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To feel uncomfortable?

(53 Posts)
Pebblesonthesand Thu 14-Jun-18 15:13:30

I've NC as don't want this on my regular account...Had lunch with a friend today and saw she had a very expensive bracelet and necklace by Tiffany...I said it was lovely...her reply was "yeah bought it yesterday with the money I got from one of mum's old codger's that popped his clogs a few months back, his will only paid out last week".

I was a bit taken aback and started to feel uncomfortable!

She said that for years her mum cleans, cooks, shops, personal care and sorts things out for old people, cash in hand, that live on their own as they don't have anyone else! As a thank you they put her Mum in their wills (usually as the sole beneficiary or her and her Mum as she helps out once in a while-there's a few of the old people she's known since she was at school so see her as a daughter/grand daughter) leaving houses, cars, money, jewellery, cash; over the last five years she's made over £400,000.

I don't know why but it doesn't sit right...I get that she's helping people not be lonely but it's the wills thing that makes me feel uneasy! I think I was a bit surprised in the way she referred to the old people.

AIBU that it's not right to earn money this way? She doesn't work...mainly just shops from the wills stuff for her and her family! She said that her and her Mum aren't the only ones that do it and there's plenty of people up and down the country do it and everyone's a winner! Old person isn't lonely and they aren't working a low paid jobs. I didn't really know what to say so cut our meet up short as felt really uncomfortable as she was talking about her next big purchase confused

Clairetree1 Thu 14-Jun-18 15:15:29

I guess there is nothing wrong with it as long as it is a transparent upfront contract, entered into knowingly by choice

MyOtherUsernameisaPun Thu 14-Jun-18 15:17:29

I agree that the way she spoke about it was insensitive and unpleasant. But I don't know that there's anything wrong with the arrangement? Loneliness is a hideous epidemic in old people - if there are people willing to alleviate that by caring for them in return for some acknowledgment in the will, what's the harm? It's the same as being a paid carer, only in a future lump sum rather than a wage.

I think that's better than having lots of lonely old people being cared for by strangers and having nobody to leave their assets to when they die.

Your friend should speak more respectfully though!

HyacinthsBucket70 Thu 14-Jun-18 15:18:01

Taking advantage of vulnerable old people is disgusting behaviour, and if it's a pattern, I'd report her to the Police.

That's terrible sad

Pebblesonthesand Thu 14-Jun-18 15:23:03

@Clairetree1 True...I don't know if it is, from the way she was talking her and her Mum see it as an opportunity to make money...I don't think they genuinely care about the old people they 'help' but I might be wrong...just feels abit awkward with her now.

Medea13 Thu 14-Jun-18 15:26:10

I agree with PP that she spoke flippantly, but there isn't anything necessarily wrong or suspicious about this (especially if -- and you haven't made this clear at all, so I imagine you don't know either way -- the inheritance is not an explicit condition of receiving your friend's mother's care/friendship/attention/support (which would be wrong), but rather a nice thing they think to do because they have nobody else in their lives.

Anyway, regarding the flippancy -- she may have been embarrassed, or even upset, and used flippant language to defuse the situation (however misguided that attempt might have been). Or maybe she really has no regard for human life whatsoever, but since you're friends with her and she otherwise sounds nice, i suspect that isn't the case.

You also sound a bit jealous. Why don't you do some volunteering for Age UK?

peartreeishappy Thu 14-Jun-18 15:26:20

Doing this to vulnerable adults can be a form of financial abuse. These people sound like opportunists.

Pebblesonthesand Thu 14-Jun-18 15:26:26

@MyOtherUsernameisaPun yes I started to think that on the way home...yes your right it is hideous...I dread getting old and lonely 😔

JustVent Thu 14-Jun-18 15:27:51

You know what, if I was elderly and someone spent their time helping me, caring for me, cleaning and being a friend when I was lonely I too would leave them money if I had no family.

I expect she was much appreciated.

Pebblesonthesand Thu 14-Jun-18 15:37:10

@Medea13 I have no idea if it's part of 'contract' of their care. Just didn't sit right as she was talking in a spoilt manner!

I am certainly not jealous what's so ever!! hmmI thought it was pretty and would love to have Tiffany jewellery but I know I can't and never will be able to afford it I just admire from afar...I don't have a problem with others having expensive jewellery good for them be it Tiffany or whatever other expensive make!

I work full time some evenings and weekends too and get a day off in lieu like today, the only time I get to volunteer is at Christmas doing sing alongs in OAP homes with some old school friends of mine! I wish I could do more but my financial circumstances don't allow I'm afraid!

Pebblesonthesand Thu 14-Jun-18 15:49:09

@peartreeishappy I think that's what I can't make my mind up about are they financially abusing or just being flippant...I've known them for a very long time but seen less of them over the last few years as being working like mad to clear a credit card and save up for a decent holiday!

When do meet up I just get this air of spoilt/grabby attitude...She's definitely changed over the last couple of years as it's more about the stuff they are getting and not about 'aww Betty (made up name) was so lovely today she did this that and the other'.

LuMarie Thu 14-Jun-18 15:52:57

That sound like financial and elder abuse.

Sick and wrong. If you want to help elderly or lonely people, do it because you care, not because you want something.

I'd be so disgusted that I'd honestly be considering reporting them.

Eliza9917 Thu 14-Jun-18 16:32:55

Where to they find the elderly people? Do they actively seek out lonely people with no families? Would they do all this for people that do have families to leave their inheritance to? Do they 'whisper in their ears' about leaving everything to them?

Those would be indicators of their intentions imo.

peartreeishappy Thu 14-Jun-18 17:10:58

It’s one thing to be employed as a carer or home help and to legitimately earn money and quite another to befriend frail elderly folk then persuade them to include them in their wills. That’s what Harold Shipman did. For years. And we all know how that turned out hmm

Whatshallidonowpeople Thu 14-Jun-18 17:13:48

She's unreasonable for putting an apostrophe in codgers, although I can't imagine how she said It like that. "Codger apostrophe s" weird.

Whatshallidonowpeople Thu 14-Jun-18 17:15:47

@Clairetree1True...I don't know if it is, from the way she was talking her and her Mum see it as an opportunity to make money...I don't think they genuinely care about the old people they 'help' but I might be wrong...just feels abit awkward with her now.

Do you all think doctors do the work out of the goodness of their hearts?

Brunsdon1 Thu 14-Jun-18 17:18:15

To deliver care (especially personal care ) in return for a financial advantage at the very least needs to be registered with CQC if she does it as a living

However we do have a word for it in the care sector where a carer talks them into the will (once is a nice old person showing appreciation...two is a pattern)....its most definately abuse

Any care service worth their salt would say this....loudly....clearly the nearest police officer

Brunsdon1 Thu 14-Jun-18 17:19:12

Doctors are regulated ...for this reason among others

BitOutOfPractice Thu 14-Jun-18 17:34:50

She should be reported to the police immediately.

blackteasplease Thu 14-Jun-18 17:39:46

It sounds very close to a fraud. Fraud by abuse of position is a thing - in the Fraud Act 2006.

This may or may not be fraud but would depend on exactly what goes on.

For instance people who drain money from the eldery while they are alive, sometimes by getting them to sign power of attorney are often prosecuted.

EarlessToothlessVagabond Thu 14-Jun-18 17:43:48

Morally, this sounds as dodgy as fuck. Legally it's a different matter. If these older people have mental capacity, they may be acting unwisely in this arrangement, but ultimately, it's up to them. Of course I'd there's coercion or any kind of abuse it can be hard to prove and if the one being abused refuses to see it or report it, every one else is powerless!

Racecardriver Thu 14-Jun-18 17:45:26

My Dad has helped a lot of lonely old people over the years. He takes them places, picks up shopping, ar one point he would go to a local bakery at the end of the day every day to get free bread and distribute it amongst all of these old people. They are lovely and he is very glad that he can help them and also gets enjoyment out of their company. Not one of them has ever left anything in their will to him. It really does sound like there is something fishy going on. I would imagine they are putting pressure on most of not all of these older friends to make changes to their wills.

GreenMeerkat Thu 14-Jun-18 17:49:07

Unless she is threatening, coercing or manipulation the people she helps and they put her in their wills voluntarily then I can't see that there is a legal issue. But.... As PPs have said, the daughter's attitude stinks. Is her Mum the same way?

However, if she is working cash in hand then she is not paying tax which IS illegal.

GreenMeerkat Thu 14-Jun-18 17:49:46


Troels Thu 14-Jun-18 18:10:21

Social services has a whole department for the protection of vulerable adults. It sounds like financial abuse to me. Call and ask Social services.

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