Wibu to ask how many of you are partnered with your 'best friend'?

[GeorgiesBoat]

At the end of last year I split up with my husband. I still cry because I still love him, even though he wasn't particularly nice to me. I'm hoping eventually that I get over him as he has been able to get over me.

So the thing I've been wondering is was I too hasty ending things? He was one of those 'life & soul outside the house, silent misery inside' types. Any excuse to leave the house, no conversation from his end and only minimal when I tried to start one. Happy to arrange nights out/overnight stays with his friends but would just put off any ideas from me. Never told me he loved me. Could barely say it back when I told him. I'm not making excuses, but he's exactly like his father.

And this is where my question comes in I suppose, because his mother & father are both retired but don't seem to spend any time together. No seeing different parts of the country, no road trips or holidays just them, no meals out. They always have others around. And when he does go away with his friends EXMIL always seems relieved to watch him go. However I've always envisaged my retirement to be full of little adventures and, in my day dreams, with someone who wants to share them with me - my best friend, the person I've gone through life with.

EXH always thought I was asking too much. And now, as I still cry over the man who so easily moved on (pathetic, I know) I wonder if I was. Are most couples just rubbing along? Or am I right in thinking that with most people, their significant other is the person they'd choose to spend most of their time with?

Do you think most married couples are with the person they like being with most in the world, or am I the fantasist my EXH thinks I am?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

My DH is definitely the person I would always choose to spend time with and we really do have fun together all the time. I don't think YABU to want and expect this, and I hope your heart heals soon. Someone is out there who will appreciate you and love spending time with you.

[Justanothernap]

You’re not a fantasist. Your husband sounds like a misery. I’m married to my best friend and whilst life is not perfect he is my favourite person and we want to spend our time together. I hope you find someone like that too. At least it’s now a possibility instead of being lumbered with Mr Misery.

[LifeofClimb]

Your ex is a wanker. My ex was the same. They don’t change, btw. I don’t know how many years you’ve had of it but I had over 8 before calling it a day. I had enough of the empty promises, I was always alone. It’s shit and you deserve better. You will get over him eventually

[HellenaHandbasket]

I'm not the hearts and flowers/butterflies type and nor is he, but he is my best friend and the person I respect most. He will always be my first choice.

[Reiltin]

Yup, married my best friend. And we enjoy doing things together. Your plans for retirement sound right up our street! Even though the physical side is at an all-time-low due to kids and soon-arriving twins, I’m still happy I married the right person.

You’re best rid of him. Focus on you, and finding someone who shares your view of the future 😊

[Eatalot]

My DH is my best friend ish. I have girlfriends and a sister I count as best friends. But we enjoy similar things and are a team. Hes the first person I tell anything to and ask for advice. We have a hobby in common and dreams of doing this around the world when retired.
As much as we have in common we also have differences. Like two pieces of a jigsaw. Similar but slightly different shape. Fit together perfectly.

I would count yourself lucky that you got out and not stuck like his parents. He obviously thought this was normal. Its not you deserve better.

[FASH84]

My DH literally is my best friend, we were good friends at secondary school and by sixtg form were joint at the hip, a school friend bet me £20 I'd marry him one day, I laughed and said we were just friends (I sent her a cheque with her wedding invitation). We were almost a thing in our late teens but it never quite happened, both a bit worried to cross the line and ruin an amazing friendship I think. We stayed close both had long ish term relationships at different uni's etc. Graduated moved back closer to each other in 2007 absolutely still best friends, both ended relationships in 2009, took us six months to cross the line and even then would insist for a while we were just best friends to other people. People assumed we were a couple long before we officially were. It's the best relationship I've ever had, we have our house now, married and 1st DC on the way. I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.

[BeeKeeping]

Definitely wait for that type of relationship. Don’t go back because it was comfortable. I married my husband because he is the only person who I can spend endless amounts of time with. Everyone else has a time limit where it’s not that fun anymore. He says the same about me, and that’s why it works.

There’s the car in the garage analogy: when you come home and see their car there, are you pleased? If not, get out of the relationship.
You’ve done the right thing. Stay strong ❤️

[Laiste]

My XH was not my best friend. Never had or knew that feeling.

DH however is my best friend in the world and the person i would chose to be stranded on a desert island with.

[Hideandgo]

I have best friends and it’s not DH. But DH is my back up and safe place to be. I wouldn’t want to parent with anyone else. Sometimes I wish we were better at just mucking about together and sometimes I feel he doesn’t know me as well as he should but despite that we are pretty happy and solid. I have other people who fulfill the best friend role for me.

[Hideandgo]

I’m always so happy to see his car in the garage!

[ZispinAndChai]

We were friends first, and yes he's my best friend by now. We both have other friends, too, of course, and some interests we don't share, and don't spend every minute together, but he's definitely my favourite human.

Your ex wasn't nice to you, and it doesn't sound like it was a happy relationship. There are better ones out there.

People have different ways of being happy together, and I guess the main thing is that the situation works for both of you. We're nowhere near retirement age yet, so I'm only watching retired couples from the outside, as my parents' generation has been retiring in the past decade. Some of the couples definitely seem happier apart, and actively seek holidays and hobbies apart, but I assume they're still happy staying together, since they haven't separated. DP are pretty inseparable a lot of the time, but don't seem overly happy about it, often. There seems to be a constant low level bickering, now that they're suddenly faced with each other's company 24/7.

[GeorgiesBoat]

Almost 20 years. That's why it's so hard, I don't really know anything else (I was a teenager when we met) and I've lost all sense of what's normal.

I'm not going to lie, I'm sat here crying. But it's comforting to hear that what I want does exist and isn't too much to ask.

Thank you all

[peachgreen]

There's nobody I enjoy spending time with more than DH - he's who I recharge my batteries with, he makes everything more fun and he's just my favourite person in the world. I'm pretty reluctant to do things without him really as it's just not as good. I'm always delighted to see him coming through the door.

I hope you find that soon, OP - you deserve it.

[misscph1973]

There are definitely couples out there who love eachother! But I don't think it's most couples. I think many couples just rub along. People are afraid of change.

My STBXH also told me I was expecting too much and he never told me he loved me either. Now that we have split up (I instigated it) he appreciates me more and we have a much better relationship. I very much think of him as family.

It's not wrong of you to want to be with someone that you love and who loves you! I think you should absolutely have high expectations/standards. You are worth so much more than being with someone who clearly didn't love you.

I am sorry for you that you still love him. Could it be that because he moved on so quickly you think you still love him but really it's more the pain and hurt from being in an unhappy relationship? it can be hard to distinguish the two! I personally stayed too long in my marriage because I thought I still loved my STBXH, but I found that it wasn't love, it was mourning the loss of love.

[KM99]

My OH is one of the people I like spending the most time with and I'd say he's one of my best friends.

Honestly, if you were still together and just "rubbing along" do you think you could be happy?

All these things you want to do you could probably do with friends or on your own and be much happier than sitting at home wishing for a different life.

[Reallylosingitthistime]

Yes and infact we were before we were a couple. We have a rare night alone nowadays without any other company and it's so much fun x

[JacquesHammer]

Not exactly as we’re both single but have the benefits thing.

OP you sound desperately sad. I don’t want to be patronising but I wonder whether you’re actually grieving for your ex or rather just who you thought he was and the loss of the illusion? Try and enjoy being you and on your own first.

[2blueshoes]

I've been with DH 33 years, we've had some shit life events in that time, really shit. He gets the pain I'm going through, because he feels it too. So nobody understands like he does.

I've got a few really close mates, a couple who are the greatest, but even my "best friend" didn't stick around when the going got tough. So yes, I consider him my closest friend, the one I go to with my problems, because we share them.

[EnglishRose13]

My husband and I often talk about what we will do when we retire. Never once have we mentioned doing things separately. He is my best friend and the person I want to spend all my time with.

Your ex wasn't the right person for you.

[BarbedBloom]

We are best friends and I would choose to spend time with him over anyone. This hasn’t been the case in previous relationships though and I do notice a big difference in my happiness. It doesn’t mean I don’t have other friends I am very close with though.

[NotTakenUsername]

You’ll never get an honest view on here because the MN culture is to assassinate the character of anyone who is staying a relationship that has big issues, with cries of “LTB!!” and “why did you ever marry him?!?”

Yes, I think many people rub along. I think it may be a bit miserable, but yes, plenty of people stay together because it is preferable to separating, not because they are truly madly deeply in love.

[firsttimedad79]

My partner is definitely my best friend as well :)

We are very different on a lot of things. We have no grey areas, we either really love something or don't! But it works :)

[BertieBotts]

I don't know that DH is my BEST friend because I'm not sure how I would quantify that, but he definitely comes under that category along with some others, as in I'd choose to spend time with him rather than other people, I enjoy his company, we laugh together, he makes things better, he doesn't drag down the mood ever. Even if he's sad or ill or something like that I just feel concern for him rather than feeling that he's making things negative.

None of my exes were like this bar maybe one, IME it is absolutely worth holding out for a relationship like this or none at all. It's miserable to be with somebody who makes you feel alone. At least when you're single you can do what you like, spend time with friends, make your happiness/fulfilment another way.

[mistermagpie]

Your husband sounds awful so you definitely did the right thing.

I am married to my favourite person (other than my kids). We work together, socialise together, do the same hobbies and obviously live together. We are the absolute antithesis of 'opposites attract' though, and I think that's the secret. I wouldn't really be friends with someone unless we had loads in common and loads to talk about, so why would I marry someone like that?