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Conflicts.. Who do?

(4 Posts)
Evigglad46 Wed 13-Jun-18 07:53:57

Hi.. I would like to know who does the conflicts with your children, in your family? In my family it is absolutely me who do and I am fed up. My husbond is getting very upset within minuts of a conflict with children (10 and 15 years) and as I then asked him to stay out and let me do it - he think it is "an agreement", which he has a point in, obviously - but it is not reasonable that he cant control his temper and has no desire to learn.
He is very hard working, at work and home; also very generous with money to the kids, always want to do a bike ride, make a bon fire etc - but he just dont do conflicts.
We had an argument about it last night, where he said "but that is the agreement", and pointed that there is also things I cant do; he do most of the practicals on our farm, I dont drive in cities etc.
But it is haaaaaaard to always be the one to set bounderies and arguing with kids and I am drained emotionelly. My son has ADHD and is 15; we have a lot of arguing sometimes, My daughter is 10 and is also argumentative, and it drains me. And I feel alone in it.
I know he cant to discussions with them more than 2-3 minuts then he gets pissed of - but is it fair that a grown man (51 years old!) is not in the slightest way inclined to learn?
He has 2 kids from previous marriage, they are grown now, and he never had an argument with them as they have angel wings. (true, I know them, not at all like the kids we have at home)
I think it makes me withdraw from him. I feel like a single mum with a really hot and hard working janitor around.. - which is not all bad, obviously - but it doesnt really feel like a family.
Am I totally unfair??

Theusual Wed 13-Jun-18 08:02:02

I don’t really know what ‘who does the conflicts’ means but I assume you are saying you sort out all the issues with the children as your husband loses his temper. Also not sure what you mean by ‘the agreement.’

It does sound draining. Why don’t you look at it in a different way? Instead of focusing on arguments and conflict, back off a bit and pick your battles. I have dc with adhd btw and that makes life easier.

Evigglad46 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:12:16

Sorry - I am not from England :-) Yes, I do mean "who sort out the issues with kids".. And as I have asked husbond to stay out of the sorting the issues with kids, as he looses his temper. I assumed (my mistake) that he would learn in time, but many years on, he lean on "the agreement" and has no intention to learn and is happy with going to work in the morning and coming home and work on our farm. Usually he come in to eat dinner and go out working again, and come in the evening, to watch a movie with me. Has little interaction with kids, unless we do stuff, as going to beach, out to dinner etc.
The conflicts are usually about kids cleaning up after themselves, curfews, house rules etc.
What do you mean by back off a bit? - ignoring their messy rooms, let them skip curfew (coming home time)?
I am picking my battles; but if I stay down on house rules, they will do as they please. (15 year old is going to boarding school after summerholidays)
But I really would like to know if it is normal that only one parent "dicipline" their kids and the other one takes care of the pracical and fun stuff.. I think it is called emotional Labour - is that only womans work?

Evigglad46 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:59:03

Maby i get more respons if this was moved to aibu- how do i do that?

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