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Brother-in-law's wedding

(275 Posts)
ParkaGirl Sun 17-Jun-18 21:08:21

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin Sun 17-Jun-18 21:13:32

It really isn't personal. Your dh absolutely should go to the wedding and maybe you could go for a meal with the couple beforehand or afterwards to celebrate.

They sound lovely and it isn't her fault that her family situation is so complicated.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Sun 17-Jun-18 21:15:45

So she is having friends but no ils?
Bit shitty imo...

BarbarianMum Sun 17-Jun-18 21:16:54

Honestly, I don't blame him.

DragonMummy1418 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:17:32

That's shit. I'd be VERY offended if my BIL and SIL didn't invite me to their wedding, in fact I'd be upset if my kids weren't bridesmaids / ushers!
Family is important - you ARE family.

Inertia Sun 17-Jun-18 21:17:47

I would not create a fuss about this, and would leave them in peace to have the wedding they want. But in the same vein, they do need to accept that your husband doesn’t want to go without you so won’t be there- they can’t have it all ways.

Returnofthesmileybar Sun 17-Jun-18 21:19:19

I would probably bow out gracefully as I wouldn't want to be somewhere I wasn't wanted but she'd be as welcome at my front door in the future as I was at her wedding

RandomMess Sun 17-Jun-18 21:22:15

Can't believe that if she has a huge family that her STBH can't have his SIL there...

MsVestibule Sun 17-Jun-18 21:24:45

I could understand it a little bit if it was a tiny wedding with just parents and siblings, but to choose friends over your brother's wife is pretty shitty behaviour from your BIL.

BrazzleDazzleDay Sun 17-Jun-18 21:25:34

I'd be really upset about this, but also too mortified to go if they did invite me.

ChasedByBees Sun 17-Jun-18 21:28:02

I think the fact that they want friends over you makes this quite rude.

Whitecurrents Sun 17-Jun-18 21:29:18

I'd be upset and I'm afraid I wouldn't feel as friendly towards them in future.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 17-Jun-18 21:29:54

I'd actually be ok with this, I think because there's good reasons for it. Yes, I do think she should get the venue she wants. Direct siblings only across the board is fair as it's the same for everyone. The only slight problem would be how many friends is she inviting? Because say there's 12 spaces, she has ten siblings, then she can't choose plus ones (cos that'd be 20) but has got two spaces which may as well be for friends.
If I were her, however, I'd be contacting you and explaining, plus saying let's go out fir a special dinner or similar.

Jamboree05 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:31:11

Do you not count as a friend? This would be a lot more understandable if she was only having immediate family...

expatinscotland Sun 17-Jun-18 21:33:11

If I were your DH I wouldn't go to the wedding. She can have whatever wedding she wants, but people are not obligated to go along with it. She wants to put friends above family, that's entirely her right, but I wouldn't go to the wedding.

walnutwood Sun 17-Jun-18 21:34:31

You are married to her fiancé's brother? Of course you should be there! To suggest otherwise is ridiculous!

Skarossinkplunger Sun 17-Jun-18 21:34:46

I’d also be fine with this, I understand her reasons. Also if I’d had to chose between family and friends I chose friends as I’m closer to them than most of my family.

unusuallylongtoes Sun 17-Jun-18 21:35:11

I suspect this has less to do with you and more to do with her siblings partners.
She couldn't really say yes to one SIL and no to others.
I can see how you'd feel hurt but you could arrange a special dinner afterwards and celebrate then.
If you value your relationship with them and it sounds like they're lovely people to have in your life then it's worth not letting upset spoil anything.

Iloveacurry Sun 17-Jun-18 21:36:53

So she’s having her friends there, but not you? No wonder your DH is pissed off. She’s out of order.

TidyDancer Sun 17-Jun-18 21:37:00

This is a difficult one. I'm generally an advocate of inviting only who you want and plus ones shouldn't be a given, but I don't think I would extend that to close relatives, of which you are.

Can't the bride compromise and have the dream venue but more than one table? It sounds like she's causing this problem by being so particular about arrangements.

OliviaBenson Sun 17-Jun-18 21:37:49

How refreshing that your DH is sticking up for you!! Makes a change from the usual posts.

Anyhow, I agree with your DH, it's rude behaviour. They can of course invite whoever they want, but equally those invited can decline.

Weddings are about a celebration of love and a relationship, yet your relationship isn't deemed important enough.

Plumsofwrath Sun 17-Jun-18 21:38:39

If my BiL had done this, or supported my SiL in doing this, I’d think very poorly of him. He’s got his priorities wrong: her friends over his brother wife and his nieces’/nephews’ Mum? Nah. Very immature.

user1493413286 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:39:51

I’d be really upset and to be honest it’d colour my view of her and my relationship with her.
I would say to DH that you’re happy for him to go as you don’t want it to effect his relationship with his brother. Unfortunately even if you were asked now I think you’d still feel the same way about her.

MissVanjie Sun 17-Jun-18 21:39:58

Ouch that is tricky

She is entitled to the wedding she wants of course, and if a specific venue and seating plan are more important to her than accommodating family members, it is what it is.

Everyone else is entitled to their opinion of what that makes her.

Plumsofwrath Sun 17-Jun-18 21:40:11

Page should also prioritise her family watching her get married and sharing the day, over having this or that venue imo. It’s arse about tit: you find the venue that can fit your guests, not the other way round.

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