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AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

(390 Posts)
DontBreakMyCamera Sun 27-May-18 11:46:17

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

Maelstrop Sun 27-May-18 11:50:47

Do you think maybe you’re overreacting? I absolutely hate my picture being taken, I find it invasive and upsetting. He could definitely have been nicer about it and his wife is silly not to have told him to stop being a twat. Talk to his wife and ask if he was serious. Are you prepared to lose the friend?

BabiesDontNeedDaddies Sun 27-May-18 11:53:24

So you took his photo without permission he got annoyed then literally nothing else happened. Should have asked in the first place to avoid this type of thing happening

Frosty66612 Sun 27-May-18 11:54:10

I’ve known people who have had a very aggressive ‘sense of humour’ and clearly thought they were being funny by being as intimidating as possible and making someone look small in front of other people.
It’s a horrible way to behave and I hate when people try and palm off being a bully by making out they were just having a laugh.
I wouldn’t see them again if I were you. Life is too short to spend time with anyone who makes you uncomfortable

Candlelight123 Sun 27-May-18 11:54:45

It would feel very intrusive to me if you were snapping away when I was relaxing. I think you should specifically ask permission and bear in mind not everyone will be comfortable with it. Having said that the guy was overly aggressive do I fouls say you were both to blame to some extent.

JJS888 Sun 27-May-18 11:56:00

I hate having my photo taken and find it invasive and I never come out well. But there is a line and he crossed it. Regardless of the male/female dynamic, his behaviour is not ok. If he was normal he would probably have tried to smooth things out by explaining how much he hated having his picture taken. I would avoid these people, they sound awful.
But please also try not to be so over the top with the camera, some of genuinely hate it.

SayNoToCarrots Sun 27-May-18 11:56:20

I'd have asked him to leave.

Namastethefuckawayfromme Sun 27-May-18 11:56:29

He was a twat but I hate having my photo taken and have in the past lost my temper with people who don't respect that. I've never threatened anybody or their property though.

We live in a world now where everything is bloody documented with photos and people don't seem to understand that some of us have a real issue with it.

foodiefil Sun 27-May-18 11:57:41

'I'd like you to leave'

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates Sun 27-May-18 11:58:05

OP he was aggressive and rude. I wouldn't see either of them again. I ppossibly would have asked them to go to. Perfectly happy to sit in your garden, eat your food, drink your drinks then be so unspeakably rude for absolutely no reason. A simple "please dont" would have been enough from him. No need at all. Your husband is spot on.

foodiefil Sun 27-May-18 11:58:08

'I'm going to have to ask you to leave'

Guavaf1sh Sun 27-May-18 11:58:11

Regardless of the issues regarding how annoying it might be to have photos taken all the time around you it was a very aggressive response at someone else’s birthday party and he sounds a deeply unpleasant person. I would certainly not invite him again and make it clear why that is. YANBU

WowLookAtYou Sun 27-May-18 11:58:12

Regardless of his feelings about having his photo taken, his behaviour was appalling and no, I would not want to mix with him (and arguably her) ever again.
He must have known you were taking pictures, and if he really had an issue with it, could have asked you politely and with a light humorous tone not to snap him. Job done.
YANBU.

mancmummy1414 Sun 27-May-18 11:58:51

You were both BU. He was a bully and shouldn’t have acted the way he did. But imo there’s nothing that ruins a party for me more than a camera-obsessed friend taking pictures of everything without my permission. I’ve had a bad reaction to someone doing it too, but he shouldn’t have behaved the way he did.

foodiefil Sun 27-May-18 11:58:54

Ps. He was an arse hole I would have felt shit if I was you! So sorry this happened on your birthday thanks

FASH84 Sun 27-May-18 11:59:27

Do you think he was messing about and misjudged his tone?

Gemini69 Sun 27-May-18 12:00:24

He sounds like an arrogant Prick OP.. so he didn't want his photo taken.. easy.. delete the photo and apologise.. his behaviour however.. was not that of a simple annoyance.. following you and being quietly aggressive and threatening.. is a different thing entirely..

I don't understand why you would even consider being in this guys company again.... I'm with your Husband on this one lady flowers

Bakingberry Sun 27-May-18 12:00:57

YANBU, his behaviour was rude and aggressive. It's natural that people will be taking photos at a birthday and there are much more civilised ways to tell someone you don't want your photo taken. I'd have not been comfortable having him there.

Lacucuracha Sun 27-May-18 12:01:18

So you took his photo without permission he got annoyed then literally nothing else happened. Should have asked in the first place to avoid this type of thing happening

Except that he was obviously being intimidating and aggressive to the op, and his wife condoned it.

OP, you would be perfectly justified in never seeing these people again. No one should ever feel intimidated by a friend.

GalwayWayfarer Sun 27-May-18 12:01:37

Astonished that PPs think what he did was acceptable. If he didn't want his photo taken that's fine but there is no excuse for him to behave the way he did - his threatening and aggressive manner were totally unacceptable.

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to scale back from seeing them now - he doesn't sound like a good person.

Bombardier25966 Sun 27-May-18 12:03:43

There's nothing worse than trying to relax and someone is constantly taking photos. It's quite antisocial too, people want to talk to you, not your camera.

He overreacted, but you need to be more aware and realise how disconcerting it is to many people. At the next gathering put your camera away.

wishingitwasfriday Sun 27-May-18 12:04:36

If it was only two friends, their husbands and kids then a few photos at the beginning of the party would have sufficed surely? Why the need to keep getting the camera out. I understand if you are being paid to do so, but why not just enjoy chatting and relaxing with friends.
He may have been out of order but I hate having my picture taken, and would have left the moment it became apparent you were going to take pictures all day.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sun 27-May-18 12:05:35

His behaviour was both rude and bizarre, and his partner's acceptance of it is equally odd. Neither one of them would be invited again.

However, excessive photography at a relaxed party can feel intrusive, and has sometimes made me feel like I'm a prop in someone's carefully curated Facebook/Instagram life. So do bear in mind that some of us, without ever saying anything, find it a pain.

Candlelight123 Sun 27-May-18 12:05:47

I don't think his reaction is acceptable Galaway- the OP seems a little unaware of why people may not like pictures being taken though.

OneStepSideways Sun 27-May-18 12:06:21

I think you're overreacting. It sounds like the 'threat' was jokey but said in a way that made it clear he didn't want his photo taken. Many people get irritated when someone keeps taking photos and sneaking around with a camera. I think it's rude to keep photographing your guests when they're trying to relax! And you should ask permission first not wait for them to raise an objection.

I enjoy photography too but try to save it for special moments or a group photo shoot at the end. As a host your priority is making your guests feel comfortable and cared for, not using them to indulge your hobby.

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