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AIBU?

AIBU younger sister and boundaries

16 replies

Vogue100 · 26/05/2018 23:46

Hi. NC as may be outing.

I am the oldest of several siblings. We have no parents. One sibling has guardianship over youngest siblings. Youngest siblings spend weekend with Grandparents.
Spoke with younger sibling today. Just finished mock A Levels and going to another house party but coming back to Grandparent's house where I am staying.

Messaged sibling at 9pm asking what time to roughly expect them back etc. Heard nothing for two hours. Eventually heard back until after 11pm. Asked them what their plans were. Said they would be back but not until 3am. Given their age. I disagreed with this and asked them to be back at midnight (apparently only 10 minutes away so nearly an hour to get back). Tried to call guardian sibling but cannot get hold of them so made the decision for midnight.
I do not think that my sibling would be happy at the thought of this one returning at 3am drunk. Also elderly GM cannot sleep if one of us is out (her house, her rules).

AIBU for imposing a boundary on a 16 year old? We don't have parents so no-one else to speak to about this.
I'm annoyed with her as I feel she's taking the p. If there had been a pre-agreed time with the Guardian sibling then I would not have had as much of an issue but they would not have agreed to this. There's an age gap of 20 years between myself and said sibling if that makes a difference.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 26/05/2018 23:50

But if you're not her guardian so surely it's either up to the guardian or the grandparents as it's their house. I can understand where you're coming from, can you get in contact with the guardian at all and find out what their expectations would be?

Vogue100 · 26/05/2018 23:58

I don't want to wake my grandparents (GM is in bed but doesn't sleep properly until she will get in). Tried calling Guardian but they are on a night out but I believe that they would not be happy with the staying out till 3am scenario. I also feel that they would be unhappy with me if they knew that I was aware and went along with it.
Last time sibling went to a house party she tore a ligament in her ankle and ended up on crutches for two weeks.

OP posts:
Vogue100 · 27/05/2018 00:00

Now just had a message of her friend that she won't be back until 1am as she's getting a lift from someone's Dad but apparently she's only a ten minute walk away. Sounds like crap to me.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2018 00:02

I think I’d say to a teenage sister that it’s selfish to keep an elderly grandparent awake so late. I wouldn’t seek to parent them.

Dermymc · 27/05/2018 00:02

Not your circus.

Let guardian deal with it in the morning.

EveningHare · 27/05/2018 00:04

Yes it's annoying that she's not listening to you, but you're not the guardian. It's not up to you to police her. If you're worried, you need to wake the guardian

Elspeth12345 · 27/05/2018 00:11

It sounds like a really stressful situation for you.

Maybe talk to teenage sibling in the morning about it or ask guardian sibling to. It must be tough for your sister that she doesn't have parents when she's going through A levels and navigating teenage life. It's great she has older siblings to look out for her.

Should your guardian sibling not be aware of what's happening even when she's on a night out though?

Blackteadrinker77 · 27/05/2018 00:25

Not your problem

Also I did much, much worse at 16 and went on to live a great life.

Unless you feel she is being exploited in some way, back off a little.

Vogue100 · 27/05/2018 00:32

I know she's a teenager and it's a typical teenager thing to do. My biggest issue is that I don't feel that she has told her guardian the full story but only told me because she thinks I won't say anything. If they knew and were on board I'd keep my nose out but it's the secrecy I don't like. We've always tried to be open with as other as we look out for one another and I respect the Guardian sibling too much to keep things from them. If they found out that I knew she was going to be out until 3am plus and hid It, why should they trust me on similar matters? If she had said "I'm going to X, will be back by x and x' s parent is giving me a lift home". I would not have a problem. It's the deceit I have an issue with.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 27/05/2018 00:32

Golly. If my 16yo was out so late I would be very concerned. YANBU

WatcherintheRye · 27/05/2018 00:47

The trouble is house parties don't have formal invitations with 'carriages at midnight' on them. Maybe she didn't know what time it would be finishing? I'd cut her a bit of slack. She is nearing the end of Year 12, has just finished her mocks and wants to party with friends. She's 16, but must be on the verge of becoming 17, and will be 18 in little over a year's time.

Neither of my eldest 2 dc had curfews at that age, (unless they wanted me to pick them up!). In just over a year's time she will be an adult herself, so I think YAB a bit U, because this is all part of the process of building up to independence, isn't it? At least she communicated with you (eventually)!

Settle for 1am and don't give her too hard a time, even if you think she might have been a bit disingenuous. Until you speak to your older sibling, you don't know what they were told about the party.

Tinkety · 27/05/2018 00:57

she won't be back until 1am as she's getting a lift from someone's Dad but apparently she's only a ten minute walk away.

It doesn’t matter if it’s only a 10 minute walk away, she shouldn’t be walking anywhere alone at gone midnight (there’s no guarantee that anyone there would walk with her).

The problem here is that there was no pre-arranged curfew. You can’t arbitrarily decide at 11pm that she needs to be back at 12am unless you’re going to pick her up yourself, if she knew she had to be back by 12am then she could have made arrangements to get home safely in advance but as it was left open ended, she probably arranged to get a lift home with friend X whenever they left happened to leave.

goldentriangle · 27/05/2018 08:10

Surprised at the responses. Of course it's your business, you're an adult sibling and you care and are looking out for the best interests of a16 year old. If it was my child I would be grateful a responsible adult was keeping them safe.

EveningHare · 27/05/2018 12:22

But the 16 year old doesn't see the op as a guardian, the 16 year old sees the op as a sibling who 'can't tell me what to do' ( in the words of Zoe Slater, you ain't 'er muvver')

I remember being 16 and your words at that time would mean nothing - it's not that you aren't doing the right thing (except expecting her to walk 10 mins at midnight) it's a rebellion thing

SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 12:30

I think I'd go and get her. My dp would too. Guardian or not, you're the adult in the situation and it sounds like she's taking the piss of your DGP.

WatcherintheRye · 27/05/2018 14:01

I'm surprised at some of the responses on here not recognising that it is the most normal thing in the world for a 16, nearly 17 year old girl who has just finished exams, to want to go and party with her friends, and not have to be back by midnight!

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