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To think it's only going to get worse?

(74 Posts)
Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 22:12:35

I'm at my wits end.

I went into Ds1's room to say goodnight and to take his phone and tablet away for the night. We always do this and where he boards weekly, the teachers do it too.

He called me an effing bitch. I told him not to call me names and he said I deserved it.

I had to dash downstairs because I was so angry.

He's 13.

He so unpleasant. He has nothing nice to say to anyone.

He has always been defiant and prone to lots of rages when younger. From the ages of 4 to 8 he would rage all weekend. About the fact we had asked him to do stuff like get dressed, brush his teeth etc.

We have been down the counselling and CAMHS route. They all said he's a lovely boy. Very academic. Perfect at school.

I simply imagine it's going to get worse and worse. Perhaps he'll get physical one day.

Yet every evening from school at 9pm, he calls me up, nice as pie. It's like a split personality. It's very unsettling.

So his tablet and phone are confiscated now. But he says he needs the tablet for homework and revision.

I'm at a loss.

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 22:14:00

He chose to board weekly btw.

I had selected very good local grammar but he chose another grammar school that is just as good but has boarding.

He said he wanted to board because the boys who do get better grades than day boys.

bluejelly Sun 27-May-18 22:16:20

Sorry to hear thanks
I don't have any specific advice but just to say I was foul to my parents when I was 13, by the time I was 16 I was mostly pleasant and friendly and now I'm very close to them. It won't necessarily get worse.

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 22:19:00

Did you call them names?

Alwayscommuting Sun 27-May-18 22:20:43

My sister was a menace, hated everyone, everyone was stupid. Called people names, the year she turned 17 she became a normal person and we're now very very close.

Babdoc Sun 27-May-18 22:29:58

I think the Masai have the right idea with teenage boys - send them off into the wilderness to fight lions, and have them back when they’ve grown up a bit!
Joking apart, lots of teens are utterly annoying twerps for a few years - I’m sure the other mums and many teachers on here would agree - but the vast majority do get through it and become almost human again by 17 or 18!
Decide which battles are worth fighting, draw some boundaries, negotiate stuff like bedtimes, home times, and aim for an atmosphere of mutual respect. If you don’t swear and scream at your teen, it’s much easier to insist on the same courtesy back.
With boys, it helps if they have a sport they like, so they can burn off some of that angry hormone fuelled energy on a football pitch or wherever, rather than venting it on you.
Hunker down, OP, and aim to weather the next 3 or 4 years. You’ll get a nice young adult out the other end of it!

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 23:01:41

I don't calling me an effing bitch is being a twerp.

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 23:03:01

He does trampolining and karate when he's at home. He loves them both.

At school he does tennis and rowing. And usual PE and games. Plenty of sport.

There's nothing I can do about him calling me names, is there? I said he was being a toad.

KyloRenaissance Sun 27-May-18 23:06:06

Have you checked the history of his devices to see what he has been accessing!?

FWIW, if DS (13) swore at me like that he would not be getting his stuff back until he properly apologised.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Sun 27-May-18 23:12:01

Joking apart, lots of teens are utterly annoying twerps for a few years - I’m sure the other mums and many teachers on here would agree

A 13 yo calling his mother a fucking bitch is not being a twerp, which suggests he is being a bit silly; he is being hugely disrespectful.

CoughLaughFart Sun 27-May-18 23:14:31

I don’t understand what you’re asking. You’ve already decided this isn’t acceptable. What more do you want/need to hear?

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 23:20:49

I want to hear how to handle this. Productively.

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 23:21:19

And his stuff is confiscated for a long time.

SmallBlondeMama Sun 27-May-18 23:27:39

Ugh that sucks. No advice but hopefully he will grow out of it. Could you try talking to a family therapist to help you cope with it? I have two boys and dread their teenage years. Something also I always remember hearing is that people treat you how you let them.

Cobblersandhogwash Sun 27-May-18 23:28:57

@CoughLaughFart perhaps you have some constructive advice for me?

KyloRenaissance Sun 27-May-18 23:33:59

Is he accessing anything that he shouldn't be? And that is a productive suggestion.

If he's on half term he can do without his stuff for a few days.

MrsTommyBanks Sun 27-May-18 23:37:15

How is your home life generally?
Are there any issues, however small that might be troubling him?

Coolaschmoola Sun 27-May-18 23:41:44

So you responded to him calling you names by calling him one? Different level insult, but same basic premise.

Teenagers tend to view swear words as a lot less offensive than adults do. Conversations between teenagers are littered with expletives. He probably sees you as a bit of a hypocrite.

That's not to excuse what he did. Obviously his behaviour was utterly unacceptable and needs dealing with accordingly.

I'd be keeping his phone and tablet until he goes back to school. If he is adamant he has to have the tablet to do homework sit next to him the whole time.

I'd also remove his tv in his room if he has one. If he's bored he can read a book.

EdWinchester Sun 27-May-18 23:47:15

I have 2 teenagers and simply can’t imagine this.

It’s very worrying and suggests he is very troubled. You need more help from professionals. It’s absolutely not normal.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 27-May-18 23:49:10

Cobblers, just asking, but when he's home from school, does he get much down time, is he allowed to watch tv in his pyjamas ?
You need to sit down with him, and ask him why he feels the need to be so rude. What would make him happier, and if he ever speaks to you like that again, he'll be boarding full time, holidays included, only in boot camp.😡😄

Thehop Sun 27-May-18 23:51:03

My 13 year old dd hates me. He abuses his brothers and is awful to me. He’s currently living with my mother things got so bad. He won’t even visit but allows me to drive him to and from school....albeit with earphones in so I don’t even get a “hello”

I’m not much use I just wanted to sympathise xx

Thehop Sun 27-May-18 23:51:25

Sorry that should be 13 year old ds

Dragongirl10 Sun 27-May-18 23:52:34

I cannot believe you tolerate that behavior, I would be beyond livid and let him know it in no uncertain terms.

I would tell him the next time he is so rude, I will donate his phone to a charity, and do it.

The next time he swore at me, l would donate his Ipad to someone who needs it .

If he needs it for school tough.

If there was a third time, (l would imagine he would have got the message by that stage) he would be taken out of his school and go to the local school thereby saving you and DH /DP a fortune in fees.

I say this as he has been assessed for having other issues/SEN and doesn't, also he behaves perfectly elsewhere, hence he is being a nasty rude brat to you which is totally unaceptable, and makes me wonder how he will behave as an adult to the women in his life.

gillybeanz Sun 27-May-18 23:52:58

None of mine have said this but, when they have said things I didn't find acceptable I'd ask why they'd said it?
If they knew what it meant, and if they felt cool for being nasty.

I agree with cool
They will be using all sorts of bad and offensive language at school. Doesn't make it acceptable though, I'd be really hard and take everything away for the holidays.
Use it as a time to bond more and get closer, sounds like he's testing your boundaries.

e1y1 Sun 27-May-18 23:54:29

He’d lose everything for a while, not just phone and tablet, but games consoles (if he has), TVs, iPods etc, spending money the lot, literally the only thing he would have is books to read.

Next step would be grounding (not sure how that would work with him boarding)..

And if really necessary, every treat food would go, of course he would be well provided for nutritionally and but any treat foods, would be out.

Yes, it would be hell whilst the punishment is happening, but it would happen EVERY time he said something like this and would only be prolonged by saying it again.

Of course I’m not saying this applies to you direct, but I have seen this behaviour spiral and it was due to no punishment and just trying to gloss over the behaviour for a peaceful home, there was always an excuse, always someone else’s fault and always money thrown at the problem, got to 18 and whilst it’s only car crime (for now), certain person is becoming an ever bigger problem and known to the police. Way too late to try and get through to him now and I feel his next step is prison. Luckily not a child of mine, but not too distant as a family relation.

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