Everything has to be a major operation!!

[OnTheporch]

My personality clashes with that of MIL. She's very sociable, everything has to be a big "do", everything has to be military operated and perfected, everything has to be big and OTT. I'm anti-social, like to be left alone, everything is chilled out and small scale with as little fuss as possible. I also have BPD and ADHD so I simply can't operate at military level.

Problem is whenever we plan anything, MIL takes over and makes it into a massive "thing". A few years back we decided to have a little BBQ. MIL was invited and immediately took over, came around to our house early in the afternoon, brought huge bags of salads, crisps, sweets, bowls - and sent DH backwards and forwards to shops a million times for potatoes, meat, more crisps, more potatoes, more bread rolls - in the end we'd cooked two whole bags of potatoes, enough meat to feed Africa for a year, had enough bowls of crisps to feed a primary school and it was just ridiculous. She then ran around the house (our house!) washing skirting boards, hoovering up, bleaching toilets ... all the while nattering at me to help when I just wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear. It was just too much. So much got wasted and by the time the BBQ came I was so stressed out I'd drank endless cans of lager to keep my nerves in check.

This week DH had the idea of having a BBQ for his son's birthday. It was meant to be a quick 2 hour dinner in which MIL and BIL were invited. Naturally MIL took over, we ended up with pasta, crisps, sweets, garlic bread, endless faffing trying to get everything "perfect" and again, by the time it came to eating I'd lost my appetite and just wanted to get drunk.

She stresses me out man, I'm on edge whenever she comes around, she increases my anxiety 10 fold. DH bends over backwards trying to keep her happy but also senses my stress levels rising, which raises his stress levels and everything just ends up being stressful.

AIBU here? Should I just suck it up and try and be more sociable or is it ok to want to not change who I am during these ridiculous events?

[formerbabe]

I don't know but I'd love someone to come round and clean my skirting boards

[VogueVVague]

Sounds like she knows how to throw a party. Hows she asking you to change?

[Booboobooboo84]

If you were doing a simple meal would she behave the same? You could tell her it’s a meal then let her turn up to a bbq that she can’t monopolise. Your dh needs to talk to her and ask her to stop

[OnTheporch]

See I don't, I'm a very private person and don't even like people in my house. I do compromise on this obviously for social reasons but I find it stressful. To have someone rummaging around in my cupboards for cleaning stuff and then proceeding to clean my house is enough to tip my anxiety over the edge.

[VogueVVague]

Why not just invite her last minute?

[TERFragetteCity]

What did she do when you told her to stop it?

[Ohyesiam]

Could you do it as a “ surprise” so she only knows when she walk through the door? Or just invite her for when the food is all cooked?
Your dh needs to stop keeping her happy, he needs to focus more on what suits you in your house.

[frasier]

How does she have the time? I mean if she’s a guest and invited to eat 2.00pm and arrives at 1.30pm, how can she do all that stuff? Does she come early? Does she make you wait to eat?

In future don’t be there for these events. Go somewhere peaceful on your own and for your special events, choose what you want to do that does not include her.

[GreenTulips]

Your MIL is rude and it would stress me out as well - who thinks that can just take over?

DH needs to have a word and explain these are your events not hers - her job is to rock up and enjoy no more and no less

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Is this a reverse?