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To not want him to go to the wedding?

(148 Posts)
helloworld178 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:12:22

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

ALiensAbductedMe Wed 13-Jun-18 16:15:30

Sounds like it is definitely down to numbers. Wouldn't bother me and I would never have asked DP not to go, given the length of the friendship etc.

thecatsthecats Wed 13-Jun-18 16:15:56

I would be happy for my engaged partner of ten years to go without me, yes. Or after we're married.

I also might tell my parents about something that annoy me, but would never consider their opinions a relevant factor in a decision my fiance made that didn't remotely involve them.

longlostpal Wed 13-Jun-18 16:17:18

I can understand why you’re hurt, but I think it would be controlling and mean to pressure him not to go, especially as he doesn’t see this group of friends that often. Are you sure the couple don’t know the other partners better, so that they don’t seem like plus ones iyswim. I have been to weddings without my dh, and he without me.

kissthealderman Wed 13-Jun-18 16:17:25

Meh. You've only met the B&G once? I wouldn't expect to be invited to a wedding of a couple I had only met once. I'd be perfectly happy for DP to go. We've both been to weddings separately where only 1 of us has been invited.

Why do you think it's disrespectful of him to go to a wedding to which you are not invited?

ragingmentalist Wed 13-Jun-18 16:17:35

Yes I would expect him to still go & no I wouldn't care.

kissthealderman Wed 13-Jun-18 16:18:07

Also, how long have you been together?

elessar Wed 13-Jun-18 16:18:40

Given that you've only met the couple once (?) then no I wouldn't kick up a huge fuss about not being invited and I wouldn't consider asking my DP not to go.

Yes I can see it's a bit upsetting not to be invited but I don't think it's personal - if the other couples are married and/or have kids together they could see that as a bigger commitment. Or maybe they know the other couples better?

If numbers are tight they have to draw the line somewhere.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 13-Jun-18 16:19:37

Of course I’d be fine about him going! It’s disappointing that you appear to have been singled out but presumably numbers are tight and they just don’t know you.

Maybe there’s also something your DH is a lot more fun when you’re not there, some people let their hair down a lot more when their partner isn’t around.

I really wouldn’t want to be pushing my way into someone’s wedding, how awkward! Just arrange a nice evening with your own friends and leave him to it.

helloworld178 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:19:37

I am the only one not invited - another guy in the friendship group has been with his girlfriend less than a year and they've never met her but she is invited...

critiqueofeveryday Wed 13-Jun-18 16:21:16

I think this is really, really mean of the people doing the inviting, both in financial and emotional terms.

I can't stand people who invite half of a couple to anything. Cut the budget elsewhere (the dress, flowers, whatever) but don't ask people to come alone. Mean, mean, mean.

kissthealderman Wed 13-Jun-18 16:21:29

Do you think your DP shouldn't go?

MsPavlichenko Wed 13-Jun-18 16:22:00

What has it got to do with your parents?

kissthealderman Wed 13-Jun-18 16:22:55

@critiqueofeveryday Oh come on, that's ridiculous.

I wouldn't want 50% of my wedding budget to be spent on virtual strangers. Being part of a couple doesn't make you a singular entity, you're still individuals.

horsestar Wed 13-Jun-18 16:22:59

What's the issue? You've met once so can understand why you aren't invited. What do you mean about the child out of wedlock?

RoseanneBarred Wed 13-Jun-18 16:23:10

I would be happy for him to go. All his friends do not have to all be your friends too.

helloworld178 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:23:20

Oh and to add, my DP is actually upset about it mainly because he will be alone whilst everyone else is coupled up and also feels personally attacked. Especially because he feels they keep making plans and not inviting me (I have never ever stood in the way of him going to any event with these people).

I also didn't ask him not to go, he just saw I was upset and had spoken with my mum about it (she lives close by, is very reasonable about everything and he usually agrees with her beliefs- but my mum had a hard line with this due to respect).

I would have no issue if no partners in the group were invited, but it's because I am the only one not.

FASH84 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:23:21

My close group of uni friends are similar, graduated 11 years ago, all lived together but have jobs, that take us all over and live in different parts of the country, some further than others. We do fake Christmas every year (like we used to before going home for the holidays) and meet up for major birthdays/events. Some have partners, some don't, I've met the partners but dint Tammy have relationships with them, so my uni friends were invited to our wedding without plus ones. None of them had an issue, and it can be boring for partners because of the in jokes and references to a time in our lives they didn't share.

ALiensAbductedMe Wed 13-Jun-18 16:24:04

But maybe they are closer to him, or maybe they didn't like you - but if they don't they don't, that shouldn't effect DPs friendship with them. I can see you might feel singled out but you don't even know these people so why let it bother you? I assume DP is allowed to remain friends with them still even if they choose to see him without you? Why do you want to go given you don't know them? I think you are being a bit sensitive and controlling to be honest.

Medea13 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:24:04

I would struggle to get upset about this tbh. YABU.

thecatsthecats Wed 13-Jun-18 16:24:16

Maybe they like the other guy better?

Maybe, the fact that you are thinking of banning him going, they think he's more fun without you?

Maybe they just aren't that fussed about your mortgage as a signifier of commitment?

Maybe like a thousand and one married couples a day, they have the draw the line somewhere and you just didn't make it for no particular reason?

You are putting too much thought into someone I guarantee isn't thinking this much about you... Never a good place to be.

helloworld178 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:24:54

It might make sense not being invited if they barely know me, but how comes they invited other people they've not met once?

The child out of wedlock point was that not all of them are married but they have a serious commitment i.e. a child. and some of them aren't even serious at all yet (in terms of time and commitments)

ALiensAbductedMe Wed 13-Jun-18 16:26:04

Their wedding, their invite list, their decision.

Medea13 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:26:11

It really seems like you're SEARCHING for reasons to be upset. This is not a big deal. If they get someone who RSVPs no (and they probably will) then the point will be entirely moot anyway. Just chill out.

kissthealderman Wed 13-Jun-18 16:26:54

How long have you been together?

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