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To think people don't take gay relationships as seriously as straight ones?

(44 Posts)
daimbars Wed 13-Jun-18 07:54:30

Examples I can think of at work include my wedding (or civil partnership as it was back then). When other people got married there was a whip round and we all put in a fiver for a card and present. When it was my CP I got nothing, not even a card. Colleagues knew I was getting married and were invited to the evening do.

I don’t think it’s me that’s the problem as I got a nice card and pressie on my 30th birthday.

In my current job I asked for a day of compassionate leave for FIL’s funeral. We were close. Boss said no, I had to take annual leave as compassionate leave it only for family. Fair enough I thought until a colleague mentioned same boss had given her three days compassionate leave when her dog died!

My DW thinks people see gay marriages as close friendships and don’t give them the same respect as straight marriages.

AIBU to think she has a point? If you are straight how do you view gay relationships?

TheActualRealCinderella Wed 13-Jun-18 07:56:23

Sounds like you work with dicks.

At my work we did the usual whip round for a CP.

MsHopey Wed 13-Jun-18 07:59:02

I would agree with you probably just work with dicks.
Myself and one other person left a company on the same day (me to have my baby and the other person starting a new job) the other person for a card, cake, presents and balloons. Most people didn't even bother saying goodbye to me.
Oh well. Glad I left, bunch of dicks.

Shoxfordian Wed 13-Jun-18 07:59:10

Yeah your work people are horrible. I consider gay or straight relationships have exactly the same importance and would celebrate a marriage exactly the same regardless. Basically you work with dicks as above.

Hideandgo Wed 13-Jun-18 08:00:27

I’m sorry OP, it’s very unfair.

I see gay relationships as completely equal in every way to straight relationships.

Pandora79 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:00:35

In my experience yabu. But that's my experience.

Where I work a marriage between two people of the same sex would get a whip round like a marriage between 2 people of the opposite sex. Never seen a difference in attitudes towards it at my work.

And you wouldn't get bereavement leave for fil (regardless of the sex of your spouse). I think you should get it, but there you go.

You can't really compare the dog situation though. That's god nothing to do with sexuality or marriage. Weird they gave compassionate leave for a dog. I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't quite true. Probably unpaid leave or emergency holiday.

Storm4star Wed 13-Jun-18 08:03:54

I don’t see a gay relationship as any different. My former boss was in a same sex marriage and they had a baby while I was working there and we did the usual getting a card and gift etc. If i’m being honest, there were a couple of colleagues that felt a bit off about it but we all saw that as their issue, not our boss’ issue. So yes, I would agree that some people don’t view them the same but they are ignorant!

Timeforabiscuit Wed 13-Jun-18 08:04:34

Your boss is a dick,

Gay partnerships are exactly the same as straight ones in my book, absolutely not a "close friendship"!

I wonder if its a hangover from civil partnership differing from marriage in that you cant divorce on the grounds of a adultary? But then the people who probably have those thoughts wouldnt have looked into civil partnerships anyway!

FASH84 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:05:53

Your workplace sounds horrible, at mine civil partnerships and any marriage get the same whip round, the immediate team usually organise a stag/hen lunch or after work drinks depending on the person and compassionate leave would be given for long term partner's parent's funeral even if not married/CP. Mind you we also do whip rounds for new homes, babies, passing driving tests, major anniversaries, birthdays, retirement, long service and so on. How widely the collection gets passed depends on the event, so normal birthday your team only, 50th whole office.

midnightmisssuki Wed 13-Jun-18 08:07:13

No you just work with awful people. Where I work no one is treated differently. And we wouldn’t give leave for fil bereavement I’m afraid. Sorry for your loss.

daimbars Wed 13-Jun-18 08:09:22

I didn't mention when I got pregnant in my old job - I did get a card but there were three colleagues who pointedly refused to sign it. They were very fundamentalist Christian though and used to go to church together at lunch times so I wasn't that surprised.

Glad to hear most wouldn't discriminate between gay and straight weddings that's heartening to hear!

daimbars Wed 13-Jun-18 08:10:32

Thanks Midnight x

PaintedHorizons Wed 13-Jun-18 08:24:38

"People" is a sweeping statement. I do, everyone I know does. That's my "sample size".

onedayiwillmissthis Wed 13-Jun-18 08:25:39

I don't think I would differentiate between any type of marriage.

They can all end just as easily when they become unpleasant in some way.

Or they can go on happily till the death of one partner. Who knows?

You celebrate each in the hope of 'forever '...whoever.

However...I love my dog and can well understand that grief for a dog could be greater than for an in-law...so maybe the boss who allowed 3 days for dog loss understood bonding with an animal can be as strong if not stronger than some human relationships.

gingergenius Wed 13-Jun-18 08:28:01

That sounds close to discrimination op! Disgraceful.

AnneElliott Wed 13-Jun-18 08:39:17

Not an issue in our workplace, we got the two who had a CP the same dinner service from John Lewis that we got for the couple who got married.

Also threw a baby shower for our old boss who was expecting and had a female partner.

Your workplace sound a bit rubbish.

ShinyShooney Wed 13-Jun-18 08:48:54

Do you mind saying what industry you work in?

I think you work with dicks with old fashioned views.

I sort of understand the dog/ FIL thing. To a lot of people dog is considered immediate family, it's lived in the family home everyday for all it's life. FIL is relation of someone else- some people aren't close to in-laws. I think dog's death would have more of an effect on day to day life.

unintentionalthreadkiller Wed 13-Jun-18 09:03:36

I also think you work with dicks and it's not an attitude I've ever come across!

daimbars Wed 13-Jun-18 09:06:41

I guess each incident in isolation wouldn't have been a big deal, and I do get that dogs are part of a family. It's just that it happened at two separate companies.

I work in the city of London with some cool people but lots of stuffy old fashioned males too. I overheard day the other day, 'Blimey my old chum Gordon from Eton has joined LinkedIn's LGBT network. Well he's off my Christmas card list!'

SleepingStandingUp Wed 13-Jun-18 09:14:01

I dobtdon't think I'd have got leave for an in law in a mixed sex marriage op so I don't think that means anything. I imagine your colleague got some type of leave because she was in no state to come to work due to emotional distress.

Re the wedding though, sounds like you just work with an odd bunch. I wonder if they didn't want to offend the Christian fundamentalists though because we all know Jesus didn't teach people to love everyone... oh, hang on, wait a minute...

Weddings are weddings, babies are babies, love is love and idiots are idiots.

One set of parents in our NCT group are both women. Their little girl is no different to ours, their love sends as strong as ours, they're wedding dresses were both beautiful - that pretty much covers my main considerations on weddings I didn't get to go to

greendale17 Wed 13-Jun-18 09:23:25

I don’t leave compassionate leave if my in laws died

ShatnersBassoon Wed 13-Jun-18 09:24:01

I don't think it's the case, speaking generally. It sounds as if you work with some awful people.

Would the head of your HR department agree with your boss's decision to give compassionate leave for a dog, but not your FIL? Certainly not, and it's worth asking them to clarify what would qualify for such leave, for future reference.

I would also be making sure that homophobic behaviour wasn't left ignored. Ask HR how they would like you to log it.

ShatnersBassoon Wed 13-Jun-18 09:25:08

I don’t leave compassionate leave if my in laws died

You also probably wouldn't be granted any if your dog died.

frasier Wed 13-Jun-18 09:25:15

Gosh I’ve never come across this ever.

IHATEPeppaPig Wed 13-Jun-18 09:26:43

@Pandora79 you'd be surprised - I know someone who got 2 weeks paid compassionate leave for her horse dying and a fair few for cats/dogs etc.

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