I need advice and help. Content Warning: drugs, stillbirth, general misery.(98 Posts)
I've NC for this and fair warning it's LONG.
I need help, I'll try to tell as much if the story as poss to avoid drip feeding etc, my head is a bit all over though, so apologies if I miss anything.
So, I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with DD1. Had a stillbirth last year, DS1 was born sleeping at 38+2. It was his first birthday last week.
My relationship with the father of the children has been a little up and down over the years. We have been together for about 3 years now and are due to get married later this year.
In the history of the relationship there have been drink and drug issues on his part, coke is the drug of choice and featured heavily in his life just before he met me. I explained to him when we got together that I wasn't comfortable with the drugs and if he wanted to continue with them then for me that would be the end of the relationship as I simply didn't want anything to do with them. He accepted this, however there were a few occasions where he used again after we'd had arguments etc, he'd disappear sometimes all night with his friends, getting wrecked and it would transpire the next morning that he'd been on the stuff.
He has done a few disappearing acts with his friends over the course of the relationship which have been a source of great anxiety for me. He would often say he was on his way home and wouldn't return until the next morning, usual dick-ish behaviour.
It got to a point where he wanted to get off the drugs for good, obviously it strained our relationship and rightly or wrongly I didn't LTB, perhaps I should have at that point...
He asked me if he could live with me for a while so he could be away from the people and places he would associate with it. I reluctantly agreed to let him stay with me. The usage stopped and things were better.
Then, late 2016 I found out I was pregnant with DS1. We still had our own houses at this point. I was unsure if we should go through with the pregnancy given the unstable history of his father, but we decided to give things a proper go.
He sold his house and moved into mine. He set up his own company (which has been massively successful) and all seemed to be going well.
Sadly, as mentioned we lost DS, with no real explanation as to what happened.
Things were tough last year after he died but we got through things together. "D"P proposed to me just after DS was born and I said yes. It was very difficult for me to ever imagine a life with another man after what we had been through. That wasn't my only reason for saying yes, obviously I love him and when things are good they are amazing and I'm as happy as I have ever been if not more.
After DS was stillborn there were a few more disappearing acts. I think it was a week after ds was born, DP disappeared on his motorbike all day and wouldn't answer his phone. I eventually got a text from him at 3am asking me to pick him up, (he was 30 miles away) because he was too drunk to ride home. As I was worried about him I obliged and excused his behaviour because we had just lost our son. Obviously he was being a prick but grief does funny things to people.
Since then things have been uneventful. We started TTC again around a month or two after we lost DS, eventually falling pregnant again about 6 months later.
Wedding planning was going well etc, then over Christmas we had another "incident" - I was at my work's Christmas do. DP agreed he would pick me up.
I called him just before midnight for him to come and get me (I didn't know I was pregnant at this point). He answered the phone and said he would be collecting me with his friend, in his friend's car - It transpired that he'd been out drinking with said friend, don't know how much he'd had, he claims not much but probably enough to be over the limit.
He ended up having an accident and writing my car off because he "turned the traction control off" and landed it in a ditch. He was un harmed.
This car was mine and worth a considerable amount of money and was now completely fucked. So thanks to his dickish behaviour I now had no transport (apart from my motorbike, which I didn't want to be riding on icy roads particularly), no way to get to work, etc, you get the picture.
Anyway, we got home and the police ended up knocking at the door at 2am because he had fled the scene and he got arrested. He was eventually released without charge but it was all a fucking mess and it pretty much broke us up.
I found out a week later I was pregnant with dd1.
I told him that if he wanted us to work that he needed to go to counselling to try to sort his head and behaviour out. He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week.
Things seemed to be going well again and he made progress with the counselling and our relationship has been fairly strong since. He has spent time with friends and avoided being a twat and drug, etc.
This last week has been tough, it was ds 1st birthday, I was obviously very emotional and upset. He was supportive and we muddled through it together. Then this week has been a bit stressful for him. We'd had an argument about money or something irrelevant and he's snowed under with work so working pretty much every hour he can.
I was working all day yesterday. I get a message from him saying he's been at work all day and wants to go out with some friends that evening, plans on staying over at friend's house and coming back this morning.
I say fine, I was happy to have a bit of time to myself anyway to be honest. I did have the gut feeling of something shit was going to happen though but it's not unusual for me to feel a bit shit when he decides he's going out.
I text him this morning at about 11am asking when he thinks he will be home. He replies saying he's on his was home but he's a bit of a mess.
Of course he's been drinking all night and done coke again, after well over a year of sobriety and two months before his daughter is due to be born.
I am angry, understandably. Also a bit numb. Feel like a mug and that he's just going to keep doing this for the rest of the time we are together if I keep forgiving him.
What the fuck do I do?
He's currently upstairs asleep.
I've told him I want him to leave but he says he can't drive at the minute, he needs to sleep and then he will get his things together and go somewhere.
Don't know where he will go as he doesn't really have anyone close to us here and no family.
The house is mine, mortgaged, he doesn't have claim to anything.
I don't really care where he goes to be honest but I think I need to be alone for a while to get my head around this.
He's said it was a mistake and it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. He claims that we are the most important people in his life, however I don't understand how you can do this to someone you care so greatly about.
For context, if it matters, he's 33 and I'm 25.
I just want advice. Would I be stupid to even try to forgive him for this?
I feel so numb I'm not even sure if I care.
Sorry it's so long and rambling.
You would be silly to forgive him. You’ve forgiven him numerous times and his behaviour continues.
Personally I would think it better to get rid now than have to put up with this pattern of behaviour over the next few years. Whatever you do don’t marry him as he would then have a claim on the house.
Rinse and repeat
This will be your mantra if you stay with this guy. Over and over you have tried to find reasons for his blow outs. There is no reason, other than he wants to and will continue to do so no matter how much it damages both of you
Bringing a child into this mess would be a massive mistake
He did say this morning that "obviously" he'd never do this when the baby is born.
Surely if he can do it now then he will do it then too?
You deserve better and your baby certainly does. He won't change.
I am so sorry for you.
His latest excuse is that he's been stressed out and let everything get on top of him.
I'm stressed out too, still working 45hour weeks with horrific SPD and often on very little or no sleep because of the pain, heartburn and general delights pregnancy brings. I don't have any kind of release, I just get fucking on with it.
You need to forgive yourself for trying so long.
You need to forgive yourself for thinking he'd want to change his behaviour.
Your child will need you to be strong, and brave. You can do this.
One day if he cleans up his act, he can work on being a good parent. It's not your job to make him into that person.
Everyone needs a blow out and some headspace from time to time. His way of going about that seems rather extreme and not very compatible with family life.
I personally would have left him after the drinm driving incident, for me that is a line that I will not tolerate being crossed.
You have to decide if you want him in your life and are prepared to tolerate him doing this random disappearing acts, or if you don't want the stress.
It must have been so hard to lose your little one, and I can totally see why you've not left him before now.
When he's in a better head space and "normal" he's amazing. He's caring, loving, funny, we are basically like best friends. Then he has this side of him that seems to appear every 6 months or so and it just fucks everything up and I'm put in this shit position time and time again.
I think I know in the back of my mind that this is never going to stop.
I'm sad about it all to be honest. Perhaps I kidded myself into thinking that marriage and children and a happier family life would make everything ok. It's not looking that good now, is it.
I suppose this is the part where I think about my "self worth".
I just thought things would be so different for us.
Do NOT marry this man. If he wanted to change he would have done it along time ago.
That is a promise as old as the hills
This board is littered with the shatteted dreams of women who hoped that deadbeat partners would change once a baby arrives
The real truth of it is having a baby with a bloke like this changes nothing except to mire you further in the sunk costs
Congratulations on your pg and I hope all goes well for you and the baby. You would be wise to go it alone though.
He thought it was ok to drive drunk and wreck your car and flee the scene.
And he was coming to collect you, and you were TTC, & actually pregnant.
Throw him out.
If he chooses to clean up his act and become a decent man, perhaps he can have a good relationship with his child. But you need to LTB. I could never consider staying with a man that thought it was ok to drive drunk to collect me!
and I daren't even think about the amount of money lost on the wedding
I dont blame you for trying because he sounds like there are some very good things about him and that he has put some effort into changing for you.... but yes at the end of the day coke is what hes going to keep going back to at any possible excuse. And he is getting away with it because you keep forgiving him and trying again. At some point in his mind he is thinking 'I can do this again because xyz has happened and I am stressed so I have an excuse'
He sounds like he does care about you and his child so theres a chance that he will sort himself out in the future.... he wont do that however as long as he has excuses and someone to forgive him. He needs to do it alone, he needs to see actual negative consequences.
So I would make him leave yes.
I don't think it helps that to the outside world we seem like the perfect couple.
My sister has said to me before that she has never known a couple so in love as us.
I spoke to her a lot around the time of the car incident and she was the one who suggested therapy to me and asked if it was worth giving it a go. I was pretty much ready to split with him then to be honest and then I found out I was pregnant and I decided after many weeks of deliberation that I'd try to forgive him, again.
Also forgot to add:
the friend he was with last night isn't someone he sees all that regularly. I had my suspicions about him (the friend) and drug taking before but i've never met him and it was just off the impressions I got from what DP and some other mutual friends had said about him.
I feel like such a moron and really fucking disappointed. I knew from gut feeling that something shit was going to happen last night. I knew as soon as he fucking messaged.
Truth is I couldn't have stopped it could I. I think I'm trying to blame myself.
This is what he really likes doing. Youre flogging a dead horse, and youre going to end up in a really weird dynamic where youre the parent and hes some rebellious adolescent. You cant rely on this guy.
Id get out now x
its easier if you can blame yourself because then its in your control and you can do something to make it better....
But really its not your fault and its not under your control at all.
Very sorry about your DS.
Your DP is an addict. This isn’t a doomed romantic love story: it is you staying in a relationship with a drug addict. You have made some poor, self destructive choices and now need to step up for your own and DC’s sake.
If your sister knows the truth and gave you that advice she has some odd attitudes about relationships too, and her advice was off.
He is solely responsible for seeking help, if he wants to. You cannot cure him. You CAN look after yourself and your DC.
When you drew the line about drugs and behaviour, you made it clear. He was well aware of the consequences of ignoring your line and chose to drink and do drugs. The incident at Christmas would have been the final straw for many but you accepted he would change. He has not. He will not while the desire for drink and drugs beats his desire to stay in the straight and narrow for you and your child.
You know this won't change
You know you will always come second to his addiction
You know he will be sorry
You know you cannot trust him
You know this is over.
Your line has been crossed again and again and you must now protect you and your child from this.
Would you say it's likely to happen again - the drugs, after such a long break? He reckons it won't.
Although saying that he still did them last night after well over a year of not touching them. He's just trying to make excuses isn't he.
Sorry just thinking out loud a bit.
Right now, it's just you that he is disappointing. Soon it will be your daughter too. Don't put her in a position where she thinks that's just what Dad does
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