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To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

(173 Posts)
sophiebeth Wed 13-Jun-18 09:36:25

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

FASH84 Wed 13-Jun-18 09:40:53

Why are you letting an eleven year old dictate to you in the same way your mother does? You are the parent.

Redglitter Wed 13-Jun-18 09:41:22

She's 11. She's a child. She doesn't get to dictate what you do. We had to move schools twice due to my Dad's job. Were we happy when we found out? Were we hell but there was no option. On both occasions we settled fine. She will too

RailReplacementBusService Wed 13-Jun-18 09:44:32

Time to be the parent. You make clear you are moving to this area and she has the option of working with you to attend a good school that will help her with her music or she will cut off her nose to spite her face and attend a less good one.

FizzyWizzyFlash Wed 13-Jun-18 09:46:19

DD has grown up and watched your mum treat you this way so she's learnt the behaviour and is now doing to you what your mum does to you. This has given your mum more authority over DD than you have over your DD. You stay with mum and it sounds like your DD will take over from your mum.

It sounds like moving away from your mother will be very good for you. Stand your ground. You're doing amazing so far!

NotAnotherUserName5 Wed 13-Jun-18 09:49:53

We moved when my daughter was 11 last year.
We were the worst parents in the world, ruining her life etc.
A year on she's never been happier-lovely new friends and settled right in.
You aren't the adult, you make the decision and then inform her of it.

Kids adjust, and it sounds like it's in the best interests of both of you.

NotAnotherUserName5 Wed 13-Jun-18 09:52:10

Are the adult, not aren't

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 13-Jun-18 09:53:02

I wonder how receptive the head of the private school would be to talking about DDs reluctance to move. They might accept this as a pre-teen sulk they could work with. I would think they’d need to see it as a blip rather than behavioural issues that will disrupt the class.

Noqont Wed 13-Jun-18 09:53:55

Ermmm she's 11. She doesn't decide on this. You do.

Canwejustrelaxnow Wed 13-Jun-18 09:55:32

Your motives are pure. You are the adult. You know what's best. It will only be harder to move the older she gets. Good luck.

Str4ngedaysindeed Wed 13-Jun-18 09:57:24

Just concerned about you assuming she will get a bursary? Is this definite??

CoraPirbright Wed 13-Jun-18 10:04:49

Could you get her to visit the school without any pressure to meet the head - simply so she can have a look? Big up the music dept and ooh and aah over the opportunities she will get there (do they have a recording studio? DEF go and see that!) and I think her interest might be peaked. Have you discussed bursaries with them?

Huge congratulations to you - it sounds like you have made massive strides in sorting out your relationship with your mum. Do continue to make them - you are the adult and you are going to have to ride the 11 year old storms. They will soon abate! Good luck flowers

coffeekittens Wed 13-Jun-18 10:05:23

Your DD has every right to be upset but has no say in the matter, you’re her parent she goes with you. A clean break sounds exactly what you and DD need. I’m a bit concerned about you assuming she’d get a bursary? I live and grew up in Shropshire, from my own experiences and experiences of friends none of the state secondary schools are bad so I wouldn’t let that be a deciding factor personally.

Tambien Wed 13-Jun-18 10:06:04

Yep, she is a child. You decide, not her.
Actually seeing you putting boundaries up will do her a lot of good. You need to explain too (How To spot blackmail, that blackmail isn’t acceptable etc etc)
Please note how she is using the same blackmailing method than your mum too....

And she will be fine moving now. She will have another 4 years to make friends again.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 13-Jun-18 10:09:19

You absolutely need to move away from your mother. You are the adult. She is the child. Your mother is also a child. Don’t back down, you will create a monster of epic proportions, destined to forever have a difficult relationship with you. Then unless she breaks the cycle, she will again have a child, who is bullied like you.

Be strong. Break the cycle. Teach your daughter (and your mother) this is not the way she or your mother are allowed to treat you.

Personally if you can get a bursary in 12 months time, I would forget it for now.

Davespecifico Wed 13-Jun-18 10:11:19

I agree with Cora. Do a school visit beforethebursary interview. This should reduce her anxiety and help her be more relaxed and positive in the interview.
Do leave your mum. It will so be for the best.

Missingstreetlife Wed 13-Jun-18 10:13:35

You have parental responsibility. You can give notice at current school but be sure to have a place at new one. Assume her dad or your dp, any other relative can't speak to her?
You could say you are going, if she tries it and really can't get on with it after a year you will reconsider, but probably better to just get on with it.
Good luck, you may have to limit contact with your mum for a while.

cantfindname Wed 13-Jun-18 10:16:07

Move heaven and earth to move. Seriously.

My mother did this to me and I 'lost' my daughter years ago due to the manipulation and downright lies my mother told. Daughter is now in her forties, I haven't seen her for years and don't know my Granddaughters.

I was a fool. Don't make my mistakes x

BrownTurkey Wed 13-Jun-18 10:21:23

I agree with others that she is likely to settle after a while and be better off long term (maybe press ahead with visits to various schools and if she blows it with the bursary school then so be it, that one is a chance that might not come off anyway).

However, if she is distressed enough to do things like run away back to your Mum etc you might be in for a rough ride. And I would add that having lived there from birth your Mum will be a strong attachment figure for her too and so this will have psychological impact on her (but so will staying, so I don’t mean that you are doing the wrong thing).

Calm consistency and authoratative parenting will need to be your bywords.

CoraPirbright Wed 13-Jun-18 10:26:18

Would you look into your dd having therapy too? She needs to break free of the poisonous hold your mother has just as much as you do.

Are there any other relatives who can help? Are you in contact with the father? What about your dad? Aunts/uncles who understand the situation? Or has your mother scared them all off?

KingLooieCatz Wed 13-Jun-18 10:33:59

DS wasn't best pleased when we re-located. In his mind he was doing grand at his old school but in reality he really wasn't! There have been some compromises that he doesn't understand.

Truthfully, in the short term it was a bit tough but DH and I are less stressed and much happier and that in the longer term that is what is best for DS, and will be best for your DD. DS is doing so much better at school and in life now.

mumeeee Wed 13-Jun-18 10:40:13

I agree with other posters. You need to move away. DD is 11 and a child. You ate her parent so you tell her you are moving.

Jaxhog Wed 13-Jun-18 10:42:48

My parents moved me at 12 years old. Best thing we ever did, and I hated moving at the time. She'll make friends quickly like I did.

Cliveybaby Wed 13-Jun-18 10:47:13

err she's 11... she can't "refuse"!

PieAndPumpkins Wed 13-Jun-18 10:48:37

Yup, pretty typical behaviour for a child. Time to tell her YOU are the adult and the parent, not your mother. Your mother has no rights to your daughter, she is YOUR child and she will move where you move. Try to think about how she'll feel when she's an adult with a private school education vs staying in a school for the sake of her 1 year long friendships who she'll likely never see again as an adult - it's a no brainer. Really well done on building the courage up to stand up to your mother. Be strong, best of luck.

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