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What goes through a ghosters mind?

(67 Posts)
Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 15:53:30

Just that really. I can understand why people ghost very early on after a date or two (although I don’t agree with it if you’ve met up with someone in person) but what goes through someone’s head when they ghost after a year? As in making plans for the future min person one day and poof, vanished into thin air the next?

This happened to me with an avoidant control freak who looking back wanted sex /company when it suited with someone he cared about (but didn’t want to commit to) whilst having feelings for someone else who is now on the scene. It drives me mad having unanswered questions, I can’t switch it off. What triggers someone to be fine one day and disappear the next? What goes through their mind when they see and ignore texts asking what is going on? Do they feel bad not replying when it’s clear the other person is confused and hurting? Do they get a kick out of that or just feel indifferent to the person?

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 15:54:34

Argh, auto correct has changed sentence two. Sorry.

lubeybooby Tue 12-Jun-18 15:58:49

I have ghosted before when it's too awkward and exhausting to extricate myself from a situation. It's like, just not having the mental energy left to deal with it. For me I think related to overwork, slight depression and not enough of me to go around.

With hindsight just having the conversation would have been the thing to do but at the time couldn't see the wood for the trees.

JaneyEJones Tue 12-Jun-18 16:01:44

They are just able to compartmentalise and draw a line. I don't think they feel bad or care.

People do this in friendships too, one of the parents I was friendly with in the playground at primary pick ups was hurt and bewildered when a long term friend of hers just stopped returning her calls when there'd been no fall out. People can be weird.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:03:57

What goes through a ghoster's mind is what always do: themselves

I have ghosted and been ghosted and when I have (not proud of it, am stopping it or at least addressing it when dating) - it's pretty much a feeling of 'cant be arsed.' There's like a mental block around dealing with it and the hope is if you ignore it it goes away

Often it can happen inadvertently, you just can't be bothered so life takes over and before you know it's months!

Anyway, it's shabby behaviour and I have learnt from being on both sides of it. You're just not interested, you don't really care, so you don't make an effort. It's callous and rude and I have suffered when it happens to me

The thing is, courtesy takes a minute to text 'sorry, don't think it'll work out but thank you' and it's self absorption that keeps a ghoster ghosting

ShovingLeopard Tue 12-Jun-18 16:05:23

Your key word was 'avoidant'. They avoid intimacy and commitment (this will be because of early attachment issues, most likely), and then they avoid having to deal with your upset, disappointment etc (and the realisation that they have caused it) when they get too anxious/bored to continue the relationship. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them about.

Sorry you are gojng through this, OP.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:06:38

I think another point to reiterate (sorry for the typos) is that a ghost is just not thinking about you in terms you want to be thought about, so they're not worth any energy

Whether it's texting them or calling in hope or worrying about what you've done wrong. You're hardly on their radar. Saving your mental energy and cutting them off without feeling too tortured is important. If they cared at all they'd be in contact

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:13:48

I can see that he’d have known I’d be upset during a discussion but that’s no reason to not be an adult, explain things and move on. He was very attentive and making plans for “us” in the lead up to the disappearance to the point I thought that finally he was getting ready for a proper relationship with commitment. What hurt so much was that my messages were received but left unopened and I wasn’t blocked. What’s the point of that? Did he enjoy me chasing wondering wtf was going on? Why not read and block? It’s like I’ve never existed to him.

BillowingFluffs Tue 12-Jun-18 16:21:04

I have ghosted twice before when I found that my words weren't getting through to the people involved.

The first was my ex boyfriend who wouldn't accept that I was ending it with him. He wouldn't change his controlling behaviour towards me and I gave him chance after chance but in the end I decided to end the relationship. We had a number of conversations where I told him it was over, he cried and then went into denial and continued acting as if we were still together. In the end I felt like I had to disappear and not respond to texts as he wasn't listening to my words. I know it was hurtful for him and I did feel horrible doing it but I wasn't sure how else to get the message across.

The second was a close childhood friend who became very jealous of me and my siblings and said some absolutely horrible things to us. She also had sex in my bed with someone she'd picked up as well as a huge number of other issues. I spoke to her about her hurtful/nasty behaviour, my siblings spoke of their hurt, this went on over a number of years and every time we spoke to her she would cry, say she was sorry but then revert back to that behaviour in a short space of time. In the end she lied about something really dreadful and I had had enough by that point so stopped communicating with her. I'm very sad about it as our friendship goes back 32 years but I got to a point where it was so exhausting having these conversations with someone who doesn't really listen to what you're saying that in the end it was easier to stop responding to her.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:22:55

@Icantseeyou Men like that love to promise and can even do so with hand on heart certainty and change their minds after without a quibble. He just isn't serious or interested otherwise he wouldn't be pulling a fast one

I'm sorry that it happened - I have met many a man like that. I'm sorry that you know have to negotiate your hurt feelings & crushed hopes of what could be. He isn't for you. You want a man who keeps to his word and is ready for a relationship and he is scared and cowardly

He is not going to show up for that mutual, loving, caring relationship you crave

Wanting someone who doesn't want you is counterproductive, he has shown his cowardly colours

I recommend reading Baggage Reclaim about future fakers, fast forwarders & emotionally unavailable assclowns - always helps me

sonjadog Tue 12-Jun-18 16:23:25

I´m not sure it is a deliberate action. I think it is more that you don't have the energy or drive to make contact and then time goes and suddenly it is really long time since you last spoke and it would be awkward to do anything about it now, and so you end up ghosting someone.

NewYearNewMe18 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:24:42

Some people don't like confrontation; I've stepped away from people before, usually when they are just too needy, intense, or emotionally draining. I'm certainly never going to be an in-your-face-tell-it-like-it-is type and deliberately stick the knife in and tell someone their personality defects. It's far easier to just step away. What I would say is if you find you are a person who is habitually ghosted, take a look at your own personality traits and have a think why.

Actually I think that also applies to people who fall out with their entire family, friends, colleagues etc, it's you, not them, you are the common denominator.

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:24:50

ShovingLeopard, I read about avoidant personalities and he fitted the criteria perfectly right down to the strategies he’d use to cool things down whenever he felt too involved but wanted to keep a connection. This avoidant side of his personality appeared about six weeks in, up until then he’d behaved perfectly.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:25:16

And please don't blame yourself or think it's all you. I have been on all the apps and sites and I kissed one prince and about a hundred frogs (some were just pecks in the cheek). I'm single again, turning 28 & not much fancying the idea of dipping a toe into OLD where these bottom feeders and ghosts live

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:30:49

I ended it once with him after I found out he was lying to me about another woman. He charmed me back and insisted there was nothing in it. It then turned out they were still in contact. I can see I went along with the situation thinking he’d pick me if I waited things out. I can’t see any situation where I’ve hassled him to be with me or behaved badly towards him, in fact I’ve been a total push over throughout I’m ashamed to say.

Mousefunky Tue 12-Jun-18 16:33:26

Agreed with PP that it is a feeling of can’t be arsed. I have ghosted toxic people before because I knew what the repercussions of explaining myself would be and I just couldn’t be arsed. It really is as simple as that. It was easier to block and forget about it. I haven’t done it after as long as a year though.

NukaColaGirl Tue 12-Jun-18 16:36:36

ExH ghosted me at 28 weeks pregnant with a very much planned baby.

3 years later and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.

He was financially and emotionally abusive with alcohol issues though... So a blessing in disguise in the long run.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:38:15

Sounds like you have some good insight into how both you and he acted which will only help going forward

The pick me dance never works out, does it? Yet it can be so tempting

And him being in touch with another woman and lying is worse even than ghosting, let that man go! As far away as possible

Re being a push over, I think women especially need to unlearn it as a habit that has been taught to us since youth. Hopefully some lessons from this take root so you can bin rubbish men quicker next time. No decent relationship came from waiting around for a man to come to his senses, I know it from bitter experience

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:41:52

Sonjadog, I spent the evening with him. Made plans. I went home, texted him to say i was back safely and his last words were “look forward to chatting tomorrow, hope you have sweet dreams with me naked in them, nighty night ”. I messaged at breakfast and it was not opened. He’s done this before for a few days then come back with a plausible excuse so I messaged a normal message again two days later. Three more messages asking what was going on and how I was hurt etc were all left unopened over the space of two and a half weeks.

That’s what is so hard to understand. He’d obviously decided to disappear when my messages were unopened the next morning so why meet up with me as normal the night before?

changemymindabouttrump Tue 12-Jun-18 16:44:25

I ghost sometimes. When I just can't be bothered with an explanation or I don't think they'll handle the explanation like an adult.

I've been ghosted too - karma probably. I usually send a message saying "it appears you've ghosted me, that's not a problem, love to know why sometime but if not - all the best!" I've had apologetic truthful replies sometimes which usually have helped me understand. The most common one is that an ex comes back on the scene for them.

AsleepAllDay Tue 12-Jun-18 16:45:59

Aww I'm sorry this happened sad you can think in circles round and round but you're never going to get the answer you're wanting

And the apology tied to it that you probably also want deep down, the confirmation that actually you are okay and good and worthy of love

He just isn't capable of even the most basic politeness, let alone being kind to you and moving your relationship on

You'll never know WHY beyond the fact that he's thoughtless, doesn't care about your feelings and can't be fucked either way. He's just a waste of space at this point, and that's why

Whatshallidonowpeople Tue 12-Jun-18 16:46:39

As a previous ghoster I can tell you it's because it's easier. Just block them and move on. Yes, it's cowardly but sometimes they won't accept it and persuade the ghoster to give it another try and that's just a waste of time.

SoapOnARoap Tue 12-Jun-18 16:47:42

I’ve ghosted before. Only when the other person was such hard work & I just knew they wouldn’t listen

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:49:22

New year, it’s never happened before with anyone which is why it has hit me so hard. I can imagine the conversation would be draining as I had strong feelings for him and it would hurt knowing he was ending things to be with someone else. But that’s surely better than just running away and trying to pretend the last year of meeting up, dates, sex, chats, daily messaging for hours didn’t exist. Lack of closure is really bothering me. I know his silence is closure but it doesn’t quieten down my questions.

Icantseeyou Tue 12-Jun-18 16:52:29

Mousefunky, you say you’ve ghosted toxic people? Surely i wouldn’t be viewed as toxic in this situation? I literally went to bed thinking the man I’d been seeing for over a year seemed to be finally wanting to make long term plans to let me be part of his life and woke up to him refusing to open messages or answer his phone.

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