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Step neice not calling my Dad, grandad?

(64 Posts)
Tack Wed 13-Jun-18 14:25:27

So my Dad has been with his partner for 15 years now. My dad has stepped in as a father figure (emotionally and financially) to his partner's kids as their dad is pretty much non-existent.

Whilst my step siblings have never called my dad "dad" and I haven't called their mum "mum" - as we do have our own dad and mum (even if theirs is not really around), we grew up considering ourselves as siblings. I've always viewed us as a close family.

Anyway, I've just realised that step-sister isn't acknowledging my dad as her DD's granddad whilst I am acknowledging her mum as my DS' nanny. Instead my dad is known as her "Uncle"? Even my step-mum calls him Uncle to step-niece?

AIBU or is this a bit odd? Especially when my dad is as loving and involved towards his partner's kids as his actual kids and he has a wonderfully close relationship with my step-nieces.

Also step-sister has been calling our kids cousins, e.g. "oh it be so nice that they'll have their cousin in the same school"

(FYI, hate using the term steps, I do not usually but just for clarity over here I have used the terms)

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:29:44

I think it's a bit odd to call them Uncle rather than Grandad... I don't call my stepdad 'dad' I use his name but to both my kids he's known as grandad. Especially if they've been around a while already!!

However my DP called his grandmas second husband Uncle rather than Grandad and still calls his Grandads new partner Uncle as well...

Merryoldgoat Wed 13-Jun-18 14:30:32

I’ve never understood the reverence around titles. I call all of my family by their names including my grandmother and mum (whilst she was alive) and people always seemed to think it was disrespectful - how I have no idea.

It doesn’t make any difference to the actual relationship at all.

Tack Wed 13-Jun-18 14:32:27

I remember calling family friends or elderly neighbours "auntie" or "uncle" when growing up as a sign of respect but just feels a bit cold calling my Dad "uncle"

I haven't asked my Dad about it as I don't want to make a big deal out of it or upset him by pointing it out.

pigsDOfly Wed 13-Jun-18 14:32:28

Well it's clearly how she feels and her right to call him what she's comfortable with in the same way you call these people by the name you're comfortable with. Relationships are complex and different people have different ideas of closeness within families.

I'm not sure what your AIBU is tbh.

You'd only be unreasonable if you tried to impose you opinion on her and expected her to do the same as you.

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:33:11

Merryoldgoat really?? And no one ever said anything?.. I'd hate it if my kids called me by my name rather than Mam or mummy

Floeer Wed 13-Jun-18 14:33:53

Merryoldgoat but you were like that for everyone so everyone had equal treatment. Whereas here, the pattern doesn't fit with my Dad being called Uncle

Floeer Wed 13-Jun-18 14:34:49

ah well NC ruined. Was trying to keep my Feminist chat name separate from rest of MN

rolls eyes

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:36:40

Hahaha oh well nvm!

Floeer Wed 13-Jun-18 14:36:47

pigsDOfly ah sorry, AIBU to think it is a bit odd not to call my dad "granddad" yet call my DS "cousin" when my dad holds all responsibilities and roles of a granddad. And isn't the term Uncle not really fitting?

I wouldn't dare impose it, not worth rocking the (very full) family boat

DragonMummy1418 Wed 13-Jun-18 14:38:38

None of your business at all.

JamieVardysHavingAParty Wed 13-Jun-18 14:39:42

Step back from this. As you said, you didn't call her mother mum, and she didn't call your father dad. Makes sense she wouldn't call your father grandad either. You may feel okay about "nanny" for your stepmother, but that doesn't mean she has to feel okay about "grandad" for her stepfather.

Merryoldgoat Wed 13-Jun-18 14:40:03

@Letmesuckyourblood (amazing name!)

No one in the family said anything - plenty of other people did though. I’m one of a LOT of grandchildren and none of us call our grandmother anything other than her name.

To be fair, I’m the only one who called my mum by her first name but the reason is we lived with my grandmother for years so I heard my mum being called her name and that’s what stuck. I SOMETIMES called her mum but she wasn’t concerned.

My child is experimenting and occasionally calls me by my first name which I don’t mind but he seems to now be using ‘mummy’.

Floeer Wed 13-Jun-18 14:40:31

DragonMummy1418 well it is a little considering how my DS is called cousin and I'm being called Auntie? Feels all unbalanced?

Do I just stop calling them cousin and auntie and uncle now? And how about my step-mum as "nanny"?

Floeer Wed 13-Jun-18 14:41:27

JamieVardysHavingAParty true, I'll just extract all titles from step-family now I think

Merryoldgoat Wed 13-Jun-18 14:41:43

I suppose I’m just clumsily saying I don’t think the title matters - more the treatment and affection shown between people.

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:43:13

merryoldgoat haha thank you!!

And fair enough. I guess if it works for you and your family are fine with it then it's all good. Like you said it doesn't effect the relationship by being called by your name.

I think it's just personal preference isn't it smile

lecossaise Wed 13-Jun-18 14:43:14

It's a bit unusual to call him uncle rather than his name, perhaps, but maybe she has discussed it with your dad/her mum? If he's not upset about it I don't think you need to be.

MaiaRindell Wed 13-Jun-18 14:44:18

I call my Step-dad by his first name but my DCs called him Grandpa.
So, my dad's wife who lives abroad and I barely know needed a name too. She is Gran Linda to differentiate between her and the other grandparents.

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:44:56

Floeer it is a little strange that your called auntie and cousins etc but it's just your dad being called something out of the norm... is you stepsister not close with him? By close with you and your kids? Maybe that could by why

user1499173618 Wed 13-Jun-18 14:45:30

It really is preferable for family relationships to have clarity. Your father is neither Grandfather nor Uncle to your stepsister’s children and he should not therefore be called any name by them that suggests that he is either grandfather or uncle.

JamieVardysHavingAParty Wed 13-Jun-18 14:46:17

Don't get hung up on it. Your sister/stepsister just values the title of "grandad". It's not a slur on anyone else in your family. She calls you her kids' auntie, and says yours are cousins to hers, so she clearly isn't rejecting the family!

lottiegarbanzo Wed 13-Jun-18 14:47:02

I think calling him Uncle is odd, because it's incorrect and I'm a bit of a pedant. I can see the thinking - it's a family honorific, without displacing their real grandad entirely (whether that's considered important personally, or just in terms of having things correct, in one way).

In those circs, I'd be using first name and expect the dcs to do the same. He isn't actually tehir Grandad. He is <first name> and that can be used and regarded as affectionately as anyone likes.

Letmesuckyourblood Wed 13-Jun-18 14:47:40

user why isn't grandfather a name he should be called?? He'll be acting in the role and doing everything a granddad does...

So by your thinking a man who's been there since day 1 in a child's life but it's blood dad therefore shouldn't be called dad??

Stephisaur Wed 13-Jun-18 14:48:31

I call my Step Dad by his name, but buy him cards addressed to "Dad."

When I first met him, that's how he was introduced to me and it has been my decision to consider him as the father figure in my life.

All my nieces and nephews call him Granddad though, even though my siblings don't see him as their dad. It's a bit weird for a step parent to be called "Auntie" or "Uncle" IMO, particularly if married to a "Nan" or "Granddad"!

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