Step neice not calling my Dad, grandad?

[Tack]

So my Dad has been with his partner for 15 years now. My dad has stepped in as a father figure (emotionally and financially) to his partner's kids as their dad is pretty much non-existent.

Whilst my step siblings have never called my dad "dad" and I haven't called their mum "mum" - as we do have our own dad and mum (even if theirs is not really around), we grew up considering ourselves as siblings. I've always viewed us as a close family.

Anyway, I've just realised that step-sister isn't acknowledging my dad as her DD's granddad whilst I am acknowledging her mum as my DS' nanny. Instead my dad is known as her "Uncle"? Even my step-mum calls him Uncle to step-niece?

AIBU or is this a bit odd? Especially when my dad is as loving and involved towards his partner's kids as his actual kids and he has a wonderfully close relationship with my step-nieces.

Also step-sister has been calling our kids cousins, e.g. "oh it be so nice that they'll have their cousin in the same school"

(FYI, hate using the term steps, I do not usually but just for clarity over here I have used the terms)

[Letmesuckyourblood]

I think it's a bit odd to call them Uncle rather than Grandad... I don't call my stepdad 'dad' I use his name but to both my kids he's known as grandad. Especially if they've been around a while already!!

However my DP called his grandmas second husband Uncle rather than Grandad and still calls his Grandads new partner Uncle as well...

[Merryoldgoat]

I’ve never understood the reverence around titles. I call all of my family by their names including my grandmother and mum (whilst she was alive) and people always seemed to think it was disrespectful - how I have no idea.

It doesn’t make any difference to the actual relationship at all.

[Tack]

I remember calling family friends or elderly neighbours "auntie" or "uncle" when growing up as a sign of respect but just feels a bit cold calling my Dad "uncle"

I haven't asked my Dad about it as I don't want to make a big deal out of it or upset him by pointing it out.

[pigsDOfly]

Well it's clearly how she feels and her right to call him what she's comfortable with in the same way you call these people by the name you're comfortable with. Relationships are complex and different people have different ideas of closeness within families.

I'm not sure what your AIBU is tbh.

You'd only be unreasonable if you tried to impose you opinion on her and expected her to do the same as you.

[Letmesuckyourblood]

Merryoldgoat really?? And no one ever said anything?.. I'd hate it if my kids called me by my name rather than Mam or mummy

[Floeer]

Merryoldgoat but you were like that for everyone so everyone had equal treatment. Whereas here, the pattern doesn't fit with my Dad being called Uncle

[Floeer]

ah well NC ruined. Was trying to keep my Feminist chat name separate from rest of MN

rolls eyes

[Letmesuckyourblood]

Hahaha oh well nvm!

[Floeer]

pigsDOfly ah sorry, AIBU to think it is a bit odd not to call my dad "granddad" yet call my DS "cousin" when my dad holds all responsibilities and roles of a granddad. And isn't the term Uncle not really fitting?

I wouldn't dare impose it, not worth rocking the (very full) family boat

[DragonMummy1418]

None of your business at all.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Step back from this. As you said, you didn't call her mother mum, and she didn't call your father dad. Makes sense she wouldn't call your father grandad either. You may feel okay about "nanny" for your stepmother, but that doesn't mean she has to feel okay about "grandad" for her stepfather.

[Merryoldgoat]

@Letmesuckyourblood (amazing name!)

No one in the family said anything - plenty of other people did though. I’m one of a LOT of grandchildren and none of us call our grandmother anything other than her name.

To be fair, I’m the only one who called my mum by her first name but the reason is we lived with my grandmother for years so I heard my mum being called her name and that’s what stuck. I SOMETIMES called her mum but she wasn’t concerned.

My child is experimenting and occasionally calls me by my first name which I don’t mind but he seems to now be using ‘mummy’.

[Floeer]

DragonMummy1418 well it is a little considering how my DS is called cousin and I'm being called Auntie? Feels all unbalanced?

Do I just stop calling them cousin and auntie and uncle now? And how about my step-mum as "nanny"?

[Floeer]

JamieVardysHavingAParty true, I'll just extract all titles from step-family now I think

[Merryoldgoat]

I suppose I’m just clumsily saying I don’t think the title matters - more the treatment and affection shown between people.

[Letmesuckyourblood]

merryoldgoat haha thank you!!

And fair enough. I guess if it works for you and your family are fine with it then it's all good. Like you said it doesn't effect the relationship by being called by your name.

I think it's just personal preference isn't it :)

[lecossaise]

It's a bit unusual to call him uncle rather than his name, perhaps, but maybe she has discussed it with your dad/her mum? If he's not upset about it I don't think you need to be.

[MaiaRindell]

I call my Step-dad by his first name but my DCs called him Grandpa.
So, my dad's wife who lives abroad and I barely know needed a name too. She is Gran Linda to differentiate between her and the other grandparents.

[Letmesuckyourblood]

Floeer it is a little strange that your called auntie and cousins etc but it's just your dad being called something out of the norm... is you stepsister not close with him? By close with you and your kids? Maybe that could by why

[user1499173618]

It really is preferable for family relationships to have clarity. Your father is neither Grandfather nor Uncle to your stepsister’s children and he should not therefore be called any name by them that suggests that he is either grandfather or uncle.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Don't get hung up on it. Your sister/stepsister just values the title of "grandad". It's not a slur on anyone else in your family. She calls you her kids' auntie, and says yours are cousins to hers, so she clearly isn't rejecting the family!

[lottiegarbanzo]

I think calling him Uncle is odd, because it's incorrect and I'm a bit of a pedant. I can see the thinking - it's a family honorific, without displacing their real grandad entirely (whether that's considered important personally, or just in terms of having things correct, in one way).

In those circs, I'd be using first name and expect the dcs to do the same. He isn't actually tehir Grandad. He is and that can be used and regarded as affectionately as anyone likes.

[Letmesuckyourblood]

user why isn't grandfather a name he should be called?? He'll be acting in the role and doing everything a granddad does...

So by your thinking a man who's been there since day 1 in a child's life but it's blood dad therefore shouldn't be called dad??

[Stephisaur]

I call my Step Dad by his name, but buy him cards addressed to "Dad."

When I first met him, that's how he was introduced to me and it has been my decision to consider him as the father figure in my life.

All my nieces and nephews call him Granddad though, even though my siblings don't see him as their dad. It's a bit weird for a step parent to be called "Auntie" or "Uncle" IMO, particularly if married to a "Nan" or "Granddad"!

[Floeer]

lecossaise very true.

You know what I think this is actually completely my issue here (well ofc it is) but actually writing it down here and reading (even just a few) responses has made me realise I think what it is: its just a further addition to a string of recent (past 2 years) events that has made me realise that we aren't actually a family despite how we were bought up under same house and felt like a family when growing up. I need to come to terms with this and accept it. so yes IABU haha I now think? Suppose I'm projecting my own feeling of rejection which isn't my Dad's issue.