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FIL comments about son's DLA

(157 Posts)
WWYDNameChange Sat 09-Jun-18 14:31:48

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

WWYDNameChange Sat 09-Jun-18 14:36:08

Argh! No paragraphs for mobile users! I'm sorry 😭

Princess9891 Sat 09-Jun-18 14:38:30

What a horrible man! Let's hope he never has to 'depend' on the tax payer eh!

MiggledyHiggins Sat 09-Jun-18 14:42:22

He's a cunt. Maybe ask him when he needs elderly care will he fund all his medical and care costs himself rather than be a leech on taxpayers as he sees it.

Candlelight123 Sat 09-Jun-18 14:43:28

Is he intending on claiming a state pension ? Taxes are paying for that. Does he use any NHS services? Taxes are paying for that. Did he have a state education ? You get the idea.
I wouldn't go and visit if I was you, he sounds horrible. To answer your question, decent people don't think like this and wouldn't begrudge your son the benefits to which he is entitled flowers

9amTrain Sat 09-Jun-18 14:45:08

Tell him to piss the fuck off. Cunt.

Piffle11 Sat 09-Jun-18 14:46:39

No decent person would resent you getting financial help for your DS. FIL clearly is not a decent person. I'm kind of in the same situation myself: DS on higher rate for care and mobility. In our case my DParents and MIL and her OH (not my DH's DF) seem to not give a stuff about DS, despite their protestations. We hardly see any of them and I prefer it that way. MIL's OH has DGC of his own and is always going on about how fantastic they are and their achievements: right now I'd be happy if I could get DS to stop weeing on the floor. I would say something to your DH, and if ANYTHING is said that you perceive to be a dig, call him out on it. Let him know you won't tolerate it. I wish I'd done this with all GParents: I thought 'oh don't say anything and keep the peace' but it has ended up exploding on several occasions, and now we rarely see my ILs and I have a lot of resentment towards my DParents. Good luck to you and your family x

Singlenotsingle Sat 09-Jun-18 14:48:14

Shame DH told him! You need to keep your private life and finances private.

WWYDNameChange Sat 09-Jun-18 14:49:55

@Piffle11 I feel you there! Five times the electrics have been tripped in the last 24 hours by DS magically finding liquids and pouring them over plugs. It's exhausting!

And thank you to everyone else, there seems to be two threads going, MN is really not working for me today haha

UnicornsandRainbows1 Sat 09-Jun-18 14:52:37

Firstly, I'm really happy for your family to get this far, it must seem such a relief to be able to move forward and make tasks a bit easier.

Secondly, your FIL needs to pipe down and support you guys. Even if taxes are paid for it, surely that's a cause worth funding! I guess he's got a load of back up money saved for when he's older then so he can pay for all his expensive himself, yeah?

I don't have much advice but no one should have to take that tbh

Judashascomeintosomemoney Sat 09-Jun-18 14:53:04

*Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel?*
No, not people, just wankers.
Sorry about the diagnosis for your son but happy for the relief you now have gained knowing you can afford the things you need to make your, and his, life a little bit easier flowers

krustykittens Sat 09-Jun-18 14:54:24

He's a wanker. Stop telling him your business and including him so much in your lives, he does not have your best interests at heart. And please claim what you are entitled to. I am a tax payer and this is exactly the kind of thing I want my taxes spent on.

alittlequinnie Sat 09-Jun-18 14:55:03

I work in an area of law which involves a lot of disabled people and compensation.

Loads of people complain about awards and benefits that people can claim.

DLA is a massively important non means tested benefit - put in place to help with things that a disabled person can't do, such as drive or clean their own house etc.

I always answer the same when people complain about it to me - I ask them if they would change places with the disabled person for the £145.10 a week?

Take no notice of him - ignorant idiot.

WittyJack Sat 09-Jun-18 14:55:17

No. Nobody with a brain or a heart would feel that way, OP.

What a shame you have to have someone so toxic in your lives.

Hoorah for the award - hope you are all able to reap benefits from it.

BlueJava Sat 09-Jun-18 14:55:45

I think you both need to work on keeping the PIL out of your business and finances. Even before I got to the part of what your FIL I said I was thinking "Why do they tell their parents all this stuff?" I'd cool things with them a bit and not see them so much, maybe once a month. However, when we did meet I'd be civil and ignore the stupid comments about tax payers' money etc and no I wouldn't say anything about these particular comments. The guy is clearly horrible and not worth your time and energy. Good luck and pleased you go the help you need.

Annabelle4 Sat 09-Jun-18 14:56:03

I'm speechless sad

Crunchymum Sat 09-Jun-18 14:57:42

I'm glad you've got the DLA sorted, we've just had the highest award for our 4 month old (obviously she doesn't get the mobility part). Whilst a relief on one hand, it just hammers home the fact we have a child with massive difficulties.

I do wonder why - given your FIL's general attitude - you decided to tell him? Sounds like he was always going to be a complete arse about it!!

Dobbythesockelf Sat 09-Jun-18 14:59:35

This is exactly the kind of thing most people want their taxes to pay for. Your fil sounds like a twat. Congratulations on the award.

WWYDNameChange Sat 09-Jun-18 15:02:03

@BlueJava you're absolutely right. I think because my parents are supportive and also have care of my disabled nephew we talk about these things quite a lot and share in each others highs and lows (plus, I help with all the paperwork!)
DH just wanted that same reaction from his parents, that they'd be happy for DS and how much this will help us. Also, if we turned up in a brand new car with no explanation he probably try and report us to HRMC or something 🙄

Sistersofmercy101 Sat 09-Jun-18 15:03:29

Fwiw OP I just wanted to say that my DO and I are both proud and glad to live in a country where financial assistance is available for children who have additional need and disabilities. We are staunch believers in the state payment for assistance for these children's additional financial needs and costs and we are both utterly furious that the system has become such a deliberate nightmare - parent carers of children with additional needs and disabilities have more than enough to cope with already and shouldn't be forced to divert their already stretched time and resources to navigate the complex system to access needed funds on behalf of their dependant children.
Anyone who judges you as your fil has done, is selfish to the point of cruelty and lacks both empathy, compassion and are exceptionally short sighted as any financial assistance you receive from the state is a drop in the ocean compared with the actual cost of raising a child and all the additional costs financially speaking that are needed for any additional needs or disabilities.
In short, you sound lovely, responsible caring dedicated and a wonderful parent to your children - your fil is a bigoted ignoramus who deserves to be cut off no contact for his hurtful crap! flowers

flopsyrabbit1 Sat 09-Jun-18 15:10:32

congratulations on tour son's award it sounds like it's gone to the right person and sounds like its really going to make things a tad bettter for you all

imo this is exactly what pip/dla was intended for and much needed

Fairylea Sat 09-Jun-18 15:11:03

He’s being horrible. Most decent people don’t think like this.

But I also think people don’t understand how severe autism can be. We have a son with severe autism who attends a specialist school 25 miles away and goes in a taxi everyday with an escort. (We get high rate dla like you). People have openly told me what an awful mum I am making my child travel so many miles to school etc - they don’t understand that that’s the only suitable school for him and actually as a child whose main interest is road signs (!) he’s actually really happy on the journey!

I have also found people have no idea that dla mobility isn’t just to do with physical ability to walk. My child walks and runs perfectly well but still qualifies for the mobility part of dla because he is severely mentally impaired. It’s the whole “hidden disabilities” thing again.

pointythings Sat 09-Jun-18 15:11:10

Nope, people don't feel that way. only twats like your FIL do. I for one am delighted that my taxes are paying for you to get the help you and your family deserve - that is what they are for. flowers

plominoagain Sat 09-Jun-18 15:12:06

You know what ? Tell him no, HIS taxes aren’t paying for it . Mine are . And I don’t begrudge you a penny . Not one . I do however begrudge paying him his pension , healthcare , winter fuel allowance , free tv licence later on , and his bus pass .

What a tosser . I’d far far rather be paying for your boy and people like him and their parents to have their life made that little bit easier .

flopsyrabbit1 Sat 09-Jun-18 15:13:09

if your on TC make sure you tell them and your tc award should go up

also you may be elegible for CA

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