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To think MIL is cutting me out?

(20 Posts)
PandaCub Tue 12-Jun-18 21:09:09

We have family WhatsApp group which gets used a bit. My in laws do all their planning to see family, thank you for presents etc direct to my husband though and never to me, or even via the WhatsApp group.

But as I'm the one who buys all the ruddy presents and organises everything when they stay, seems a bit rude to assume he'll just relay stuff to me?

I know this is a serious case of 1st world problems.....but god it pisses me off!

Am I being a legitimate grump or a paranoid old git? I accept grump/ git status either way. grin

Hermitsunited Tue 12-Jun-18 21:28:03

I don't know, if it's just over saying thank you to your DH for things you have done I'd say maybe not. It could be a genuine thought that your DH could have bought presents etc. Maybe they don't know it's you doing to leg work?

Singlenotsingle Tue 12-Jun-18 21:37:36

Presumably you have a DM, and are probably very close to her? I'm sure that she would always contact you for family stuff, rather than your dh? Your mil feels the same - she is emotionally closer to her Ds, even if she loves you dearly. It's nothing personal, I'm sure. Sometimes when my DS contacts me on messenger, I know it was my Dil who asked him to get in touch. I don't mind. Whatever...

PandaCub Wed 13-Jun-18 02:33:33

Yep I think you're both right. Thanks.

Grasslands Wed 13-Jun-18 03:07:53

My dh frequently “closes” the what’s app group chat and has to contact our sil who set it up to open the conversation back up iykwim

MonsterKidz Wed 13-Jun-18 03:47:09

I have this EXACT same situation and I find it really hurtful. We live abroad from in laws so the WhatsApp group is perfet for sending over pics or updates on the children/our lives etc. It is always me who makes the time and effort to keep in touch with in-laws and video chat with them etc. it is widely accepted that DH isn’t very good with communication, is always busy at work etc. He completely loves this role as he therefore gets out of doing anything. It is widely acknowledged that I am the organiser.

But. When it comes to anything big, like organizing a visit or a holiday together I am completely left out! And all communication goes through DH.

I suppose the comments above are correct that they just feel closer to him, but I feel shunned when this happens. Like it’s ok for me to organise presents, prepare for when they visit and feed, clean and host when they are here, but I can’t be involved in a conversation about a vacation!! gRrr

Copperbonnet Wed 13-Jun-18 03:58:21

You may be the one that organised stuff but your PIL presumably aren’t necessarily aware of that?

If it seriously upsets you that you aren’t getting the credit then stop doing the present buying and organising. Hand it off to your DH.

TasteTheBloodyRainbow Wed 13-Jun-18 04:17:20

Same. And my in laws are perfectly aware that I do all of it.

To be honest, I've just stopped doing it. The final straw was MIL had an accident and I sent her flowers. Just to see what happened, I only put my name on the card, yet DH got a gushing message about what a 'wonderful son' he is hmm I got nothing ... it's easier just to stop doing stuff if you think they're excluding you on purpose! Saves a lot of time and energy.

MoonsAndJunes Wed 13-Jun-18 05:37:27

Get your DH to reply to any communication on the WhatsApp group regardless.
So, his parents text/WhatsApp him only & he sends his reply via the group or if that is too much of a faff, he could easily add you into the conversation each time.

Drchinnery Wed 13-Jun-18 05:47:01

This really wouldn't bother me. My husband was terrible for answering the phone so everything used to come through me and I got sick of it so stopped replying so they would stop! As for presents etc I also got fed up of taking the burden (My MIL is notorious for returning everything) so now he does that himself as well.

cafenoirbiscuit Wed 13-Jun-18 06:05:43

I'm right there with you. It used to bother me, but not now.
MIL phones DH on his mobile - she sounds appalled if I ever pick up the phone to her. DH never tells me what's going on, and hence I dont know if there's been a hospital admission, holiday, whatever. And after a staggering lack of enthusiasm for the gifts and cards I sent, that went to DH's 'to-do' list too.
I can understand you feeling cross, but this too shall pass.

summerinrome Wed 13-Jun-18 06:06:34

Stop buying doing it all. Stop the present giving and hand that job back to Dh and be glad that you don't have to bother with that much contact. Enjoy the liberation of being in the background. You can use the time doing something you actually enjoy.

NewYearNewMe18 Wed 13-Jun-18 06:12:48

So, when you get a present and its signed From Bob, Mary, Johnny, Tommy and Tinkerbelle , do you message all 5 of those people in that family unit individually or pass your thanks to the person you are closest to ie Bob because he's your brother, Mary because she's your best mate?

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 13-Jun-18 06:14:28

It’s a WhatsApp message. Very public and the perfect platform to publicly correct her. If it makes you feel better respond, “I’m so pleased you liked x present. I knew the moment I saw it”. Every time.

Taste grin
That’s shit. If these women are not called out, they easily become monster in laws (reference to the film). Think I’d have been tempted to respond to mil from his phone denying all knowledge. Your dh should have your back in this.

Juells Wed 13-Jun-18 06:37:40

it’s ok for me to organise presents, prepare for when they visit and feed, clean and host when they are here, but I can’t be involved in a conversation about a vacation!! gRrr

As others have said...stop bothering your arse to buy his presents for him.

OP, do your DH's parents actually use the whatsapp group? They may not - I don't use whatsapp.

Meredith501 Wed 13-Jun-18 06:47:25

I think it's natural for your mil to thank her son for presents. She probably assumes he organised them. Stop doing it for him!

I am amazed at the amount of women that maintain their husband's relationships with his family. It never occurred to me to do that for dh - he's not as close to his family as I am to mine but that's his choice, I don't step in on his behalf.

Juells Wed 13-Jun-18 06:59:17

It would never have occurred to me to buy presents or cards on my ex's behalf. confused Maybe that's why he's an ex grin

Stellarbella Wed 13-Jun-18 07:52:00

There are so many posts on here complaining about MILs only communicating and planning family events via their DILs rather than their actual sons, thereby increasing the ‘wife-work’ when really the son should be organising. I think your MIL is doing the right thing - it’s not your responsibility to organise family stuff. How should she know that her son won’t pass things on to you? It’s exactly what he should be doing

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens Wed 13-Jun-18 08:37:59

Just stop bothering. Take it off your list. Let him reply. I've done this and feels so much better!

PandaCub Wed 13-Jun-18 22:41:09

Lots of useful perspectives - thanks so much.

I did send a cheeky group WhatsApp to stay I hope she had a wonderful day and received our gift. I did get one back addressed to '<My name>, <dh name>, <childs name>' and 'thank you all very much'. Fair enough, it is a group gift but point very heavily laboured.

I do wonder why....I think she's definitely avoiding viewing me as central in family dynamic. No way to know I guess if this is a kind-of passive aggressive thing from her, or disappointment that her DIL vs son is doing much of the relationship building stuff with her. My instinct is that it's the former but in the end, all I can do is shrug it off. She's being a bit silly but she's basically a nice woman and I'm lucky she's my MIL (it could be so much worse!)

Good luck to the rest of you on this one too.

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