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To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

(184 Posts)
bluedabadeedabadoo Tue 12-Jun-18 00:12:50

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

Wavescrashingonthebeach Tue 12-Jun-18 00:20:15

Sorry if this sounds really blunt but I would get rid of him. If you are naturally insecure then behaviour like this is going to make it a million times worse.
Fair enough people should get to know each other before meeting f&f but after this long.. no just no.. seen it & heard it all before with friends & on here.
Please get rid & be happy by yourself until you meet someone who will be proud to show you off to their friends x

Medea13 Tue 12-Jun-18 00:20:41

You are allowed to feel upset but I'm not sure you should. His reasons, just from what you've written here, seem sensible/plausible. It sounds like he does care about you and that, just as much as you feel he is "keeping you at arm's length", you seem to be doing the same to him by not explaining your own feelings ("i didn't go into details").
Perhaps you should be open about your feelings and he may follow your lead.

Jonbb Tue 12-Jun-18 00:22:55

After a year I would expect to have met his friends and family. Ask yourself why is he keeping you apart. He just isn't that into you.

Wavescrashingonthebeach Tue 12-Jun-18 00:26:31

medea im sorry i disagree.. she could have extremely personal issues she is working through why she is insecure.
He is playing classic textbook fuckboy behaviour. All talk no words. Keep at arms length so he can have u on a string at his beck & call.
After this length of time, you should have been introduced to people its as simple as that.

Wavescrashingonthebeach Tue 12-Jun-18 00:29:56

All talk no action i mean.. time for me i think!
He is saying he wants a relationship but he 100% is not acting like he is one.
At best, he is not that into you. At worst, he has at least one other girl he is filling with his bullshit and they dont meet his mates so they dont find out about each other. Trust me, its VERY common.
Either way, its not fair on you.
Do yourself a favour & get rid x

lindalee3 Tue 12-Jun-18 00:31:11

He is not that into you.

Sorry.

LTB you deserve better.

Motoko Tue 12-Jun-18 00:33:48

It sounds like you jave good reason to be suspicious of him. Why haven't you met his friends and family long before now? What excuses has he given? When do you see him/how often? Have you been to his place, or does he always come to yours?

My first thought is that he's married or living with someone, and you're his bit on the side.

RideOn Tue 12-Jun-18 00:34:49

I think after a year you should know his friends, if not he should be encouraging times for you to meet them and this seems like a perfect chance. Is he still thinking he will go?
Were you as insecure before you met him?
YANBU
What kind of event is it?

AnnieAnoniMouser Tue 12-Jun-18 01:01:07

disjointed

Huge dollop of bullshit.

A year and you haven’t met his friends...he’s seeing someone, possibly in a ltr already.

Words are cheap, actions speak volumes.

Walk away now.

Gatecrasher61 Tue 12-Jun-18 06:22:01

It is his behaviour that make you feel insecure.

Think about why he doesn't want you to meet his friends and family.

Then get rid. You deserve better.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast Tue 12-Jun-18 06:26:05

Not met hid mates after a year? He's treating you like shit, dont lower yourself to his level. You are worth much better than this. Move on and find a man who will be proud to show you off and treat you better! X

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 12-Jun-18 06:33:34

He doesn’t sound very nice at all. Why are you with him?

thebewilderness Tue 12-Jun-18 06:37:32

You feel like he is keeping you out of his life because he is keeping you out of his life.
If he has not figured out a way to integrate you into his life after a year I suggest that you need to remove him from yours.

iloveruby Tue 12-Jun-18 06:38:39

This sort of behaviour will be making your insecurity worse. When someone wants to be with you then they won’t give you any reason to doubt their intentions.
Trust your gut and don’t be allowed to think that this is some how all in your head.

I had a boyfriend like this and it left me so confused - he said the right things but it always felt like he kept me compartmentalised - in a box without actually being part of his life in any meaningful way.

I bet that your insecurity would improve without him in your life.

PenelopeFlintstone Tue 12-Jun-18 06:39:39

He's no good. Ditch him and find someone who values you. I think you should surprise him and dump him before he dumps you. What a shock that will be for the cocky so-and-so!!

BlondeB83 Tue 12-Jun-18 06:44:10

He sounds awful!!

DianaT1969 Tue 12-Jun-18 06:45:40

Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length

Why would you text about something like this? I suggest that you have these types of discussions face to face in future relationships.

OrchidInTheSun Tue 12-Jun-18 06:50:37

You're not in a relationship with someone if you've been with them for a year and you've never met their friends and family.

You're a booty call/other woman

flippyfloppyflower Tue 12-Jun-18 06:55:59

I have never written this before but LTB. I am so sorry but from what you have said he is just using you - to never have met his friends and family after a year is so telling. You are effectively a "bit on the side" (and I swear I am not saying that to be cruel).

You are worth so much better so ditch him.

Everywhereilookaround Tue 12-Jun-18 06:59:21

Someone who really loves you wouldn't keep you separate from the rest of their lives for a year. Walk away and find someone who deserves you. Ps ... insecurity I'm not surprised! Who wouldn't be held at arms length for so long...that's not your fault you are responding to his lack of care for the relationship. Move on. Life is too short to be messed about like that.

MrsMint Tue 12-Jun-18 07:00:02

Sorry to be blunt; it looks like he is just making excuses; he doesn't want you there for some reason. A party IS the perfect place to introduce people and parties are naturally 'disjointed' as he puts it. If it were me I'd get rid and find someone who can't wait to introduce you to all his friends.

bonnyshide Tue 12-Jun-18 07:04:49

I think your insecurities and frequent need for reassurance has driven him away, he is unsure about the relationship and doesn't want to introduce you to his friends.

I'd leave him now, this relationship doesn't have 'legs'. If he was that crazy about you, he would've introduced you to his friends a long time ago.

Take some time to work on your own self esteem, you don't deserve to be second guessing yourself and wondering what your partner feels.

IrregularCommentary Tue 12-Jun-18 07:05:00

Sorry, but if you've not even met his friends at this stage then he's (at best) not that into you.

Beaverhausen Tue 12-Jun-18 07:10:30

Hi OP after a year you should have met his friends by now no matter how distorted an occasion will be.

If you are not being secure in your relationship and he is not going that extra mile to make you secure it is best you cut your losses no matter how heartbreaking it will be and find someone who will.

This is not going to end well for you but the choice is yours at the end of the day and my gut instinct is you will stick it out, no matter how badly you are being treated. And this kind of behaviour from him after a year is really bad.

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