My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

[Shumpalumpa]

YANBU. I would tell her straight out, calmly and without emotion, that she may put whoever she wants to in her will, but you do not want to hear about it and that you will not be controlled by any potential inheritance. And that if she tries to control you by dangling the threat of inheritance over you or saying hurtful things to you or to your DC, then she will never see you again.

And mean it.

[Justmuddlingalong]

My DM used to do this. I told her to stick her inheritance up her arse. That put her gas on a peep.

[Strongmummy]

Wow!!! I’m not sure what to say. On the basis your dad says she’s joking and she keeps saying it, but maintains a good relationship with you don’t you think she’s actually joking? It’s not a funny joke, but she may think she’s getting a rise out of you ?

[nellieellie]

As someone who has recently lost both parents, I can understand how desperately upsetting this must be for you. Wills, and who gets what, - it’s not about the money, it can be perceived as a measure of what the person thinks of you. Because that it all that is left. Not even money, but possessions of sentimental value, things that hold memories. Does your DM do this as a way of trying to exert some control do you think? Have you “gone your own way” and not needed her as much, or had some disagreement she resents you for? Some people use the “will expectation” as a way to manipulate, or as oneupmanship. Not nice. My DM and DB have both at times threatened to “sever all contact” because of some imagined slight or if I dared to disagree with something.
Whatever her reasons, there’s little you can do apart from either be clear that you are very hurt and perhaps do not want to see her for a while. I think Id find it hard to carry on as normal. No doubt her intention for some reason is to hurt you. Or, carry on as normal, perhaps tell her you ve no idea why she’s trying to hurt you, but youre not interested in her money or her games, so you intend to ignore her hissy fits.
The reality is, she probably doesn’t mean it, just pathetic attention seeking.

[starryeyed19]

Why does she keep telling you she's disinheriting you?

I agree with the PP. Calmly and without emotion say it's up to her what she does with her will/estate and it's nobody's business but hers. And change the subject. Maybe ask her if she has any ideas for her funeral...

[Caselgarcia]

What a nasty things to say. I'd reply'that's fine mum, you leave your money to whoever you want', change the subject and don't refer to it ever again. She's enjoying the hold over you.

[SparkyTheCat]

You could tell her that it will all be going on care home fees anyway, since you won't be doing it.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

Suggest she saves the cash for carers as you wash your hands of her.
Nasty baggage.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

And df shouldn't be getting a card for Sunday that he allows her to treat you that shabbily.

[DesignStatement]

Tell her in front of your dad

'you are my mum and you can love me or hurt me. You've chosen to hurt me - even after your death.
It's not about the money, it's about you choosing to use money to hurt your own daughter.
It's your choice. I'm your daughter. You've chosen money over me'

Bye

[ToadsforJustice]

Tell her that it's excellent news because she needs to save her money for carers and care homes. Remind her that she needs to make a will and specify her final wishes. Type of coffin, burial or cremation etc. I would also make it clear that if she loses capacity you will probably choose her care home for her. Cheapest you can find of course, so that she gets value for money.

[picklemepopcorn]

Does your sister have children? Maybe she is trying to tell you that your share is going to your children instead, as they will need it more. It is something suggested to make sure young people have a fighting chance.

[Greendayz]

Worth talking to your sister about it to see if she knows what's going on? Or your dad? Maybe she just wants to make a point about something she's upset about?

[Cornishclio]

I think it is hurtful of your mum to indicate they will be treating you differently to your sister and sons and yes I think I would be inclined to stop contact for now. If you have regular contact with them has there been any indication as to why they would do this? Does your sister help them out more or see them more regularly?

They can obviously leave their money to whoever they want but that does not mean you have to like it or them when they have treated you nastily.

[Theknacktoflying]

Just don’t react - don’t play her game
There is no fairness and ‘being nice-y’ in inheritance - her stuff, her say and shows a pity that she feels she needs to game play ...

[Fuglywitch]

I can understand the hurt but why does everyone expect a part of their parents will. Greed all the way. Spending time with your family should be its own reward.

[Elspeth12345]

Wow! Tell her that you feel very hurt. Tell her that it has little to do with money and everything to do with feeling rejected.

[MissCharleyP]

I hate those who try to defend general shittiness with “Oh, they’re only joking!” If it’s a fucking joke, we’d laugh. My SIL has made comments (more than once) about me being a ‘kept woman’ (I was made redundant and had two temp jobs, last one finished in Jan), DH says “She’s joking.” She isn’t. Why would anyone joke about disinheriting their kids or that someone is leeching off their husband? I agree with saying it’s fine, you’ll be choosing the care home.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking

She has a really odd sense of humour if this is meant to be a joke. It's nasty, and I don't blame you at all for being upset.

she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish

That is a completely horrible thing to say.

[CloudCaptain]

It's a hurtful thing to say. Is she trying to draw you into an argument or a discussion. Depending on how you think your relationship is would depend on reaction. How do you want to proceed. Has she always favoured your sister or had you both compete? Does your sister have any knowledge or view on this?

[AttilaTheMusical]

Wow. What a hurtful thing to say. Pretty thoughtless & insensitive of her too, since she seems to be assuming that your dad will die before she does... which can't be all that nice for him to think about either.

[Ohsuchaperfectday]

How utterly immature and childish.

My first thought was perhaps this is early dementia? Has she got form for being a childish bitch?

I would try and come at this from a totally different point of view, a grown up one.

You mentioned DM that sister and sons are going to benefit but may I ask is any POA in place should both get dementia....nursing home requests, who are your executors, and so on.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

why does everyone expect a part of their parents will. Greed all the way. Spending time with your family should be its own reward.

I just knew someone would use this as a way to call you greedy. You don't get it. At all. Read nellieellie's post.

[OCSock]

It's the last gesture of power she has. Be kind, be nice, be formal. And don't depend on the inheritance. Some people have their money sewn into their shrouds. Sad ones.

[Piecatcher]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I really don’t know if she’s joking or not. Neither of my parents take it seriously if I try to talk to them about it. Even if it is a joke surely it still doesn’t make it OK? It’s clearly intended to cause hurt?