To hate how you're just expected to be okay.

[Mangoo]

I've had 2 miscarriages in the space if 6 months and I'm just so f*cking down! The last happened in April and I'm just expected to be okay now but I'm really not.

My mum and DP have been great but it's almost as if they think I should be okay now. I know it's because they don't like seeing me upset all the time but I don't know how I'm supposed to just switch this off and 'get on with it'. I went from quite enjoying my job to just loathing being there because all I want to do is be at home. I have lots of colleagues around me having babies or showing me pictures of their grandkids etc... My own DP has kids from ex relationship and I've gone from really enjoying watching him with them to it being like a knife in my chest everytime I come home to him playing with them on the sofa etc...

I'm really struggling and I can't help but feel so lonely :(

So not to drip feed I'm in my mid twenties and my mother had a chromosomal issue when TTC and ended up having a large number of miscarriages and a still birth which absolutely terrifies me as I'm convinced I'll be the same which I think is giving an extra dynamic to this whole thing.

I know you can't just sit and wallow in sadness but I bloody want to and hate being told 'you have to deal with this' as if it's so easy to switch off :(

[Tobebythesea]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel the same. I have also had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months. I have nothing much to add except I know what you are going though and you are not alone. x

[letallthechildrenboogie]

for you. I only had one miscarriage but under very stressful circumstances ( in a desert hospital in Jordan...fun) and it took me ages to get over it. I don't have an answer but you're not alone.

[RayRayBidet]

No advice I'm afraid but I'm so sorry and you don't have to pretend you're OK if you're not.

I hope things get better for you

[DearTeddyRobinson]

op, you're right, it sucks. Tbh, I don't think I'll ever properly 'get over' my MC, even though i have had 2 successful pregnancies. Having said that, the pain does ease over time.
I think it's worth talking to your GP about this. Firstly so you can investigate any possible chromosome issues, and secondly so you can maybe look into some CBT. Not that therapy will 'cure' you from your totally understandable pain, but it might give you the tools to deal with it a bit.
Sorry if I've expressed this clumsily, I genuinely empathise and hope you find a way to get through this

[Mangoo]

Thank you all.

People say things to try and help and it just doesn't I've had lots of 'well it's only two, you might just have bad luck' or 'but you've got ages to try you're only in your twenties'

I did got to the doctors and they said although they don't refer until 3 they would do for me given my mum's history and as I was so distressed. It got to my appointment with the genetics Dept at the hospital and I cancelled it because I was too scared to go and hear it set out in facts that there's something wrong with me.

If (or more when I feel) I have a third I will get automatically referred so I guess I'll just have to be brave and go

This is the first time in my life I've just wanted to doss about at home not because I'm lazy but just because I don't want to face anyone.

It does give me comfort to come on here and hear from others in the same boat thank you

[Treaclepie19]

It's so, so awful and people really do rush you
I had one miscarriage and it knocked me for six for a long while. Take things at your own pace. What you're feeling is okay and normal.
I wish you all the best.

[Mangoo]

@tobebythesea

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's f*cking awful. It's honestly the darkest time in my life. Sending a virtual hug to you

[Ilikesweetpeas]

Sorry to hear this, it's awful. I know people try to help but they say things which really hurt. It's such a difficult thing to experience

[TheMasterNotMargarita]

It really sucks, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I think that you just take it as it comes. I found that as time went on, there was longer in between the times I felt utterly crap.
And I took time off work just to have days to myself and allow myself to wallow when I needed to. It's ok.

[DaphneduWarrior]

I’m so sorry for your losses, OP. You’ve been through a dreadful time. There’s no time limit on grief and no rules about when you ‘have’ to feel better.

I understand your fear over what your mum went through, but if you go for an appointment they may be able to talk you through what your options are / put your mind at rest. Medicine moves forward in leaps and bounds all the time - even if you have the same issue as your mum, I bet treatment and care have changed enormously since then. Perhaps your GP would be willing to re-refer?

Very best of luck.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

It may be worth looking to see if there are any SANDS groups near you. For me, what helped was feeling listened too and time. I also stopped trying to tiptoe around not letting people see I was greiving. I hope you find some real life support.

[BertieBotts]

Is your mum's chromosomal issue a translocation by any chance? DH has one and I'd be glad to talk to you about it. We also had two miscarriages in 6 months but I'm now pregnant with a healthy baby.

Sorry you're struggling at the moment. It is really hard.

[Annab1983]

So sorry for your losses OP, it’s ok to not be ok.. I had a traumatic ectopic pregnancy and then secondary infertility afterwards.. still sad about it but it does get easier in time.. I just wanted to add that for me it was better to have all the information as that’s a form of power over the situation, I found out after laporoscopy that I couldn’t have another baby naturally and it was actually such a relief to know that, had ivf and now have a beautiful baby girl, had I not pushed for diagnosis I would still be in limbo thinking all sorts was wrong with me and wouldn’t have got the help I needed.. I get that is scary and don’t pretend to know the genetic issues but knowledge is power and could help you in the future and as you say if you suffer another mc it’s automatic referral anyway (though I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen) best of luck x

[SparkleHorse82]

Huge hugs, OP. Take as much time as you need and try not to let people's stupid but well meaning remarks get to you. I couldn't bear being at work after my miscarriage. Just try to get through each day until you're able to find joy again. It will happen, but it can take some time xx

[Mangoo]

It's not spoken about either so it's so hard to not feel lonely. I have only told my parents, DP and two close friends but no one I know is in the same situation (except my mum of course years ago). I wouldn't even know if any one has been through this before because it's all such a secret.

Sometimes I just want to announce it to everyone so if someone else feels this way they know they can talk to me! It's ever so isolating I've found.

I'm so sorry that some of you have been through this too I honestly appreciate every message Sometimes I just need to rant!!

[Mangoo]

Sorry I cross posted on a few people there. Thank you again each message means something honestly because I feel like I can't tell anyone in RL.

@Bertie yes it was although I don't know what type of translocation or of course if I do have it at all. The only hope I get is that my mum obviously had me and my Gran and great grandma had 3 children despite miscarriages as well. Surely I can't be the only one in my family not to get lucky :(

[Mangoo]

@justanothername what is SANDS I don't think I've heard of it before? X

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Yep I agree. I argue this all the time that people just expect you to be okay. Sometimes we’re not okay, sometimes we’re really unhappy, or recovering from some loss, like you are, but there’s this massive societal expectation that we should recover quickly, and be okay... happy even.
I think previous centuries dealt with loss and death and grief better than we currently do - we live in a culture of happiness now (at least in the first world), that didn’t exist historically when death and loss were more common.

[Backhometothenorth]

Completely understand - worse thing that ever happened to me twice. I had to make a massive change and leave my job of seventeen years because I just couldn't stand it after what had happened

[PineapplePrincess]

Sorry that you find yourself in this position @Mangoo.

I’m currently recovering from miscarriage number four. It sucks big time and no one really understands until they have been through it.

There is a Miscarriage section on Mumsnet if you want to talk to others in a similar situation or SANDS (Still Birth and Neonatal Death charity) provides counselling and support. Info here:

www.sands.org.uk

It does get easier with time, but like any bereavement it leaves its legacy. {{{big hugs}}}

[BertieBotts]

PM me if you want. I'm currently away from home at a funeral unfortunately but I'll be back home tomorrow evening and I can talk to you about it. All translocations have basically the same effect with some specific issues associated with certain ones but general info is still helpful. We didn't know which type DH had either at first. I know DH was massively scared, and it hasn't been an easy ride at all but we felt much better after our appointment with the geneticist. I promise that it's not so bad in the scheme of things and you are 100% not alone. There is also a fantastic Facebook group I'm on which has really helped with advice, support, understanding and mainly not feeling alone. I'll get you the link when I'm home.

[elliejjtiny]

I understand. I've had 2 miscarriages and my babies would have been 12 and nearly 6 now. I've also got 5 living dc.

[Forevertired1]

Sorry for your losses. Ì only had 1 miscarriage, but understand completely about everyone just expecting you to be okay and saying things that aren't particularly helpful (you can try again, it wasn't your time, there must have been something wrong with the baby so it's just nature's way...). Agree with a pp that it does eventually get better to a degree, but definitely not within 2 months. Take care of yourself OP

[AndInShortIWasAfraid]

I am so sorry for your losses. I had two in the space of five months and was in my mid twenties. There was very little sympathy from the medical professionals I met. I just kept hearing that I was young and could try again. I took a month off work after my first one. I couldn't hold a conversation without crying. Take all the time you need.

[Knicknackpaddyflak]

So sorry OP

You're not alone and of course you're not ok. I hated that life just went on and people wanted to not talk about it and just put it behind them when to me it was shattering and months later I was still shattered. My first mc would be ten this year, and I still think of him and miss him. A very kind friend went to Liverpool cathedral and wrote his name in the special book they keep in the children's chapel on my behalf. I couldn't have gone myself - I'm not sure I could now without becoming a complete mess, but it helped a lot, not least that she really got it.

Hugs to you.