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Not inviting these ‘relatives’ to the wedding?

(22 Posts)
CoughLaughFart Tue 12-Jun-18 21:08:51

I’m going to be maid of honour for my oldest friend next year. She’d missed out on her dream wedding venue but did find another she and her fiancé both liked. However, they then got a call about a cancellation at their top choice, which they’ve very happily taken up. The only problem is that it’s slightly smaller than the second choice, so they’re having to be strict on numbers.

Friend goes and exactly tells her mum about the venue, including how the layout means all her extended family can sit together on one table of twelve. Her mum then questioned the number and, when friend went through the list she said ‘But what about Aimee and Jordan?’

My friend told me she honestly had to think for a moment who they were. Then she twigged - her cousin’s partner’s kids. He’s not married, but does live with her, as do the kids. My friend has met them about three times.

At first I thought they were small children who might be upset at missing out, but the daughter is about 20 and the son a teenager - essentially two adults. To invite them would mean cutting two others out. My friend said she doesn’t see the point in inviting them when they probably wouldn’t want to come anyway. However, her mother has laid on the whole ‘Well, I don’t know what I’ll say to your auntie’ guilt trip and has told her if the venue is that small, she should go with the second choice.

I’m inclined to agree with my friend. I can’t see the kids being offended; in fact if I’d been expected to travel 100 miles for a virtual stranger’s wedding at that age I’d have been groaning inside. I’ve only met her cousin a couple of times, but from what friend says he enjoys a good night out. I reckon a night away with his partner without the kids in tow would probably appeal rather than offend.

What would you do? Obviously it’s not my choice, but it doesn’t seem fair my friend having to compromise because her mum is worried it will cause offence (and not even to the uninvited people).

OverTheHedgeHammy Tue 12-Jun-18 21:13:12

Wouldn't invite them, and wouldn't lose a second's sleep over it.

But then I only invited one of my cousins (out of dozens) as she was my best friend growing up. I did invite all the aunts and uncles though. But siblings, their DC, aunts and uncles, and about a dozen friends came to over 100 for us.

I set a trend - all of the cousins started doing the same thing after that. But that's the perils of coming from a massive family.

user1493413286 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:16:58

I wouldn’t invite them and I wouldnt worry about it too much either. You have to have a cut off point somewhere and that would be too far. We didn’t even invite my husbands cousins let alone their adult kids

letsdolunch321 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:20:47

I totally agree in NOT inviting the youngsters. As another poster mentioned you have to stop somewhere.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 12-Jun-18 21:24:35

Of course she doesn’t need to invite them. And then probably not coming is a risky assumption. They might not want to them get pressured by auntie about what her mum will think!

It’s her wedding. Mum had hers years ago.

Leeds2 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:31:30

I don't see why your friend should invite these teens, or feel guilty for not doing so. She could maybe ask them at a later date (if she wanted) if she had any refusals.

Mammyloveswine Tue 12-Jun-18 21:33:14

We invited first cousins but not second.. we had no children apart from nephews. Had to draw a line somewhere!

CoughLaughFart Tue 12-Jun-18 23:03:02

Her mum is a lovely woman, but ‘What will they think?’ is her eternal mantra. It isn’t my place, but I kind of want to tell her to worry more about what her daughter thinks 😬

longlostpal Tue 12-Jun-18 23:06:01

Depends if her mum is paying for the wedding imo. I doubt leaving them out will cause too much offence though.

Singlenotsingle Tue 12-Jun-18 23:10:03

In general, youngsters aren't interested in weddings. You sit in a wedding venue, you hang around for ages while the photographer takes photos of the important people, you eat food that maybe youngsters don't like (What??? Not MaccyDs?) and you sit around making polite conversation with people you don't know!

CoughLaughFart Tue 12-Jun-18 23:36:57

Exactly what I think Single. It sounds like a 14 year-old boy’s idea of hell.

CoughLaughFart Tue 12-Jun-18 23:38:12

Depends if her mum is paying for the wedding imo.

I don’t see why. Surely parents pay for a wedding because they want to do it for their child; not in order to dictate the guest list.

choli Tue 12-Jun-18 23:42:39

I don’t see why. Surely parents pay for a wedding because they want to do it for their child; not in order to dictate the guest list.

In theory yes, but rarely in real life.

Fruitcorner123 Tue 12-Jun-18 23:47:56

It doesn't depend if they are paying. You don't get to decide the guest list if you pay. That's not how it works. She just needs to be firm and stand up for herself. Not taking up her favourite venue would be a decision she would regret.

If she is worried for the cousin's partner's children then she can ring the cousin and explain why they are not invited. I can't imagine anyone caring but if they do care this will minimise any offence caused. Given that lots of people don't even have small children of their best friends and relatives at their wedding I can't imagine her cousin is assuming they are invited!!

letsallhaveanap Wed 13-Jun-18 00:03:47

No dont invite them.
There will always be a family member who does the 'but what about auntie Mavis your second cousin twice removed who you met once in 1998... you MUST invite her or she will be offended!'
I got this with my wedding. My mum even tried to kick off about me not inviting an aunt who I had last seen when I was around 13 and who had sent me a load of drunken racist abuse on facebook once when I was in my twenties....
I just said 'no'

Its your wedding... invite people you actually know and genuinely want to be there... and have it in the place you really want it.
I seriously doubt these people the mum is worried about will be offended or even want to come.

pallisers Wed 13-Jun-18 00:10:17

Wouldn't invite them, and wouldn't lose a second's sleep over it.

this exactly.

And why on earth would a teen and a 20 year old want to go to the wedding of someone they have never met? I have kids that age and they'd rather be shot through a cannon.

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 13-Jun-18 00:12:25


Ex and I didnt invite some of his blood relatives to our wedding, on the basis that he couldnt have picked them out in a line up. Ex's mum was disgusted until she found out that one of the cousins we said we werent inviting, hadnt invited her to their wedding. Then it became "Well you're right to not invite them.....if we arent good enough for their wedding...." grin

CoughLaughFart Wed 13-Jun-18 00:18:39

And why on earth would a teen and a 20 year old want to go to the wedding of someone they have never met? I have kids that age and they'd rather be shot through a cannon.

Exactly what I think. They won’t want to go, the cousin and his partner won’t be that fussed (and won’t have to pay for an extra hotel room). I wasn’t there for the original conversation, but I think it’s interesting that my friend’s mum said ‘What will I tell you auntie?’ rather than ‘Your cousin will be upset’.

Italiangreyhound Wed 13-Jun-18 01:28:27

Who is paying? At the end of the day if the venue cannot squeeze two extra chairs in then it must be tiny. Sitting on one big table of 12 is no different to sitting on two tables of six, you can only speak to those close to you anyway.

If you friend is paying I would just say no to mum. but if Mum is paying then I' say invite them but stress you know they may not be interested!

Frenchmom Wed 13-Jun-18 07:38:14

My goddaughter is getting married in September 2019. My children will then be 19,17 and 14. I don’t expect her to invite them. They don’t know each other very well, and it is another three adult spaces.

TheActualRealCinderella Wed 13-Jun-18 07:48:56

Don’t invite them but do explain to their mother and her partner that it’s for reasons to do with space and not because they are ‘step’ or not married or anything like that.

Make sure the message is delivered directly and not ‘passed on’.

Piffle11 Wed 13-Jun-18 09:34:17

Don't invite them. They probably wouldn't want to go anyway. When now DH and I were getting married MIL and her OH (not FIL) gave us a list of nearly 60 names they wanted inviting … our venue only held 85!! There was about 12 people who neither of us had heard of - these were the OH's 'friends from the pub'. Why on earth would we want them there?? A line has to be drawn somewhere.

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