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Horrible dilemma- please help.

(429 Posts)
beclev24 Wed 13-Jun-18 18:46:42

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

SpringerLink Wed 13-Jun-18 18:52:09

You are pregnant with a child that you dearly want. Try to see a counsellor with DH to discuss how you would both feel about an abortion and how you would feel being overwhelmed by having another child.

It’s too complicated to navigate on your own, and it needs to be a joint decision, whatever you do. There is no wrong or right, either option will strain your relationship with DH and current DC. A relationship counsellor can really help you talk through all eventualities and decide what to do.

Tunnocks34 Wed 13-Jun-18 18:52:37

Think how you would feel if you did terminate? Would you feel guilty? Would you feel relived? Would you regret it?

I had a termination at 18. Never once regretted it, it was the absolute right choice for me.

Only you know what the right choice for you is. It’s a hard decision to make, and I don’t envy you but I hope you find peace in the choice you make flowers

Ansumpasty Wed 13-Jun-18 18:53:28

Would you regret it for the rest of your life, if you terminated? If the answer is yes, then you know what’s right. Kind of seems like it was meant to be, but I’m not the one who is 45 and has to deal with the outcome, etc, so that’s easy for me to say. Good luck flowers

Whocansay Wed 13-Jun-18 18:53:31

What does your husband say?

FASH84 Wed 13-Jun-18 18:54:44

I think having the harmony test implied you wanted the baby and the fact your husband was ok with that must suggest he's not 100% against it even if he knows it'll be hard.

beclev24 Wed 13-Jun-18 18:56:02

whocansay he is frankly a bit horrified by the idea of another child - he adores our 3 and is a totally brilliant dad, but he has really found it a strain being the kind of involved dad he wants to be to 3 kids. Having said that, eh says it is totally my choice what to do.

Re regret- I just don't know. I can see regretting it both ways tbh- awful to say

Mytrainwaslate Wed 13-Jun-18 18:56:45

Would you ever recover from a termination of your longed for daughter? Doesn't sound like it.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 13-Jun-18 18:57:34

Good God read your post again. I was so shocked when I got to the actual dilemma - I thought this would be about embryo screening or something. You are actually pregnanr with this longed for baby- do you honestly think you could be ok after terminating? I really do not think that there is any dilemma here, I would strongly urge you not to consider terminating as given your views as expressed above, I think it could actually ruin your life, far more than the prospect of coping with four. Don't do it.

toomanysmallpeoplecallmemom Wed 13-Jun-18 18:57:56

Is it possible with help? So a nanny/ au pair etc?
What a tough decision for you

Mytrainwaslate Wed 13-Jun-18 18:58:23

It is totally your choice. Once the pregnancy is there, it is only the woman's choice. Counselling for you may be useful, as may counselling for your husband. But this isn't your husband's choice.

Ylvamoon Wed 13-Jun-18 18:58:44

Don't sent yourself this child...

Cauliflowershower Wed 13-Jun-18 18:59:33

I think you would regret a termination.

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 19:01:15

There’s no way I could have a termination in your situation. It will be mad for a couple of years while they’re all very young, but a couple of years in a lifetime isn’t long...then life will get easier.

I really don’t see how you’d get over a termination in your situation.

KarinVogel Wed 13-Jun-18 19:01:33

What a difficult situation to be in .I feel for you.

I suppose it comes down to 2 options.
1) Terminate and live with the consequences
2) Carry on with the pregnancy and live with a larger family.

There are so many points to consider within this that I might be tempted to simply toss a coin.
Heads for terminate .Tails for carrying on.
Only once the coin is in the air will I know which side Im willing it to land on.

NoLongerAskedForID Wed 13-Jun-18 19:04:04

What fizzygreen said!

A complex and very very difficult decision of course, but it looks as if your true desires - serious practicalities aside - are quite clear

Fruitcorner123 Wed 13-Jun-18 19:05:12

You are pregnant with a child that you dearly want.

that was my gut feeling when I read this You dearly want a girl and by some miracle you have a girl. Congratulations. Yes it will be hard but I am sure totally worth it and your last 2 will probably be very close to one another with such a small gap.

People I know who have 4 say it's really not that much harder than 3.

learntoletgo Wed 13-Jun-18 19:05:12

I feel like you are already attached to your baby girl, especially after wanting her for so long. Nobody can tell you what is best for your family but the impression your post gave to me is that you might end up regretting a termination. What a difficult decision for you, the best of luck. ♥

givemesteel Wed 13-Jun-18 19:05:15

I can't see you terminating this pregnancy based on what you have said.

To be honest though, I do find it quite uncomfortable that you've found out the gender whilst you're still deliberating over whether to go ahead with the pregnancy though, maybe I'm wrong but the implication is that you're more inclined to keep it because it is a girl.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Wed 13-Jun-18 19:06:33

I actually found it easier going from 3-4 than 2-3 dc!!
I had ds at 43!! Very envious op!!
Congratulations - you have been given your 'dream', enjoy!!

Crunchymum Wed 13-Jun-18 19:08:33

Why did you have a Harmony test if you are undecided about a termination???

beclev24 Wed 13-Jun-18 19:08:47

givemesteel you are right. believe me i am not proud of this but thats definitely true. I had the test to find out about chromsomal abnormalities, but you can opt to find out the gender at the same time. I'm not denying it and I kind of hate myself for it, but I knwo for a fact htat I would definitely not go ahead with the pregnancy if it was another boy (this is no reflection on my amazing existing boys btw)

brizzledrizzle Wed 13-Jun-18 19:08:56

m old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

If I was longing for a daughter and was pregnant with one then there is no way I'd have an abortion as I'd regret it for ever. Your boys are getting older and will get easier.

watchingwithinterest Wed 13-Jun-18 19:10:10

You need to organise help and support, get your boys in good shape before your baby girl arrives and enjoy your pregnancy. Yes you are both shocked, but you don't sound like someone ready for a termination. Only you can decide but I would go for it!

beclev24 Wed 13-Jun-18 19:10:19

crunchymum- if the baby had had severe chromosomal abnormalities I would have definitely gone ahead with a termination. I'm nots aying this is the right choice for everyone in this position, but it definitely would have been the right choice for me (we had a history with chromosomally abnormal embryos during our fertility treatment.)

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