I've NC for this and fair warning it's LONG.
I need help, I'll try to tell as much if the story as poss to avoid drip feeding etc, my head is a bit all over though, so apologies if I miss anything.
So, I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with DD1. Had a stillbirth last year, DS1 was born sleeping at 38+2. It was his first birthday last week.
My relationship with the father of the children has been a little up and down over the years. We have been together for about 3 years now and are due to get married later this year.
In the history of the relationship there have been drink and drug issues on his part, coke is the drug of choice and featured heavily in his life just before he met me. I explained to him when we got together that I wasn't comfortable with the drugs and if he wanted to continue with them then for me that would be the end of the relationship as I simply didn't want anything to do with them. He accepted this, however there were a few occasions where he used again after we'd had arguments etc, he'd disappear sometimes all night with his friends, getting wrecked and it would transpire the next morning that he'd been on the stuff.
He has done a few disappearing acts with his friends over the course of the relationship which have been a source of great anxiety for me. He would often say he was on his way home and wouldn't return until the next morning, usual dick-ish behaviour.
It got to a point where he wanted to get off the drugs for good, obviously it strained our relationship and rightly or wrongly I didn't LTB, perhaps I should have at that point...
He asked me if he could live with me for a while so he could be away from the people and places he would associate with it. I reluctantly agreed to let him stay with me. The usage stopped and things were better.
Then, late 2016 I found out I was pregnant with DS1. We still had our own houses at this point. I was unsure if we should go through with the pregnancy given the unstable history of his father, but we decided to give things a proper go.
He sold his house and moved into mine. He set up his own company (which has been massively successful) and all seemed to be going well.
Sadly, as mentioned we lost DS, with no real explanation as to what happened.
Things were tough last year after he died but we got through things together. "D"P proposed to me just after DS was born and I said yes. It was very difficult for me to ever imagine a life with another man after what we had been through. That wasn't my only reason for saying yes, obviously I love him and when things are good they are amazing and I'm as happy as I have ever been if not more.
After DS was stillborn there were a few more disappearing acts. I think it was a week after ds was born, DP disappeared on his motorbike all day and wouldn't answer his phone. I eventually got a text from him at 3am asking me to pick him up, (he was 30 miles away) because he was too drunk to ride home. As I was worried about him I obliged and excused his behaviour because we had just lost our son. Obviously he was being a prick but grief does funny things to people.
Since then things have been uneventful. We started TTC again around a month or two after we lost DS, eventually falling pregnant again about 6 months later.
Wedding planning was going well etc, then over Christmas we had another "incident" - I was at my work's Christmas do. DP agreed he would pick me up.
I called him just before midnight for him to come and get me (I didn't know I was pregnant at this point). He answered the phone and said he would be collecting me with his friend, in his friend's car - It transpired that he'd been out drinking with said friend, don't know how much he'd had, he claims not much but probably enough to be over the limit.
He ended up having an accident and writing my car off because he "turned the traction control off" and landed it in a ditch. He was un harmed.
This car was mine and worth a considerable amount of money and was now completely fucked. So thanks to his dickish behaviour I now had no transport (apart from my motorbike, which I didn't want to be riding on icy roads particularly), no way to get to work, etc, you get the picture.
Anyway, we got home and the police ended up knocking at the door at 2am because he had fled the scene and he got arrested. He was eventually released without charge but it was all a fucking mess and it pretty much broke us up.
I found out a week later I was pregnant with dd1.
I told him that if he wanted us to work that he needed to go to counselling to try to sort his head and behaviour out. He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week.
Things seemed to be going well again and he made progress with the counselling and our relationship has been fairly strong since. He has spent time with friends and avoided being a twat and drug, etc.
This last week has been tough, it was ds 1st birthday, I was obviously very emotional and upset. He was supportive and we muddled through it together. Then this week has been a bit stressful for him. We'd had an argument about money or something irrelevant and he's snowed under with work so working pretty much every hour he can.
I was working all day yesterday. I get a message from him saying he's been at work all day and wants to go out with some friends that evening, plans on staying over at friend's house and coming back this morning.
I say fine, I was happy to have a bit of time to myself anyway to be honest. I did have the gut feeling of something shit was going to happen though but it's not unusual for me to feel a bit shit when he decides he's going out.
I text him this morning at about 11am asking when he thinks he will be home. He replies saying he's on his was home but he's a bit of a mess.
Of course he's been drinking all night and done coke again, after well over a year of sobriety and two months before his daughter is due to be born.
I am angry, understandably. Also a bit numb. Feel like a mug and that he's just going to keep doing this for the rest of the time we are together if I keep forgiving him.
What the fuck do I do?
He's currently upstairs asleep.
I've told him I want him to leave but he says he can't drive at the minute, he needs to sleep and then he will get his things together and go somewhere.
Don't know where he will go as he doesn't really have anyone close to us here and no family.
The house is mine, mortgaged, he doesn't have claim to anything.
I don't really care where he goes to be honest but I think I need to be alone for a while to get my head around this.
He's said it was a mistake and it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. He claims that we are the most important people in his life, however I don't understand how you can do this to someone you care so greatly about.
For context, if it matters, he's 33 and I'm 25.
I just want advice. Would I be stupid to even try to forgive him for this?
I feel so numb I'm not even sure if I care.
Sorry it's so long and rambling.
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AIBU?
I need advice and help. Content Warning: drugs, stillbirth, general misery.
97 replies
OverAndOut9 · 27/05/2018 13:01
OP posts:
EspressoButler ·
27/05/2018 13:23
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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