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To want to meet my niece?

(129 Posts)
AsIfIWish Mon 28-May-18 21:56:36

My brother’s girlfriend had her first baby 3 weeks ago. All her family has met her and held her, on day 1. None of my family except my mum (once) have been allowed to. We have all, including my mum, been told we are not allowed to visit, but that they will ‘let us know’ when they are ready to see us. We thought maybe a week or two in, at least, but no... DM thought maybe they just didn't want visitors but they won't come see any of us either. And it's not like she's scared of leaving the house, because they've gone off to a couple of places that are miles away already. Even my Dad hasn’t met his grandchild yet, as he was away the day after she was born which is when my mum was invited to go.

I never try to prescribe how anyone’s behaviour should be, but I am finding this extremely hurtful and upsetting. I have a good relationship with my brother and get on ok with his girlfriend (although we are very different). None of our family can understand why they are being like this. DB is quite under his GFs thumb which doesn’t help, i.e. everything is clearly decided and organised before any event or decision, and my impression is that he wants to go along with it so as to not hurt her feelings, which is lovely, but honestly, seems to be at the expense of everyone else, particularly in this case.

Obviously I understand that having a baby is a massive thing, and that we all cope (or don’t cope, in my case!) in different ways, but the baby is my brother's baby too, not just hers! I just don’t know what to do, if anything... sad sad sad

Troels Mon 28-May-18 22:13:15

I feel for your Mum that is very hurtful. Time your Db grew a pair.

loopylass13 Mon 28-May-18 22:13:29

You are not being unreasonable but I would say the new parents aren't being completely unreasonable either, it is hard adjusting to new-borns. What was your relationship like prior to the birth with brother and girlfriend, how often did you see them? I think it you see them every couple of weeks then eventually you will see this baby too. 3 weeks is still early days.

I will tell you that my siblings booked a holiday to spain on my due date and missed the first two weeks of me being a mother, one brother turned up within 2 days of returning home but the other one didn't bother at all (first time he met my daughter was in the park by accidental at about 10 months old). People, even siblings, just have different priorities … it can suck but you can't dictate what they do.

Maybe pick a date, ask if you could come up on June 16th (etc) to see the baby? That way you are respecting their space and have a specific date to look forward to?

loopylass13 Mon 28-May-18 22:19:54

"the baby is my brother's baby too, not just hers!" whilst I get where you are coming from, you may want to lose this mentality. I know it might be a sexist view but for babies, it is all about the mummy. They know the smell, the heart beat, the feel. Can cause real anxiety to part. I tend to think of dads as becoming dads over time (as in becoming central to their children too) where as mums are mums from day one (a primary need).

AsIfIWish Mon 28-May-18 22:38:19

loopy I would've said that our relationship was fine; didn't see each other that often but semi-regularly gathered at my parent's house. The odd thing is, they've been really active in their discussions about this baby, how they want to do things, how they want to involve everyone, etc. (Although all in a very dictatorship kind of manner.) It's put us all off, if I'm honest. Lots of "this is OUR time" kind of posts on facebook, long messages to everyone in our family about how they (read: she) want to do things once the baby's here, etc. I've never known anything like it. In my experience, a baby is born, a few people drop by with some presents (either making the tea for you, or making you make the tea while wishing they'd leave), and then the parents are pretty much left to fend for themselves except for a few kind people who drop round and hold the baby while you have a nap.

I do know what you mean about the mentality of it being his baby too – I'm a mum, so of course I do. But this feels like something else...

Also I can't believe one brother didn't meet your baby until 10 months old – and then accidentally!

Lilymossflower Mon 28-May-18 22:51:47

I can totally understand them wanting space, however what isn't fair is that the other side of the family have been allowed to visit the baby but not your side. It's not equal.
There an imbalance going on... they should recognise that and adress it. Maybe try say so to your brother, in nicest soft but firm way possible. Xx

lamerde Mon 28-May-18 22:52:27

"the baby is my brother's baby too, not just hers!" whilst I get where you are coming from, you may want to lose this mentality. I know it might be a sexist view but for babies, it is all about the mummy. They know the smell, the heart beat, the feel. Can cause real anxiety to part. I tend to think of dads as becoming dads over time (as in becoming central to their children too) where as mums are mums from day one (a primary need).

Say what?? A father is a father from day one. Jesus Christ what an attitude to take that they’re worth less than a mother. Their role may be different but they’re bloody important.

OP, id be hurt too. Her family shouldn’t be more important than yours. Very strange behaviour to only invite one side of the family over. There is no way in hell I’d treat my in laws like that.

HeddaGarbled Mon 28-May-18 23:05:44

Reading your first post, I thought YANBU although there were a few hints of some tensions ("we are very different", "under his GF thumb"). Your second post, however, is openly contemptuous. They know.

PopTheDragon Mon 28-May-18 23:05:52

OP why are you putting your anger on SIL? Your DB is a grown man and should be recieving the blame. Your ‘impression!’ could be completely wrong. I dont blame them for keeping you at arms length if this is your thoughts about her.

Fruitcorner123 Mon 28-May-18 23:11:36

I agree that you are blaming sil when your brother has to shoulder the blame here. If it was my brother I would ring him and talk to him about it. You may be right about her, i am not saying you are not, but he has rhe respinsibility to his family not her.

DuchyDuke Mon 28-May-18 23:15:15

It is deeply unfair that she’s letting her family see the baby but not yours. Ultimately this will bite her child in the bum, because the first month is critical to help families bond with a new baby. If you haven’t seen an immediate family baby by then and aren’t particularly involved, then they get left out or not bothered with compared to other kids.

peachgreen Mon 28-May-18 23:16:07

I sort of understand. I didn't mind people coming to the hospital although I felt very vulnerable and was in a lot of pain so would have preferred just my family. But once I got home I really wish I'd banned all visitors for a few weeks and just hunkered down, me and baby and DH. I missed out on important bonding time because I was trying to make myself and the house presentable. I wouldn't do it next time.

elliejjtiny Mon 28-May-18 23:35:38

3 weeks is still early days. My dc4 hadn't met any family members apart from me, dh and our dc's at 3 weeks. We did treat both sides of the family equally though.

It's a tricky one because we don't know her side of the story. She could have pnd or you could smoke like chimneys. Or she could just be a manipulative cow. It's hard to tell really

Maelstrop Mon 28-May-18 23:39:57

I think your db’s partner doesn’t like you, sorry. You do sound like you dislike her. Presumably she’s not blind to this.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Mon 28-May-18 23:41:34

I would be very interested to hear your SIL's side of this.

PodgeBod Mon 28-May-18 23:48:07

Why doesn't somebody outright ask your brother why only your side of the family is being kept from the baby? Your father should do it, it's crazy that he hasn't been allowed to meet his grandchild if they have a normal relationship.

AllMYSmellySocks Mon 28-May-18 23:49:49

I know it might be a sexist view but for babies, it is all about the mummy. They know the smell, the heart beat, the feel. Can cause real anxiety to part. I tend to think of dads as becoming dads over time (as in becoming central to their children too) where as mums are mums from day one (a primary need).

I agree that if the mother is breastfeeding or doing most of the care while she's on maternity leave then yes it can be more difficult for a baby to be separated from a mother than father but that doesn't give the mother more "ownership" of the baby than the dad. No one's asking them to rip the baby from it's mother's arms!

TellTheTruthFFS Mon 28-May-18 23:57:50

My inlaws love to put it all on me that they don't have a relationship with our DC, but the fact is they're shit. DH doesn't think much of them, not really. They love to talk about how 'We're all such a close family' Bollocks, it's not true. They can be nasty and manipulitive and we (DH and I) chose to protect our kids from their bullshit.

It would be interesting to hear your brother and partners version.

Bonelessbanquet Mon 28-May-18 23:59:21

I wish I’d have been more forceful about no visitors. I felt pressured from DPs family from day 1 despite having infections, anemia, numerous stitches.

It’s left me feeling rather resentful towards them.

You have no idea if shes struggling trying to feed, bleeding heavily, pain, PND.. I’m sure most of us don’t mind our own close family seeing us like that, but Who wants judgey inlaws around when you feel a bag’o shite

TellTheTruthFFS Mon 28-May-18 23:59:25

*manipulative

crispysausagerolls Tue 29-May-18 00:12:20

what isn't fair is that the other side of the family have been allowed to visit the baby but not your side. It's not equal.

I disagree with this. The mother is the one who has gone through the labour - she will be physically exhausted still, adjusting to breastfeeding etc and value her privacy. Having her own family over will be naturally much easier for her and more relaxing, as opposed to feeling like she has to host in-laws. I think that's obvious. However there is always the possibility that she just doesn't like you guys. The fact she felt the need to spell out the way they will do things and your general attitude that she is controlling makes me feel like actually you and your family are overbearing and therefore she wanted to make things clear so people knew where they stood and she wouldn't feel bullied.

agnurse Tue 29-May-18 00:22:19

It's not your child. NONE of you are "entitled" to have time with this child. She may feel she has to stand more "On ceremony" for you than for her own family. They may not be ready yet for company - it can take time for a baby to settle into a routine. Don't worry about how much time her family gets. That's not your concern. All of you just need to step back and wait patiently to be invited.

crispysausagerolls Tue 29-May-18 00:25:18

agnurse

I agree with this SO strongly 🙌🏼

emmyrose2000 Tue 29-May-18 00:28:19

I know it might be a sexist view but for babies, it is all about the mummy. They know the smell, the heart beat, the feel. Can cause real anxiety to part. I tend to think of dads as becoming dads over time (as in becoming central to their children too) where as mums are mums from day one (a primary need)

What utter garbage.

Sistersofmercy101 Tue 29-May-18 00:29:50

agnurse has nailed it imo.
OP your post is so very possessive -this is not your child. A relationship with this child is a privilege not a right and if you're as unpleasant to your brother's partner (as your attitude in your post on here suggests) then you may not see this child for a very long time. YABVU

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