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To wreck our lives and end it

(283 Posts)
LostwithSawyer Wed 13-Jun-18 23:20:07

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! angrysad

HollowTalk Wed 13-Jun-18 23:23:55

Oh what an awful position to be in. Are you sure it ended when he said it had? Can you believe what she's telling you?

I would get through this time now, purely for the children's sake. Otherwise I would leave him to it. The children need to see him, though - god, I could kick the shit out of him for you.

Haffiana Wed 13-Jun-18 23:24:24

Marriage is over, no going back from this However, unless you actually hate him then you need to support him for a while.

Can you get OW to take on some of the support? There is a sort of Karma in that?

Fishface77 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:29:59

To be fair op, you won’t be wrecking any lives, he’s done that.
I’d do fuck all for him.
Get myself sorted whilst he’s in hospital and he certainly wouldn’t be coming home.

TheBlueDot Wed 13-Jun-18 23:31:32

How old are your DC?

Wedontbelievewhatsontv Wed 13-Jun-18 23:32:48

Lostwith... What a complex and heartbreaking situation for you. The conflict you feel from considering all the possibilities
and their repercussions, must be unbearable. Two huge issues ; an affair and a life changing illness.
Who can say what we would do? My head tells me that I would have to react to the affair in the same way I would if the illness had not struck. I cannot imagine having to swallow all that hurt and rage down and not deal with it...and simultaneously act like a nurse and caring partner long term . Are you asking a super human task of yourself there?
If it was just the affair what would you do?
YOU are not making it worse or hurting your children -he did!
Of course he is sorry... look where he is now . 😑

JohnHunter Wed 13-Jun-18 23:40:34

How awful. Put the kids first and let them see their dad in hospital - this might be his and their last chance. Once you've done right by them it's up to you whether you see him through this episode or not.

strawberrylove Wed 13-Jun-18 23:43:03

Put on a brave face, not for him but for your children. Stand by him and support him through his stroke and then when he's back on his feet, leave and don't look back.

blueshoes Wed 13-Jun-18 23:44:14

OP, he has behaved badly and brought this on himself. His OW has had the good times, she can now have the caring responsibilities too. You just look after yourself and the dcs flowers

adayatthebeach Wed 13-Jun-18 23:45:41

Yes support him he’s the father of your children but as soon as you can move on. So sorry this is happening to you.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 13-Jun-18 23:50:14

So sorry op. Agree that supporting the kids through this is the immediate priority then I guess its down to prognosis.

If time is limited I wouldn't make this time harder for the kids by revealing what Haas happened yet.
If he's going to need a long period of convalescence in hospital I'd probably wait for the immediate crisis to pass and then tell him he needs to make arrangements with her to care for him.

You have every right to walk away if that's what YOU want.

Have you got any real life support.

WickedLazy Wed 13-Jun-18 23:52:38

I wouldn't be supporting him. He made your marriage vows null and void when he broke his own. Leave her name and number on a note beside his bed. I would take the dc for regular short visits, while he's in, but that's it. You could use that time to get your ducks in a row and decide what you want to happen next. Does the ow know he had a stroke?

Noqont Wed 13-Jun-18 23:53:34

I'd get through this, make sure the kids see their dad, when he's fit to leave hospital make plans to leave him.

Gemini69 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:54:49

I'm so sorry OP flowers

ConciseandNice Wed 13-Jun-18 23:55:35

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this Epic emotional shitstorm with your philandering ass of a husband in hospital. I think keep things as civil as possible and while he is there make preparations for not being around when he is out. His new woman can worry about that. Then you can deal with the kids.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 13-Jun-18 23:55:45

Why can’t the kids see him? You need to facilitate that if it’s down to you.

Absolutely hideous for you but they must come first for now.

Gemini69 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:56:44

I wouldn't be supporting him. He made your marriage vows null and void when he broke his own. Leave her name and number on a note beside his bed. I would take the dc for regular short visits, while he's in, but that's it. You could use that time to get your ducks in a row and decide what you want to happen next. Does the ow know he had a stroke?

This flowers

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 13-Jun-18 23:59:21

What a kick in the balls. Twice. You poor thing.

He’s the one who’s fucked up. Not you. Him. He’s the one who wrecked everything.

I wonder if or when you’d have found out if he hadn’t had the stroke. He’s sorry he’s been busted but because he’s ill he’ll try and make you forget it. You don’t owe him anything. You owe yourself and your DC to keep body and soul together right now. Nothing more.

The OW can do the looking after he needs. What a pair of wankers.

victoriaspongecake Wed 13-Jun-18 23:59:23

Pack his things and take them to her house.
Change his nok details at the hospital to her details.
She wanted him, she can have him.
You go and live your life.

Poptart4 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:59:38

'support him'... No fucking way. Depending on how bad his stroke was you could be talking years of therapies, learning to walk, talk, changing his nappies etc.

Op he's been cheating on you for years. He has no loyalty to you. He certainly doesn't love you. Let his fancy piece support him. It's time you moved on with your life.

I do think you should let the children see him. If you don't feel up to bringing them to the hospital ask a family member to do it and explain why. Sorry your going through this x

theoldtrout01876 Thu 14-Jun-18 00:01:19

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. She stayed. He recovered physically but had became a nasty bastard, things were awful for years till she eventually got legally separated but never had the heart to divorce him because of him having the stroke, she felt guilty.
The shit he put her through before she got the powers that be to recognize he was not the same person. He had different women all the time, spent every dime they had ( they had 2 kids ) Left her scrambling to save the house. Totally alienated their sons and caused them to have all kinds of mental health issues. When he died she had nothing left financially, she barely had her sanity but by that time the authorities and doctors etc had her down as his carer/next of kin. They didnt even live together at that point, she got him into housing and set up care for him. She had years of mental and verbal abuse as she took care of him from a distance, IE she made sure he got to doctors visits, made sure his bills were paid on his apartment, made sure he had food in etc and got ZERO benefit when he died. It was not pretty

TuTru Thu 14-Jun-18 00:03:40

I’m with Haffiana

Tiredemma Thu 14-Jun-18 00:07:38

Fuck that shit. No way would I be sitting at the bedside.

ToadOfSadness Thu 14-Jun-18 00:13:04

He is a shit. It is very sad for your children but I would walk away now rather than drag it out any longer. He has made his bed, let the OW look after him.

I am sorry OP.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Thu 14-Jun-18 00:20:52

For now, just do what you can to maintain your dcs relationship with their dad. You do not want to come out of this looking like the bad guy, even though your ex has cheated.
I wouldn’t engage with the other woman anymore, it will just make you feel worse.
When you’re not looking after your dc, you need to look after yourself and your emotional and practical needs. Do not feel obliged to visit your husband if you do not feel up to it. He is being nursed. Spend this time doing as possible said ducks in a row, and getting support for you.

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