then it changes for both of you. You are both equally responsible for carrying the family load. So far it's been DH 100% work out of home, you 100% work within home.

You can't split it so that it's DH 100% work out of home, you 100% work within home plus say 30% more work out of home. You're finding out that that doesn't exist.

So if it's going to change, it changes for him too. He wants you to earn money outside of the home? Then he is going to need to drop days to care for HIS CHILDREN on the days you are going to be out of the home.

Point that out. Start the conversation. How is he going to compress his hours?

But it's actually pointless. The reason he's changed is because something has changed in his life which has led him to look at you differently, and start despising instead of lovng and supporting you. Doesn't take a genius to work out what that probably is. So get clued up and protect yourself.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Mon 18-Jun-18 11:02:39

I think it’s enough already. He’s treating you badly and I would say almost certainly has another woman. He’ll deny it I’m sure. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

What is your house status? Owned, renting? Whose name is on the deeds tenancy?

Flowerpotbicycle Mon 18-Jun-18 11:04:58

I would guess he’s had his head turned by another woman and therefore is detaching from you and his family life in order to justify his feelings to himself. It’s the same old rhetoric that a lot of men do.
He may not have already have had an affair but honestly... I would bet good money he is at least interested in someone else

HollowTalk Mon 18-Jun-18 11:07:38

The "feeling unappreciated" sounds as though he's justifying an affair.

Havethewishiwishtonight Mon 18-Jun-18 11:09:58

It's a really difficult situation. Despite his behaviour, there are glints that the old DH is still there. I do think I have let him get away with too much but on the other hand I have hesitated against pushing him into making a decision that he would regret. I love this man and I can't walk away or look my children in the eye, without knowing I've done everything I can to make this work.

If I get a job and he is still behaving like this then I'll know that it's a never ending cycle and he needs to make his mind up asap.

Idontbelieveinthemoon Mon 18-Jun-18 11:14:17

At this point you need to be practical; if it's not possible for you to work at the moment, then you don't work. If he resents it or makes comments call him out on it every single time. Ask him when he plans to take some of your load so that you can get back to work. Turn it onto him since he wants to behave rudely towards you.

Stop doing his stuff; his laundry, his suppers, his share of everything. He wants to detach, let him. Cut him out. Get copies of every financial asset/income and put them somewhere outside the house; with a friend or family member you trust or a deposit box he can't access. Take some time and work out how much longer you're prepared to tolerate his ridiculous behaviour, then once you've worked that out, ask him to leave and work out his nonsense elsewhere.

Growing up with parents who are unkind to one another must be an awful environment for children. Put them and you before his needs; he's a grown man who'll clearly put himself first, so you no longer need to.

NordicNobody Mon 18-Jun-18 11:15:18

Sounds like he's on Chapter 2...

Raspacihno Mon 18-Jun-18 11:16:58

Tell him you will get a job when he does 50% of the housework and arranges child care for your child with special needs. When he arranges it.

Does he tell you how much he appriciates you around the house? No, so why do so many men need praise just for going to work? Just like the did before they had kids.

Raspacihno Mon 18-Jun-18 11:18:17

I do think I have let him get away with too much but on the other hand I have hesitated against pushing him into making a decision that he would regret.

If he "let" you get away with things as well, would you in turn act like a twat? If the answer is no then you have done nothing wrong. It's not your job to parent him.

Madeline18 Mon 18-Jun-18 11:19:24

I understand that you need to look after a SN child but don't disregard the pressure of being the only income earner. We did it for a time with my DP was made redundant. I really really resented being the only earner and having all the pressure on my shoulders, he was semi depressed and struggling to even apply for jobs unless I did it for him and it nearly broke us. I understand go have a child with SN which must be very difficult but it may be a very real factor having all that financial pressure in him if being a stay at home parent as not a choice but forced on you by circumstance?

critiqueofeveryday Mon 18-Jun-18 11:21:05

Oh my goodness, how distressing for you.

First of all, this could be an affair - but it could also be a MH crisis or even a physical health crisis. I think you need to raise those possibilities with your DH, without blame and without accusing him of being unreasonable - this will take firmness and tact. Working from a point of care, say that you're genuinely worried about his health. And see if you can get somewhere from there. I would get him to a GP and a counsellor so that he can get checked over and talk about how he's feeling.

In the meantime, look after yourself. Dealing with this degree of uncertainty on a subject so close to your heart and so important is a soul-sickening burden. You also need to speak to someone to be able to figure out where you go from here. You come FIRST in this equation, not him - get yourself some support.

As a precaution, watch the finances carefully.

Havethewishiwishtonight Mon 18-Jun-18 11:22:42

Madeline I understand that but we are under no financial pressure at all. I do not need to get a job for financial reasons. DH just wants me to work as hard as he does.

MereDintofPandiculation Mon 18-Jun-18 11:23:17

First get copies of his pay slips, bank account details etc. And make sure you have a bank account of your own which he has no access to. Then start getting a job, counselling and whatever else you think may put your marriage on the right track. Because if your efforts fail and breakdown starts to be on the cards, it'll be too late to get the information you need, he'll begin to cover his tracks to protect "his" money.

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