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To think being childfree is not about having more lie-ins or better holidays, it's because I don't want children?!?!

(63 Posts)
HerculesTheBerkules Wed 13-Jun-18 16:32:39

Colleagues with kids currently reassuring me that they still go on holiday to nice places every year and now that their kids are growing up they have lie-ins more often.

Me: confused ok great

Family tell me it's only a few years out of your life and then you get some normality and then once they're grown you've got the rest of your life. DSis tells me she's back on track with her career after a few years out.

I don't have/want kids because I have no urge to, I don't know what it's like to feel broody. I never thought oh I don't want kids because I want nice holidays!

AIBU? I feel like I'm just getting it from all sides at the moment! I'm only 31 so a few years left!

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork Wed 13-Jun-18 16:46:38

No you are not BU. You might, like lots of us, never want children, in which case it would be a big mistake to have them. I don't think it is much to do with whether or not you can have "nice holidays". We don't all feel the same as each other. Lots of childless people (me and lots of people I know and work with) have never had children, through choice. It is annoying when people assume we are secretly disappointed and sad and couldn't for some medical reason have any.

blackteasplease Wed 13-Jun-18 16:48:17

Yanbu

I think those things you mention are just very much on the minds of people who have or have had kids.

pinkbobbles Wed 13-Jun-18 16:49:47

I absolutely agree with this OP, and the flip side is also that a child free persons life isn’t all lie ins and holidays. Infuriating the assumptions people make, isn’t it? smile

ikeepaforkinmypurse Wed 13-Jun-18 16:51:05

They are only talking about their own experience, what they have "lost" by having kids. Nothing wrong with the kids, and I still love holidays even with my kids, but they are not the same as they were before. It's more about people reassuring themselves, not really about you.

Just ignore them, I don't understand why people feel the need to pop their nose into these choices. You barely pop one baby and people are already asking when you are having the next one!

Maybe you cannot have children and don't want to discuss it, maybe you do not want them, which is a perfectly valid choice. Its nobody's business, and children are not a requirement for a happy and fulfilled life. I don't know why people must have an opinion on somebody else's life, it's weird.

woolythoughts Wed 13-Jun-18 16:51:58

I totally 100% get you. I'm 42 and still get asked.

My husband (who has kids with a previous wife) even asks me fairly regularly - "have you really never wanted to have a baby growing inside you". FFS!

I don't particularly like the way children are brought up today. I'm of the view captain von trapp had a good way with kids and that they should be seen and not heard and should respect their elders. As my dad said, its a dictatorship not a democracy. etc etc etc.

Therefore since I have no urge for them I conclude I would make a bad mother and have chosen not to.

and I'm quite happy with that decision.

MarthasGinYard Wed 13-Jun-18 16:53:50

'Oh goodness it is nothing to do with holidays I'm actually Childfree by choice'

Tangled59 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:54:09

From now on just say "its because i want to keep my fanny as tight as possible". They cant argue with that!

Jammycustard Wed 13-Jun-18 16:54:09

YANBU. And I have kids.

Elspeth12345 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:55:44

I guess they must be just relaying their own feelings and/or trying to make sense of the decision that they did not make themselves?

You could just say something like I just do not feel maternal/want to be a parent etc. but you shouldn't really have to keep defending your perfectly sound decision.

I'm 30 and would love to have kids but I'm not in a position (financially, from a relationship point of view or psychologically) to have kids at the moment. There is no value to having kids when you do not want them!

HerculesTheBerkules Wed 13-Jun-18 17:02:49

"its because i want to keep my fanny as tight as possible".
grin grin

Great idea Tangled!! That'll definitely kill the conversation, hopefully forever

Elspeth I hope it works out for you one day. Fortunately I have no real issues around it, otherwise all these comments would really get to me.

ikeepaforkinmypurse Wed 13-Jun-18 17:05:21

"its because i want to keep my fanny as tight as possible".

they will just reply that you can chose to have a c-section, there's no stopping some people

ScreamingValenta Wed 13-Jun-18 17:09:28

There's no easy way to deal with this sort of pressure (love the response about fanjos though!).

If you get asked why you don't have children, you could try turning it round (assuming your interlocutor does have them) and ask 'What was it that made you decide to have children?'

Cornettoninja Wed 13-Jun-18 17:10:00

I think it's likely that people can't quite comprehend not wanting kids. I can't, not truely, because that's not how I've ever felt, they've always been in my future as far as I was concerned. I respect people's choices though (have to say since having dd I'm much more pursued to the idea though grin)

It's similar to people not quite comprehending those who have no wish to be in a relationship.

I reckon people are projecting what they've found to be the toughest bits and are attempting to be reassuring even though they haven't been asked.

It's one of those things, if you have a lifestyle removed from wider social norms then people will comment. As long as it's not unkindly I wouldn't give it too much headspace.

MargaretCavendish Wed 13-Jun-18 17:14:52

From now on just say "its because i want to keep my fanny as tight as possible". They cant argue with that!

Or maybe find a way to respond that doesn't include misogynistic slurs on other women's bodies?

ikeepaforkinmypurse Wed 13-Jun-18 17:19:10

Or maybe find a way to respond that doesn't include misogynistic slurs on other women's bodies? hmm <yawn>

some posters really need to lighten up and stop seeing misogyny everywhere

MargaretCavendish Wed 13-Jun-18 17:23:39

Oh you're right, actually, making jokes about 'loose fannies' is the height of wit and definitely not a way of making women feel shit about themselves. Silly me for not finding it hilarious.

EmpressOfSpartacus Wed 13-Jun-18 17:24:09

I've been saying similar on another thread.

My lack of desire for offspring has nothing to do with whether I like kids, or how they'd impact my lifestyle, or anything else at all really except because I simply don't want any.

Other people want kids. I don't understand why but they do, that's fine. I don't.

That's all there is to it.

fcekinghell Wed 13-Jun-18 17:24:24

why is the OP on Mumsnet then?

You're only 31. I was never broody nor maternal. Kids hated me yet I had my DD and I love her to bits and she's cuddled next to me now so loves me back.

FlyingDandelionSeed Wed 13-Jun-18 17:26:08

My husband (who has kids with a previous wife) even asks me fairly regularly - "have you really never wanted to have a baby growing inside you". FFS!

What a weird question. I have one child and want at least another and yet I've never 'wanted to have a baby growing inside me' confused, it was just short uncomfortable part of the process to get what I did want (a lifetime with my child).

To answer the OP, I think a lot of childfree people do say glib deflecting things like 'i couldn't have a child I like my holidays to much etc' (because nosey fuckers always want a reason) so it has unfortunately lead to the impression that being childfree by choice is all about wanting the money/time/etc.

HerculesTheBerkules Wed 13-Jun-18 17:29:14

fcekinghell actually MN is one of the few places I don't feel judged as a non-mother.

Also I don't hate mothers or people discussing pregnancy/motherhood/parenting, I just don't want one of my own.

cornflakegirl Wed 13-Jun-18 17:30:16

Your username proves you are very discerning, so YADNBU!

However, at the weekend, I was binge re-listening to episodes of Double Acts (before they disappear off iPlayer) with DS2. Sharing stuff like that is a pretty awesome part of having kids. (I hire mine out at very reasonable rates!)

Lottapianos Wed 13-Jun-18 17:33:52

'It's more about people reassuring themselves, not really about you.'

This. It's definitely about them, not you. Not that it's not extremely tedious, and potentially very hurtful

I love the idea of turning the question back on them - 'why did you want to have children?'. A lot of people will never have given it any thought. It's just 'what you do'. So put them on the spot for a change!

ilovesooty Wed 13-Jun-18 17:34:16

@fcekinhell

Because she's as welcome as anyone else.

FASH84 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:38:35

My aunt always says she didn't want children and has had nightmares like these comments. She's over fifty now and doesn't have children. She's an early bird anyway, but it's a choice and one that people think hard about, his can some assume it's about holidays and lie ins! If you don't want children, you don't want children what the hell does it have to do with them. Next time they say anything, I'd reply 'oh gosh and there was me deciding which way to take my whole life based on my love of a lie in and a week in the sun' filthy look, turn on heel, walk away.

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