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Who is being unreasonable- gym and newborn

(61 Posts)
magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 06:47:04

DS is 4 weeks old. My OH had been to the gym pretty much daily since DS was born and often gets up at 6 to go before work. I do all of the night feeds, and most day feeds and pretty much 90% of all baby related things and 90% of things around the house like cooking, washing and shopping etc. I am on maternity leave and he works full time. DS is combination fed so technically OH could do a lot more feeding etc if he was actually ever here.

Now my AIBU is- should he be going to the gym every day (5 or 6 times a week)- aibu to be pissed off about it? I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go but am I ok to feel really angry he is getting so much 'me time' when I can't even go to the toilet when I want.

This morning he left at 6.10 and woke both me and the baby up first - the baby was laid in bed next to me as we had been feeding both laid down when he wouldnt settle about an hour before - I've been up 3 times in the night already whilst OH has slept peacefully. OH moved DS into his crib and told me I shouldn't have him in the bed- we were fine, no covers etc. DS would almost definitely have slept another hour or so at this time which meant I could have too but now we are both awake and DS is feeding again and crying a fair bit from being woken up!

If OH wants to spend all his free time at the gym rather than with DS thats his loss but AIBU to want to LTB if he ever wakes me and the sleeping baby again?!

Hermitsunited Wed 13-Jun-18 06:53:13

I'd be fuming avout how inconsiderate he's being and tell him so. Tell him that he is to let you sleep and if he wants to get up that early to go to the gym he is to sleep downstairs and take all his things with him so he doesn't have to come upstairs and wake up and baby up. My husband leaves for work at 5:30 some days and occasionally sleeps on the sofa so he doesn't wake me up too early.

moita Wed 13-Jun-18 06:55:40

No, YANBU. He's a parent, he needs to do his fair share. What's his response when you bring this up?

My DH never did night feeds with our first as I was breast-feeding. But he was in charge of bath time and nappies when he wasn't working.

Booboostwo Wed 13-Jun-18 06:55:50

He's behaving like an arsehole. Going to the gym once a week to unwind I see fine, especially if you got the same time for a hobby/sleep/meet with friends or whatever else you wanted. Keeping up a daily hobby when you have a newborn is selfish. He needs to parent because he is a parent now.

As for waking you up this morning I am lost for words! If he has any concerns regarding cosleeping he should discuss them when you are awake. If he wakes up the baby then he keeps the baby, he doesn't bugger off to the gym. I would have handed him the baby this morning and gone back to bed. He needs a wake up call by the sound of things!

magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 06:55:53

Thank you Hermit I'm pretty sleep deprived generally so it's hard to know if I'm being irrational! Glad you agree!

Neverender Wed 13-Jun-18 06:58:19

We have a rule in our house - you wake the baby, you take the baby.

WineAndTiramisu Wed 13-Jun-18 06:59:52

If he wakes the baby up, he has to get him back to sleep... Seems a very fair rule grin

I'd talk to him, maybe suggest he goes to the gym every other day, and the days he isn't going, he takes the baby downstairs for an hour or two before work to give you a sleep

Or tell him what you want, seems you'd be less annoyed about the gym if he was contributing at other times?
He could do the late evening feeds so you could go to bed and get some sleep?

MissBax Wed 13-Jun-18 07:00:00

You are most definitely NBU, however I would wonder whether he's struggling abit with parenthood , feeling a bit useless or inadequate maybe? The first call would be to just have a chat about it and let him know how it makes you feel. If he then didn't take it on board I'd get a bit more riled up. Communication is vital at this point in your lives (new baby. Big changes etc)

Taytotots Wed 13-Jun-18 07:00:18

YANBU. It is very unfair that he is getting a lot of personal time and you are not. Plus the waking the sleeping baby would make me really mad! Have you sat down and told him this very directly? Maybe you could schedule daddy time such as bath time so you get some time alone too? Can he cut down on gym time a bit? Schedule some times (days if possible with feeding) to leave him alone with baby - he will appreciate much more what it is like afterwards.

magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 07:00:42

I should have told him to sort DS out but was so half asleep I just got up and got on with it and told him to piss off!

KittyVonCatsworth Wed 13-Jun-18 07:01:26

Hand him the baby? I’d be handing his balls to him on a plate. YADNBU xx

positivity123 Wed 13-Jun-18 07:05:11

YANBU.
He should not have woken you up at all. When DD was that age I used to get up at about 11am as she would sleep quite well between about 4 and 10am with the odd feed.
He should not be at the gym every day. He should be looking after his child

magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 07:05:50

He doesn't ever really have DS on his own... only when he was a newborn with jaundice and literally slept so much we had to wake him to feed. DS is much harder work now. I asked him to take him for a couple of hours Sunday so I could have a bath etc before we went out with friends for lunch and by the time he was back from the gym I had about and hour- half of which he stood talking to me holding the baby - I was really looking forward to just an hour baby free!

If I try to talk to him he's quite defensive and things I'm criticising him- or accuses me of being controlling. Which really really pisses me off so I've started to just let him get in with it and accept he isn't going to pull his weight!

50shadesofgreyismylaundry Wed 13-Jun-18 07:07:36

If he wakes you and the baby up wake him up every single time the baby wakes you until you get through to him what a knob he's being. And no, YANBU about that level of gym usage.

sanityisamyth Wed 13-Jun-18 07:07:40

He's a twat.

My ExH left home at 6.30/7am, picked up an 18 year old girl he was having a emotional relationship with from a nearby town, took her to work, went to work an hour away, picked the 18 year old up from work, came home for 10 mins (didn't have anything to do with newborn DS), went back to 18 year old's house to take her up to see my horses (after telling me I couldn't see them as there wasn't enough space in the car for me and DS), then took her home. Her parents then fed and entertained him until he came back at 10pm when DS was asleep. This was a daily occurrence. Even at weekends he never helped with DS.

Another reason he's an ExH

VladmirsPoutine Wed 13-Jun-18 07:11:43

You're going to have to nip this in the bud if you don't want this dynamic to become the future. It's already started and will be like this for a very long, arduous road ahead. Resentment will start to grow if it isn't already and you'll be pushed to your limits.

If I try to talk to him he's quite defensive and things I'm criticising him- or accuses me of being controlling. Which really really pisses me off so I've started to just let him get in with it and accept he isn't going to pull his weight!

This is very sad. In his ideal world you'd just get on with it and stop nagging and hassling him. Once this pattern is established it's incredibly hard to break out of.

MemorylikeDory Wed 13-Jun-18 07:16:16

Congratulations on your newborn OP.

I think it's totally normal to resent your partner after having a baby I know I did, as did lots of my friends. Our whole world has been turned upside down whilst seemingly, partners get to carry on with their day to day lives and like you said we can't even go to the toilet alone at times.
Even though my DH would say just tell me what you want me to do I remember thinking at the time I just wanted him to help without being asked and told what to do. I couldn't think straight for myself let alone two people.

Maybe start by agreeing some mornings where if you're not feeding DH can take baby for a couple of hours whilst you get some rest and the same for the evenings.

Also I suppose it's better that he is going in the mornings rather than spending the whole evening there.

MrsJamin Wed 13-Jun-18 07:20:40

There's no way he needs to go every day to the gym - it's actually pretty bad for you as your muscles don't have time to rest. Once a week isn't reasonable TBH. I would negotiate down to 3/4 times per week and that's it - especially if he's gone for 90 minutes. He sounds addicted and/or he's using it as an excuse to be by himself and have some peace. Did he go that often before the baby comes?

magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 07:22:10

Memorylikedory that's his reasoning, that if he goes In the mornings we have the evening together and I was on board I guess but feel so so angry today that he woke us and now I've thought about it I feel pretty angry that he's using time and energy on something other than us whilst I'm here absolutely exhausted with no time or energy for anything for myself!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Wed 13-Jun-18 07:23:39

Oh no don't let him get away with it or you'll be on here in 5 years with a toddler and a baby and he still won't be doing anything useful!

magpiemay Wed 13-Jun-18 07:24:34

DS just spit up on OH's pillow... AIBU to just leave that there?!

annandale Wed 13-Jun-18 07:25:48

Well, you are criticising him. That's not the end of the world. Best to approach this though by chucking his gym kit out if the window just saying that this stage is not going the way you expected, that it's very tough, you are going nearly out of your head and desperately need an hour's break a day on your own, and what does he suggest?

The usual next step would be for him to look after the baby so badly that you are genuinely scared for their welfare and drop the 'unreasonable' demands you are making. So I would just make it an hour at a time at first. But don't be afraid to walk away if hes talking, saying cheerfully 'my break now! You're the best love!, let's talk later!'

But tbh my SIL phoned me at 9am once for absoluteky no reason when ds was tiny 14 years ago after a dreadful night when we had both finally drifted off. I hated her then so much still not over it

flumpybear Wed 13-Jun-18 07:26:55

When he's home he would be doing 50% of the work - gym every day nearly is insane with a newborn and supporting your wife

Sleep thing I'd have lost my temper

follywalk Wed 13-Jun-18 07:29:56

His pillow, his problem smile

Juells Wed 13-Jun-18 07:34:23

Has he always gone to the gym every morning, or has it just started since you had the baby?

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