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To think I should do something to help this woman?

(92 Posts)
bitobsessed Wed 13-Jun-18 18:10:31

We are on holiday in Lanzarote at the moment and a couple arrived in the room next door a couple of nights ago. Almost immediately we could hear the man shouting at her and accusing her of looking at other men on the bus. There was a lot of banging going on like someone was throwing things/ punching the wall between our rooms.
This evening there’s been another argument. He was unhappy that she took her t shirt off and was sunbathing in her bikini ‘showing herself off’ to other men.
I feel like I should do something but don’t know what I can do. I don’t know if he’s actually been physically violent to her but I think he’s capable of it. His language is very controlling and I heard him saying things like, “Look what you’re doing to me” as if he’s blaming her for his temper. I want to reach out to her but would this put her (and me) at more risk if he found out? Should I try talking to her when I next see her alone?
Or would it just be safer to report it to reception/security?

Fruitcorner123 Wed 13-Jun-18 18:12:40

Someone with more exoerience will vome along in a bit but ny instinct would be to aim to speak to her when she's alone. There's no evidence of a crime as such so I don't think there's any point reporting it to reception.

Lethaldrizzle Wed 13-Jun-18 18:13:23

I would try talking to her although she may be embarrassed ashamed and defensive.

pasturesgreen Wed 13-Jun-18 18:16:09

I think talking to the woman has ample potential to backfire and possibly make things even worse for her. Difficult situation, though.

bitobsessed Wed 13-Jun-18 18:19:20

That’s what I was worried about pastures
I really want to help her but don’t know what the best thing to do is

EdinaMonsoon Wed 13-Jun-18 18:21:03

That sounds horrendous. I would strike up a casual friendly conversation with her - definitely do not mention what you've heard at this point. The downside to speaking to reception is that is that if management speak to the couple he is likely to turn any embarrassment he feels into anger towards the woman and take it out on her even more. He isn't stupid - he knows the walls will be thin enough for you to hear - the fact is, people like this just don't care because they always think they are in the right.

HeedMove Wed 13-Jun-18 18:23:54

Id be complaining to reception next time he is shouting about a noise disturbance so security go up. Theres not really anything more you can do.

Queenoftheblitz Wed 13-Jun-18 18:25:04

I would have to say something to him. Along the lines of "i can hear the way you talk to her and it's not acceptable. If it carries on i will put in a complaint."
The more people that stand up to these abusers the better.

MikeUniformMike Wed 13-Jun-18 18:27:30

Drown the noise by having loud steamy sex at every possible opportunity

HateTheDF Wed 13-Jun-18 18:33:37

@Queenoftheblitz yes but then there is a possibility he will blame that on her and take it out on her. He'll see it all as her fault not his

rosamacrose Wed 13-Jun-18 18:35:32

I've been that woman op, any (what he sees as) interference will come back on her. It is so hard, but while she is so far from home, has no access to any support, its hard to see what you can do that is helpful to her. Complain about his noise would be about all.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Wed 13-Jun-18 18:36:12

Could you spend a day round the pool, assuming she is as well, and follow her when she goes to the ladies? He’s unlikely to follow her in there so you can talk to her then.

Scribblegirl Wed 13-Jun-18 18:38:19

I’ve never been in this situation on either side but I’ve heard of others on MN giving details for Women’s Aid discretely in similar situations. Not sure if it’s appropriate but I’m sorry OP, that sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

UpstartCrow Wed 13-Jun-18 18:44:21

Don't tackle him yourself, just inform reception. You could also ask to be moved to a different room. Not just for your peace of mind, but to get home the point about ow bad it sounds.

I wouldn't try to talk to her either. She may be defensive and turn on you.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 13-Jun-18 18:45:15

Try to befriend her. If you manage to strike up a few conversations, try to get it to the level of 'Why don't you and I have a nice girly [trip to the shops/pamper in the hotel spa/whatever's available and appropriate]' Do this in front of the H with sweet, giggly, girly determination, so he can't say No without making an obvious dick of himself (It's quite difficult for most people to refuse someone who is cheerfully oblivious to all hints and just keeps steamrollering on but 'nicely'). Then when it's just the two of you, see if you can slip her WA contact details or other useful advice.

Miladamermalada Wed 13-Jun-18 18:46:03

Nothing to do with you. Stay out of it.

Miladamermalada Wed 13-Jun-18 18:47:10

Then when it's just the two of you, see if you can slip her WA contact details or other useful advice.
Presumably she would be able to google this-what if he found it-she's away from home and more vulnerable.

PorkyPortia Wed 13-Jun-18 18:48:24

Report it to reception
Let them deal with it

krustykittens Wed 13-Jun-18 18:49:49

I would follow her to the toilet and give her the details of WA. Someone else recognising her situation as abusive might give her the strength to ring them. I wouldn't confront him, though.You might feel better about it but it won't be you walking into a fist later on. He will definitely take his embarrassment out on her.

Queenoftheblitz Wed 13-Jun-18 18:52:22

@HateTheDF, I know that is a risk but there's also the chance he will be shamed into piping down. Abusers don't like being exposed.
His behaviour is making op uncomfortable which is unfair too.

Mashandbangers Wed 13-Jun-18 18:52:44

I’ve been that woman on holiday too.
I wish someone had spoken to me, if nothing else just to validate that it’s not normal behaviour. By that point I’d lost all sense of what a normal relationship should be, an outside perspective might have made me come to my senses earlier xx

RubySapphireEmerald Wed 13-Jun-18 18:53:30

Stay out of it. It’s one thing to be there for someone if they confide in you, quite another to tell someone you know what they’re going through and they should do x or y about it. She needs to make those decisions for herself, she’s already being controlled by her partner from the sounds, a stranger wading in and telling her they can hear what’s going on in their closed bedroom and here’s what they should do will probably seem equally controlling to her. This is her situation, she is the one who has to decide to leave and presumably if she lives in the UK she will have heard of women’s aid.

LeahJack Wed 13-Jun-18 18:54:51

If you see her go to the ladies it might be possible for you to have a quick word and give her WA number, so it’s worth having on you. That would also mean she could hide it or get rid without him seeing it if she thought it was best.

Trying to befriend her is a bit of a ridiculous idea. I best he wouldn’t let you anywhere near.

The other thing to bear in mind is it might be worth leaving until they end of your holiday to approach her. It’s not unheard of in these situations for the woman not to welcome the approach and for the aggression to be refocused on the person who has interfered both by her and her partner.

cholka Wed 13-Jun-18 18:59:20

To those saying she could find WA details herself - it's not unusual for abusers to check phones and internet history. She might not have the freedom to google it and ring them.

Miladamermalada Wed 13-Jun-18 19:00:14

he will be shamed into piping down. Abusers don't like being exposed.
He might shout less but it doesn't mean he's being nicer

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