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AIBU or should brother apologise

(36 Posts)
angie1984 Mon 28-May-18 02:55:11

Not sure where to start, i have a DD who is almost 4 moths old, i am having a naming ceremony in july and invited my silbings to be godparents, however after 2 months of sarcastic comments from my brother i have just uninvited him.
He is going to see eminem in london the day before the naming ceremony which is in leamington spa i asked him before i booked the room would that be ok and pointed out it would not start until 1 pm. he said fine so i booked it, he received his written invitation a few weeks ago and stated on the whatapp that he would be late as in wouldn't get there until early evening i pointed out it finishes at 5 pm. DSis1 stated he should get a cheap airbnb and posted one on the group, me and him have discussed it no more than that.
As siblings we have a group whatapp for posting pics of chlidren or just general musings of our days.Today DSis1 has been posting about her weekend away. I replied very nice and that i had spent the day defrosting our grandad's freezer, having my baby bite my nipple four times (due to teething) and then scream at me for an hour (also due to teething). DBro replied that having one kid must be hard and that when he now describes me to people it will be as the one that bitches about her single child (he has no children).
i replied that one child wasn't hard though it wasn't smiles 24/7 and that i was sure when he had children he would never talk about the harder times and that im sure more than one is more work i would let him know when i had more
his exact response was 'yeah well when you have your next one make sure to schedule everything on days that you know are a struggle for me to get to even when you know in advance, because its not a day involving (my name) unless she's being a cunt'.
My DBro has been struggling with his mental health for the last few years however won't talk to any of us about it and because of this it the past i have let things slide that anyone else i who of pointed it out. But this is the final straw i really do want the whole family at the naming ceremony as it doesn't happen very often but the idea of it, is that we promise to love and teach the baby to respect others, is it wrong for me to expect him to apologise before he is re-invited.

Coolaschmoola Mon 28-May-18 03:01:54

Nope. There is no excuse for the things he said.

Birdsgottafly Mon 28-May-18 03:05:54

No, he needs to apologise.

I wouldn't take what he was saying to heart. it is probably his MH. You still have a right to put boundaries in place, though.

Dons1975 Mon 28-May-18 06:07:39

Why did you book that date when you knew he had stuff on it’s obviously not that important to you to have the whole family there.
You seem quite dismissive of his
Mental health because he doesn’t talk about it most people don’t which is where the problem arises. He shouldn’t have called you what he did and owes you an apology for that.
FYI you can’t have godparents at a naming ceremony

YouAreNotImportant Mon 28-May-18 06:17:30

Sounds like your sister posted about having a nice weekend away and you replied with what a shitty hard day you were having? That would have annoyed me in a group chat.

He shouldn't have called you a cunt though.

angie1984 Mon 28-May-18 06:19:26

i did ask him if the date was ok because of the concert and explained the time it started and where it was, he said it was fine. If he had told me he couldn't make it i would of changed the date.

monkeysox Mon 28-May-18 06:23:30

He might not see it as important as you do.
He was rude as fuck.
Also agree with pp
Godparents are for church

JassyRadlett Mon 28-May-18 06:26:30

FYI you can’t have godparents at a naming ceremony

FYI, you can have whatever you jolly well please. It’s not a protected term.

crisscrosscranky Mon 28-May-18 06:26:46

I have a sibling like you- a Debbie Downer who makes sure everything is about them. I would love to have the audacity to say the things your brother did because I think them all the time.

I wouldn't put myself out or cancel plans for a naming ceremony- presumably your baby already has a name?

Cawfee Mon 28-May-18 06:26:52

I really don’t understand. Why does having a concert in London impact him coming to anything? Plenty of people have things going on during a Saturday eve but then go to other things on a Sunday. It’s ok to do more than one thing on a weekend?!? Even if he stayed over in London after the concert, he could leave the hotel after breakfast (which normally finishes about 10) go to the trai station and be up in leamington by 12. Plenty of time to make it. I really don’t understand why he can’t make it or what the problem is? If the concert was in Edinburgh then I’d understand.leamington is on a direct train line from London! Super easy. I’ve done it loads!

Joey7t8 Mon 28-May-18 06:32:07

Godparents are for a church christening no? The clue is in the name.

SalemBlackCat Mon 28-May-18 06:36:23

You can have Godparents at a Naming Ceremony! Why do people think you can't? Of course you can! Besides, not all people are Christian. What if she is Wiccan or something? Still with the Godparents, but a Wiccan Naming Ceremony. This is 2018.

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 28-May-18 06:36:50

He called you a cunt. I would probably reply ' I checked with you about the date. You said it was fine. Leamington isn't that far from London so I don't know why you're making it into a big thing. But I think it's a good thing you can't make it as DC deserves to have people in her life who treat others with basic respect. I hope whatever you're dealing with that is making you act like such a douche is sorted out and if you want to talk about it then let me know. People struggle in different ways and I'm sorry if my moaning came across as attention seeking, but you're being ridiculous.

KlutzyDraconequus Mon 28-May-18 06:37:27

has he got MH issues tho?
or is he just an horrible cunt that uses MH issues as justification to be an horrible cunt?

there's.lots of people in the world that are knob heads, people say things like,
"Just ignore it, it's just their way / how they are"
as if that's a reason for shitty behaviour.

SalemBlackCat Mon 28-May-18 06:38:35

He sounds like a very nasty and hateful person who uses his MH issues as an excuse to use people as a verbal punching bag. Your brother should definitely apologise. I can tell you now that if he ever spoke to me like that, I would go NC until he did, and even then, the relationship would never be the same.

Dons1975 Mon 28-May-18 06:52:49

@jassyradlet god parents is a religious term which is used in christenings you can not use it for a naming ceremony - you can have guardians / supporters or whatever term you like as long as it’s not a religious term

Ruffian Mon 28-May-18 06:53:48

DSis1 has been posting about her weekend away. I replied very nice and that i had spent the day defrosting our grandad's freezer, having my baby bite my nipple four times (due to teething) and then scream at me for an hour

His comment was horrible but you do sound like someone trying to get more attention by playing the martyr.

Have you un-godparented him as well? Probably for the best if there's issues between you.

NewYearNewMe18 Mon 28-May-18 06:57:08

I'll be shot down in flames, but really, discussing your nipples in group chat with a male sibling? That would piss me off no end. Is nothing private any more?

SalemBlackCat Mon 28-May-18 06:58:44

Dons1975 That is absolute rubbish. Utter, absolute, rubbish! There is NO RULE that says you can't. You CAN have whatever name/term you want. There is absolutely no reason you can't, and no law that says you can't.

JassyRadlett Mon 28-May-18 06:59:41

@jassyradlet god parents is a religious term which is used in christenings you can not use it for a naming ceremony - you can have guardians / supporters or whatever term you like as long as it’s not a religious term

Are you one of those who also thinks than non-Christians can’t celebrate Christmas?

I think Christians need to recognise that their faith has held a position of huge cultural dominance for centuries, and as such many institutions originally associated with Christianity have gained cultural, non-religious significance.

My children didn’t have a naming ceremony or godparents/alternatives but I adore my own godmothers (who played no religious significance in my life) and I can see why people would want to replicate a relationship that has been meaningful to them.

Christians get an established church, affecting all of us, and state-funded faith schools, paid for by all of us. It would be gracious if they could not bitch about non-Christians having godparents.

As I said, it’s not a protected term. Anyone can use it to mean anything they like. There’s no ‘can not’ about it.

Whereisthecoffee Mon 28-May-18 07:06:39

The humanist society who conduct ceremonies don’t have issue with the term god parent being used. It’s not a big deal.
misses point

SalemBlackCat Mon 28-May-18 07:14:09

Yes Whereisthecoffee, I know a few Celebrants/Ceremonial officiants who do Naming ceremonies and liaise with the parents and God parents. Many secular celebrants officiate over Godparents. It is not purely a Christian tradition. Or, at least it isn't purely one anymore.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 28-May-18 07:26:12

crisscrosscranky
Ffs. He’s making it all about him. He agreed to the date. Perhaps op would have moved it. It’s a bizarre world, where returning home the next day from an Eminem concert takes precedence over a once in a lifetime and significant event.

I would post something like Justanothername has posted. Make it a little shorter. But as for reinviting him. Just don’t. That positioning and game playing. Accept he isn’t coming and move on. He’s hardly going to be a good godparent with this attitude.

Whereismumhiding2 Mon 28-May-18 07:45:31

I had to read your OP three times as it's a little jumbled, so hopefully I havent misunderstood. It does seem to me you are both BbitU and misunderstanding each other.

1. You could have organised naming ceremony on a better weekend. You already knew about concert and your DBro's MH issues. Why make something stressful if there were other possible dates available (as you indicated)?

2. Your DBro said it was fine then decided (after receiving invite) he'd turn up teatime ... so late he'd miss it. Maybe he thought it would go on to be an eve thing (!!) Or didn't think. Or was making a point. He's been a bit of an idiot... But he doesn't sound invested in your baby's day, (your PFB?), so why are you asking him to be one of baby's several godparents?

3. You were obviously chatting about your DBro in group chat, what he should do .... 'get an air b&b'. No one likes that. I imagine there was an element of 'hes messed up again' undertone in it.

4. Gosh you had a rather TMI moan to your all siblings (male too!) not a private chat. Was it a one off or regular? MNs can't tell from OP whether others might feel you overdo the 'have a baby, life is tough...' stories or not, as that's more about context & your usual chatter.

5. He was very disrespectful calling you a 'Cant' & what he said. Regardless of whether he thought he was calling you out on something ( after some provocation), or whether he was being nasty, or that he always overeacts in a defensive way,.. he ought apologise.

There's 4+ weeks before naming ceremony in July. Let it settle. He might apologise, his other siblings might take him to task (it was said in group chat). You also might owe him a little bit of an apology after then, if (3) had undertone of humiliating him.

If situ remains tense (or without apologies), then it may be best he doesn't attend baby naming ceremony to grump-steam through it. He can still be baby's uncle without going to it!

TheLionRoars1110 Mon 28-May-18 08:10:14

I don't get why you're getting such a hard time on here. He sounds a right idiot. If he didn't like the date he should have said. If he doesn't want to know about your problems with bf again he should have said exactly that.
No need for the name calling and general silliness. Mental illness or not he needs to grow up.
What exactly did you say to him when you uninvited him? Do you still want him to come?

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