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What to do when Ex lies about you

(45 Posts)
DreamsAndGoals Tue 12-Jun-18 10:10:07

Just that really. I’ve namechangrd because this is very outing. Basically I’m separating from my stbexh, he is EA, lazy and a big man child. Because he had emotionally abused me for years, never helped me around the house or with the DCs. Never cared when I was ill or just given birth, still had to do everything. He couldn’t hold a job and would rather lay in bed all day play games on his phone then help out with the DCs/house. Because of all this, I have lost all respect and love for him. I’m exhausted.

2 years ago we went to see my mum, my family are very academic, we spoke about education and if I wanted to go back and study, what I wanted to study, how I would do it etc. Ex didn’t like this and he felt they were pressuring me into doing things, and he got angry started arguing with my family, then stormed off. He felt like “they were trying to change our lives”, 6 months ago I told him I wanted a divorce. Breaking point was when I was ill one day, and I begged him to help me with the DCs, he refused and lay there in bed watching YouTube videos, and I had to run around like a headless chicken trying to take care of the house and the kids.

Anyway now he’s going around telling his friends and family and everyone that wants to listen to him, that the reason why we’re separating is because of my family, my mum ruined our marriage because she encouraged me to go study/work.

When the reality is I’ve always wanted to work, but every time I find a job I like he will always find a reason why I can’t apply for that job. Even before we went to see my mum, I spoke to him about going back to uni and he said I wasn’t thinking of the children and I was being selfish. My DCs are primary school age btw.

I’m just upset that he’s telling everyone my mum is the reason why our marriage broke down, and not the fact that I’ve had enough of his abusive man child behaviour and doing everything on my own. I’ve realised over the years that he never wanted me to succeed in life, or have anything for myself. He just wants me to be a SAHM and just look after the children. It’s like he’s intimidated or something. I’ve always been very ambitious.

How should I deal with this? A part of me just gonna go and tell these people the real reason.

Whatshallidonowpeople Tue 12-Jun-18 10:14:47

Nothing. Rise above it and next time don't have children with someone like this. It's child cruelty

anotherangel2 Tue 12-Jun-18 10:20:38

Nothing. I suspect most people will see through it or they and there opinions just don’t matter. Just be happy that you are not longer with him.

If people raise it with you then you could say yes ex was unhappy that my parents were supporting me to following my ambition because he did not want to have to parent because he was rather do x, y, x all day.

NewYearNewMe18 Tue 12-Jun-18 10:23:00

That is how he sees things though. In his mind that is the truth.

Not meaning to knock you when you're down, what did you ever see in someone, well, with no aspiration's?

HollowTalk Tue 12-Jun-18 10:25:44

Your mum sounds great. University is a great choice when you have school age children - she knows you well, can see you're intelligent and ambitious and is offering you options that your dickhead husband just isn't.

What on earth attracted you to this guy?

BottleOfJameson Tue 12-Jun-18 10:27:22

Nothing, people will see through him. Be the bigger person.

Karigan198 Tue 12-Jun-18 10:28:17

You do nothing. Mine spread dreadful lies about me and I lost friends because of it. But your strongest reaction right now is no reaction. Just rise above it.

AbsolutelyBeginning Tue 12-Jun-18 10:29:18

Anyway now he’s going around telling his friends and family and everyone that wants to listen to him

That's just it. These are the people who want to listen to him. There's nothing to be done about that.

Remember the old adages - Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter and Never complain and never explain

YOUR friends and family know the real score. There is nothing else.

As the years go by and you have a great life carved out for yourself and the kids and he continues to be a lazy bum...well, it will all become apparent as to who was pulling their weight and who wasn't.

I can see how you'd get pissed off at the lies. It's maddening, but I'd spent that mental energy on your studies and your lovely new life.

chitofftheshovel Tue 12-Jun-18 10:29:28

As others have said do nothing, except I suppose hold your head up high.
My boyfriend has a theory that the party in the wrong is always the first to go blabbering...since he pointed it out I've seen it happen lots.
People will see through it. And if they don't I would say it says a lot about them.

Porridgeprincess Tue 12-Jun-18 10:30:02

I am sure anyone who knows you and him will know what a lazy bastard he was and even if they do believe his lies, they will probably think your mam did you a massive favour.

FTRT Tue 12-Jun-18 10:33:13

Why does it mater so much, what he says or doesn't say?

Hermitsunited Tue 12-Jun-18 10:33:34

Are you me? My ex though we weren't married was exactly the same. He never took the blame for a thing, never and still doesn't work and never helped me round the house. I left him because I had enough but he told everyone it's because my family hates him. They do but it didn't matter.
Just ignore him, anyone who knows him and knows you will know the truth and anyone else is of little concern

AbsolutelyBeginning Tue 12-Jun-18 10:36:05

This large excerpt is from the following fantastic site:-

The person who sets you up or spreads untruths after a breakup wants to

Control who is in touch with you and in fact, sever ties. If they run the risk of you all talking and even comparing notes not just on your own relationship but their past ones, you (and they) will figure out what’s up. They want to preserve a certain image.

Stay deluded and avoid responsibility. Some people always give themselves and others very similar reasons for their breakups.

Save face. Some people overestimate their capacity for a relationship or oversell things and Future Fake. Rather than say, I talked out of my bottom a little too much and got carried away, it’s easier to generate a different ending to things. Unfortunately they don’t learn from the experience and so lack the self-awareness needed to see their actions for what they are.

Keep the harem intact. They may have a bunch of sycophants who value being in the lair so much, they’ll believe anything. If your ex is narcissistically inclined, they’ll be very charming and manipulative but they will also have harem members who will be too damn scared to rock the boat by questioning the claims.

Control you. They discard you, mess with your head, and next thing you know, you’re looking for validation from them and you’re at their disposal because you’ve inadvertently become complicit in their deception by still wanting them despite their shoddy behaviour.

People who don’t fabricate reasons to support their decision to break up – it’s making a decision back to front – or who don’t go around spinning stories so that they can make a fresh start and create a vacuum for their next target (while also ensuring that they avoid the truth about their actions as well as their own part in the relationship), cannot for the life of them fathom why somebody would do this.

Of course what you would do and what another would do – and that includes someone who you had romantic feelings for – are two very different things and that’s a kicker too. We don’t like to think that we loved someone who could be so immature, unkind, and even malicious.

As humans, we have a disposition to concern ourselves with what others think. It hurts when we do our best to be decent people, to love and care generously (sometimes too much so), only for that to be mistaken for weakness and treated like this bad thing that makes us tricky to offload. It makes us feel like fools (we’re not and their actions aren’t our fault either).

A good chunk of the pain felt is around that lack of control over what people think. We feel frustrated, angry and wounded because we don’t feel that we have a right of reply. Even if we speak up, it may just make the situation worse, after all, if these people have decided to believe this stuff, they may decide that us sticking up for ourselves is us trying to convince and convert.

You might be tempted to engage in some reputation management if you have mutual friends or if they’ve gone so far as to say things to your family or coworkers (beyond unacceptable) but you will potentially end up fighting to preserve your image of you with people who won’t matter to your world in a matter of months never mind years plus you will end up fighting to correct an image of a relationship that’s over. You will be trying to control the uncontrollable. The main image that you need to correct is of your ex. It doesn’t change that you enjoyed good times together but they have unfolded in a way that shows traits that don’t make them the loyal, loving, caring, respectful, trustworthy person that you deserve to be with. They’re showing you that it’s the right thing that you’ve broken up.

Some people will surprise you by being taken in by this crap and that will hurt but it’s best to know where you stand. Say your piece once if needed and then let the chips fall where they may. I do suggest however that if your ex is being particularly malicious, that you note any and all attempts to make contact with you (don’t tell them obviously) because it’s evidence of their lies and manipulations. But don’t devote too much time to them because you have a life to live…without them.

The best rebuttal in this situation is to live your life well instead of hiding away or devoting your life to defending and convincing this person or their homies (or cronies). It doesn’t mean that they’ve ‘gotten away with it’ – you cannot force feed your ex or their ‘audience’ the true version of events. Trust that their actions will manifest themselves in their lives in some way and go about your business, probably with your teeth gritted at first.

cees Tue 12-Jun-18 10:40:46

To his face people will just nod and look sympathetic but what they are truly seeing is a mother helping her daughter go to school, get a good job and look after her children. So let him go around telling people how awful your mum is for encouraging you to get back to education , anyone with half a brain cell will see that as a good thing and him as a fool.

teenagerparent Tue 12-Jun-18 10:42:59

Unless his friends/family are backwards too, then him telling them your mum encouraging you to better yourself was wrong is making it more obvious what the problem actually was!

I'm going through something similar but in my case my STBXH ( who had an affair and I kicked him out for ) is now telling people all the stuff I have meant to have done. Its laughable, but I don't care what his family think of me and everyone else is rolling their eyes at it.

Piffle11 Tue 12-Jun-18 10:57:05

Your ex sounds like my ex! We worked together and when I decided to look for a job somewhere else he got very emotionally abusive - he knew he wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me anymore (not that I was up to anything!) He was vile and I was drained and depressed, but eventually I mustered up the energy to leave him. He then went around telling colleagues (cos he had no friends) that I had left him because I had been having an affair (I wish) and that I was trying to rip him off regarding the house and contents (he came out of it VERY well). I laughed it off and just told a couple of people - the ones I knew would pass it on - that this was untrue and that he was possessive, paranoid and cruel. My ex-DH also told his family that I had become distant and a nag: the truth was that he wasn't working, had made no attempt to work, was spending the money I made, and was having an affair. I think some people aren't capable of looking at their own behaviour: both my exes refused to acknowledge any responsibility. My ex boyfriend wasn't particularly liked at work, and had this weird way of going on - if he sensed you didn't like him then he would go out of his way to make you feel sorry for him, like he'd rather be pitied than ignored or disliked. The way to look at it is that you've got away from him. You know he's lying, those who care for you know he's lying. Forget him, don't give him the satisfaction of affecting your life.

JellyBears Tue 12-Jun-18 11:00:43

They probably already know what he’s like. He’s a Lazy selfish man and people close to you will of already picked up on that.

ScabbyHorse Tue 12-Jun-18 11:12:19

That's really shocking that when you were ill he refused to take responsibility. Awful behaviour. AbsolutelyBeginning's post is spot on.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 12-Jun-18 11:18:09

You just give a smile and say 'I believe the phrase is... well he would say that, wouldn't he?'

People always know more than you think they do.

Anyone who knows you both has very likely seen you both together and seen the interaction. So they'll have a good idea that no, you probably aren't throwing away a wonderful future with a loving caring supportive man...

Also, people are generally quite sensible. They'll know that people don't call time for nothing.

Those that will believe him won't do so because they're taken in, they'll do so because they want to support him over you - his family, his friends. So it doesn't matter, because they would have supported him over you regardles of the crazy stories.

You'll be fine, congratulations on ditching the manchild!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 12-Jun-18 11:23:00

You have school age kids, no disabilities and currently neither of you are working?

Personally if your ex said that to me I’d think “well of course at least one of you needs to study or work. What sort of lazy pointless person are you?”

Babyblade Tue 12-Jun-18 11:24:02

Anyone who believes his shit isn't worth knowing.

Anyone else who hears it is going to dismiss him as a fool and realise it's a smokescreen - nobody is going to blame you for wanting to work and educate/improve yourself and life for your DC.

Bluebell9 Tue 12-Jun-18 11:27:05

As PP said, rise above it. The best way to to laugh it off at how pathetic he is.

DPs ExW did similar, she had an affair but has twisted it so she is the victim and has even told the DCs that the person she had the affair with was at fault. The DC dont know about the affair but they have been told that OM tried to kiss their DM so thats why they dont speak anymore!
DP doesnt say anything about it when the DC relay all of this to us, although he doesnt think his ExW should be discussing stuff like that with them (both under 8).

MargoLovebutter Tue 12-Jun-18 11:31:28

Carry on being your amazing self. If there are people who believe his shit, they are not your friends and you don't want to know them.

DreamsAndGoals Tue 12-Jun-18 13:32:34

Thank you do much for you replies. I know, my mum asked me the same thing. What attracted me to him? Well I was 20, young and dumb. No experience with men, and he sold me dreams. He loves to talk and is very convincing, every time I told i had enough, he would always promise to change etc.

But he will never change, and you're right. I should just ignore it, someone once told me " the best revenge is a life well lived", I love that quote! I'm just gonna focus on myself, but it does hurt. It really hurts, when you know the truth and all these people believe him. Funny enough, "these people" are only his family and friends. So of course, they will believe him over me. But sadly enough his mum once told me most women wouldn't put up with him. She said that one day when she came round, and he was out with his mates and let me to look after the kids. He's met someone online recently, and I'm just like, god help you because you don't know what's coming.

AbsolutelyBeginning Tue 12-Jun-18 14:39:07

But sadly enough his mum once told me most women wouldn't put up with him

So you see, there's a perfect example of one of "his" people who kind of has to be on his side, but you know they are not really. They see what's going on. It's just that his Mum is sort of stuck with him, whereas you are not grin

Well done on getting out star

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