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AIBU?

To want to go on days out

14 replies

silkyk · 27/05/2018 22:19

I've been with my partner eight years and we don't really go on 'dates'. We live together and on weekends we spend the time going to the supermarket, catching up on chores, and may go to Wetherspoon if I'm lucky

He has a hobby, and he will do this every Sunday or every other Sunday. It's not something I can get involved with. So she be been wanting us to do more together. I am a history geek and love going to historical places (castles, national trust sites, historical interest places). But whenever I take him he moans about how boring it is. He doesn't even give it a chance.

Today I said I was going out to one of these places, and he insisted on coming. He wanted to leave after half an hour and started moaning about how dull it was almost immediately. It was really embarrassing, it felt like I was with a stroppy child.

I am so sick of his behaviour. He doesn't want to spend money on meals out, I've suggested things like theme parks, attractions in London and various events but he doesn't want to go. He also loathes shopping so that would be a no too.

AIBU to want to do these things with someone, should I leave him alone and accept we need to do these things separately? Or does he need to make more of an effort?

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AtrociousCircumstance · 27/05/2018 22:23

Erm...what is keeping you with this person, who shares none of your interests, and hasn’t got the maturity to use patience and generosity to support the odd trip to a castle?

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Sevendown · 27/05/2018 22:27

You sound incompatible.

Are you young?

Do you have dcs?

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AllMYSmellySocks · 27/05/2018 22:28

YANBU. He sounds unbearable. Fair enough if he really doesn't like historical places (although he should be able to go occasionally without behaving like a stroppy kid) but he sounds like he doesn't want to do anything ever. Do you guys go away on holiday?

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cadburyegg · 27/05/2018 22:29

My dad is like this. When the 3 of us were all on holiday together he insisted on doing things he wanted to do. Whenever my mum persuaded him to do something he just ruined the whole day complaining, losing his temper at the slightest thing. As he's got older it's got worse.

Don't expect him to change, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

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YouTheCat · 27/05/2018 22:29

Can you find a friend to go with? Or join a local interest group?

Tbh, he sounds tedious.

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silkyk · 27/05/2018 22:30

@AllMYSmellySocks we haven't been on holiday in 6 years. He hated the heat (it was about 22c) and moaned all week about the lack of WiFi. We haven't been again as he sees it as a waste of money.

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Murane · 27/05/2018 22:31

If you don't have children why are you still with this person who you apparently have nothing in common with?

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DesignStatement · 28/05/2018 00:39

OP ~ Can you list 3 things that make you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

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Sundance65 · 28/05/2018 02:25

Why do you need him to come with You?

If the rest of the relationship is good then just do these things on your own or with other people.

There is no reason why you need to share all the same interests - space in a relationship is extremely healthy.

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TroubledLichen · 28/05/2018 02:50

He sounds tedious. Insisting on coming with you to the historical place then ruining it for is particularly awful, like you’re not allowed to enjoy anything just because he doesn’t. Does he have ANY good qualities?!

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Whitesea · 28/05/2018 03:03

I have two children with someone like this. Going anywhere is a big deal and he sucks the joy out of going so much that its easier to just not bother. He is stroppy and puts on a sour face while looking at his watch as soon as we arrive. Everything is planned and there is no such word as spontaneous. He is joyless as are his parents and siblings and I know he cannot change nor does he want to. If I'd known this ten years ago, I wouldn't have met him twice.

I've never said this on MN before. If you don't have children, leave him now.

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AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2018 03:46

DH and I have been married 30 + years and we do have hobbies that we do separately. He likes backpacking and my idea of 'roughing it' is a hotel that doesn't have room service! I love going to Disneyland (CA) and he'd rather chew glass than set foot in it. So we do those things with other friends and don't try to make the other do them. And although I'd never backpack, he has occasionally (on his own volition) come with me to Disneyland or Disney World. When he does, he's a real sport about it and in return if he gets bored or tired he's free to go back to the hotel whilst I stayed in the Parks. But TBH, it wasn't as much fun for me as I knew he really didn't want to be there. I'd rather do my Disney thing with my BFF who is also a Disney fan. Just as DH would rather backpack with his mates who enjoy the same thing.

But we also have things we love to do together. We love our National Parks and the ocean so we do a lot of RVing. And we enjoy going to the movies and for long drives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's fine to have separate hobbies and to do them with other friends who enjoy the same thing but it's nice to try to find things to enjoy together. It's also fine not to want to participate in something you don't enjoy. But if one does decide to accompany someone to something one doesn't enjoy, then one needs to paste on a smile and STFU.

Your partner behaved like an arse and it seems to me that his reason for going was simply to ruin the day for you. He knew from the get-go that he wasn't going to enjoy it so why go unless you have an ulterior motive? I expect he thinks that if he makes the visits unpleasant enough, you'll stop going. I have a friend whose DH is that way. He is so insecure and jealous that he wants any 'fun' she has to derive strictly from him and to only be things that HE has fun doing. And if she does go off and do something with friends that he wouldn't enjoy, he does his best to ruin it by constant angry phone calls and whinging texts demanding her attention. And God forbid if she doesn't answer her phone or text back right away!!! It's disgusting.

Do you and he have any common interests? Is he controlling in other ways (because his behaviour IS controlling)? It doesn't sound to me as if there is much for you in this relationship.

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AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2018 03:47

OMG! Didn't realize I'd written an epistle! Sorry for the length!

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flowerslemonade · 28/05/2018 04:12

I hope you go on a day out on your own and have a lovely time. Tell him you want to go on your own!

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