To be so anxious about this child coming round.

[Dippytoast]

A relative has recently moved back to my home town. I do like her, she's a very kind and generous person, but I find it hard having her in my house.

The thing is, she has a habit of "dropping by". I don't mind this too much, because it's par for the course within my family and in this area.

However she brings her toddler DD with her. I have one DS who is ten, so I am not used to small children any more. My relative will let her DD roam around my house while she has a chat. Her DD, being a toddler, naturally lifts things, drops them, slams doors, bangs on the fish tank, pulls things out of cupboards. My relative seems to not acknowledge any of this. I have taken to running round after her DD in an effort to stop her wrecking my house and it's exhausting.

I don't know if this is to be expected with small children. I used to bring a little back pack with cars and books for DS and I would have told him no/removed him from other people's bedrooms/removed any items he may have picked up. So far the DD has damaged and broken quite a few of my things and has scribbled on walls. My relative ignores her child for the entire visit and does not seem to realise that the child has ventured upstairs, in the bathroom etc. My house is no longer baby friendly and I also worry that the little girl will end up drinking bleach or something.

Today they arrived again, and this time the child smashed my hoover against the door, chased my cat, and pulled all of the books out of my bookcase. I tried to distract her and make a game of "let's put them back". She also got hold of one of my DS's toys and threw a tantrum when asked to give it back. I don't think my relative was very pleased, I thibk she expected DS to offer her DD the toy.

So as not to drip feed, both DS and I have Asperger's and I have anxiety. My ability to function is very much dependant on having my own space. My house is not fancy, and i am not some sort of hygiene freak, but I like my things where they are. DS is the same. I have had other children round to visit over the last ten years, but none has caused this level of anxiety. I am on edge the entire time they visit, and for hours afterwards. For instance, even now I am on edge, snappy with DS, and generally feeling out of sorts.

My relative is very "treat my home as your own" but that just isn't how I do things and I find it really unsettling.

I'm not sure how to handle this without falling out with my relative, which I don't want to do. I understand that I am probably being uptight and impatient but I am really really struggling with this, and I feel so bad to the point of tears because I want to be welcoming to guests, but I can't deal with this sort of thing

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would not be having them in my home, can you suggest meeting at their house, or outside the home. Failing that, just be honest, she needs to set boundaries and pull up her parenting, especially in other people's homes, she is very rude not doing this.

[MuddyForestWalks]

People are always too worried about falling out with people. OP she is walking all over you, trashing your home and showing you and your DS zero respect. The only thing piss takers like her listen to is someone telling them flat out that their behaviour is unacceptable. So what if she has a toddler tantrum? (Yes I do mean the adult).

Either that or lock your front door so she can't walk in and hide upstairs every time she visits. She'll get the message soon enough.

[Claredemoon]

You could pick up a few toys/baby books cheaply at a charity shop then when she comes give them to her in a box to play with and say to your relative you got the toddler these as you are worried about her accidently breaking something and hurting herself. Also keeps doors shut so she can't wander around.

[Dippytoast]

I find it hard to know what's unacceptable behaviour on her part and what is me being overly controlling of my environment. I know my relative thinks I'm overly strict. we only eat in the kitchen for example, food isn't brought out to the rest of the house except for the odd packet of sweets eaten in front of the TV. She thinks this is incredibly OTT. Both DS and I need rules and routine at home so that we can cope with the outside world. I work full time, and th only way I can do so is because when I'm home I am in control of my environment. DS is the same. So it's really hard to work out if I'm BU or not. But honestly it's getting to the point where having them round is like nails down a blackboard to me, it's almost physically painful because I feel so invaded.

[Dippytoast]

That's a good idea re the baby box with toys and books.

I do keep doors shut, but she can open them. And if she can't, she pulls and pulls at the handle and starts kicking and thumping the door

[ShawshanksRedemption]

Next time she "drops by" just say "Oh we were going out actually, can we rearrange?" and ensure your future arrangements mean you go to hers or a park.

Or be straight and tell her that she needs to let you know when she's coming round so you can "baby proof" the home (remove your valuables) and you expect her to parent her child and not rely on you. Scribbling on your walls left me to be honest!

[freezerfoodyum]

Yanbu. I have a two year old and he is a nightmare but I would never let him run riot in someone's home like that!!

[boho2u]

If that's what you need, then that's fine. It's your home. You set the rules.

I don't allow eating all over the house either and children sit at the table for snacks/dinner etc here. I dont to be clearing crumbs and sticky finger prints off everything.

I would set your boundaries and if the are not respected, meet elsewhere.

[Claredemoon]

Oh gosh that toddler needs boundaries, kicking doors in unacceptable! Poor you the baby box may give you the opportunity to have a frank chat with the relative as it shows you are being welcoming and keeps little madam distracted so you can talk! Good luck op!

[DragonsAndCakes]

We don’t eat all over the house either, so it’s not just you.
But even if it was, that’s how it’s done in your house and it’s fine to keep to that.

[CloudCaptain]

She sounds awful. The relative, the kid has no idea.
Really hard to say anything but I would limit visits. If she turns up at the door say lovely we were just going to a cafe/Park/for a walk.
Perhaps you could insert a cheerful smile with, my house isn't toddler friendly anymore you know.

[MollyDaydream]

Maybe you need to be a bit more direct/firmer.

Box of toys is a good idea, and keep the door closed. If she tries to get out or bang the door say 'no sweetheart, you need to stay in here with mummy - my house isn't safe for toddlers'.
If mummy doesn't get off her arse then ask her directly - 'Julie can you come and get her?'.

[athingthateveryoneneeds]

It's your home - your sanctuary. You need to keep it a certain way to maintain your mental health. Protecting your space from being destroyed is not unreasonable!

[MuddyForestWalks]

It doesn't matter if the relative thinks your rules are OTT. Your house your rules. If she doesn't like your rules the alternative is for her to meet you elsewhere not for her to trample over your boundaries.

[APairofScarletSequinedWings]

You know what, Dippytoast ? It is your and Ds's home, and you are entitled to be as strict or relaxed as you like. If your relative doesn't like the way you do things, then you can arrange to meet elsewhere if she cannot be respectful to your home, and if she won't tell her little one 'no'. Children need boundaries, and to learn how to behave with other people. If she lets her dd carry on like this everywhere she goes, then both of them will have some very rude awakenings as they start on the path so life with other people (nursery, play dates, etc.), and sadly it will be her dd that misses out as fewer and fewer people will want her around with that behaviour.

You and your Ds must look after your own selves first, structure, rules, and anything else that helps you deal with the world around you. If your relative cannot accept that, or at least abide by your rules, you aren't missing out on a particularly nice person, tbh. She doesn't sound very kind, ignoring behaviour that she can see is distressing you and your son, nor is she particularly generous in giving you notice of arriving, or arranging another venue so you can relax.

It's your home, you have the right to have it respected.

[Knittedfairies]

You are definitely not being unreasonable; you have worked out strategies that enable you and your son to live in peace at home - how your relative views that is immaterial. You need to have words! The toddler can play with anything in the designated box and everything else is off-limits. Kicking the door? Sheesh...

[User467]

I don't think you need to justify it by explaining about your need for rules.....she is being rude and allowing her child to damage your child. I don't have aspergers and I wouldn't accept this. Nothing wrong with eating just in the kitchen or your child not wanting a toddler to damage his things. A baby box would be a good idea, I've kept some younger toys for his reason, but she should be bringing things. I'd just make a point of saying to the child (but really to her) that you're just staying in this room and that they are not allowed in dc room. Keep the door closed. She'll get the hint

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

Yanu . I'm not on the spectrum at all and I would lose my shit pretty quickly at the adult letting her child trash your place

[Thehop]

If you don’t feel strong enough to say no to her maybe baby gates on the doors that exit your kitchen and keep them there? Ask relative to bring her some books and toys with them?

[Thehop]

I had a friend like this and I had to be brutal.

“Oh god don’t come here I can’t deal with toddler play anymore well come to you haha!”

Wasn’t as hard as I thought in the end x

[Zebrasinpyjamas]

Your relative is oblivious (at best) to your stress. You need to be direct and say 'please stop dd doing xxx' when she does it. Kindly and firmly. Do it at the time and every time. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to visit you and you can meet somewhere else. This is clearly important to you so you need to be direct and firm.

[Tinkobell]

Yup. Avoid. Meet at a 'fun' park thing so the little one can let of steam properly.

[AllMYSmellySocks]

I don't know if this is to be expected with small children.

It's expected for children to roam around creating mess and chaos it's not expected for their parents to let them, especially while in someone else's house! I actually hate taking toddlers to houses without a resident toddler because you spend the entire time stopping them banging their head on sharp objects and protecting expensive possessions.

[Branleuse]

i think you need to talk to her. Does she know youre aspie?

I had to have a word with my friend who kept dropping by unnanounced. I told her that I really needed her to phone first to check if its convenient otherwise I get a lot of anxiety

[TitZillas]

I think YANBU at all. It’s just not acceptable to allow a toddler to behave like that in someone else’s house, can’t she see you are uncomfortable the whole time?
I’d keep challenging it every time - “No, don’t do that, please don’t touch that, don’t kick that” etc