Anger :-(

[definitelynotsupermum]

The last 4 months have been stressful with a new baby, a 2 year old and a 4.5 year old to deal with, I've been sleep deprived (obviously!) and overwhelmed with feeding issues and issues with the elder 2 room sharing and sleep. I become irrationally angry at the children and have shouted at them to try and make them stop what they are doing, or will pick them up to move them away from the situation more roughly than I usually would. I feel absolutely terrible, I feel like I'm failing them as I definitely am not being the parent I'd like to be and it's not their fault I chose to have 3 children close together :-(

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Watching as I am in the brink of fucking losing it tonight.

[definitelynotsupermum]

Ps I know I'm definitely being unreasonable - small children should NEVER be the source of my anger, I used to despair at my husband getting angry at the eldest 2 and now look at me!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut please share your experiences with me! I have been losing it more than I'd like, it's all very well planning to walk away or take a deep breath but in the moment I lose it completely!

[WittyJack]

OP, I know exactly how you feel. My little girl is the love of my life - and yet I get so cross with her sometimes now the baby is here, esp if I am breastfeeding and can't physically prevent her from doing whatever toddler shit she is doing to make a mess/try to kill herself/attempt to break something really expensive... then i remember when she was a baby and how I would never have believed I would ever shout at her and it makes me want to cry.

It's just hard. It's exhausting and you're just tired. You're doing a great job, but they can't tell you that, that's all

[definitelynotsupermum]

Thank you so much @WittyJack
I feel exactly the same. I look at their little faces and what they've done isn't all that bad at the end of the day, I mean who cares if the 4.5 year old puts pegs, a towel and his socks down the toilet 🙄
I really am run ragged but that's not their fault and what breaks my heart is how much they still love me and want to cuddle me when I've been so utterly horrid to them 😢

[tiredybear]

You sound like you're running on empty, so of course you're going to be far grumpier than normal. Sending hugs!
Do you get ANY time to yourself? You NEED it. I know that's easier said than done with 3 small children, but it should be a priority, so you can parent the way you want to, and everyone is happier. Even an hour, once a week, would be a good start.
Also, it's still early days, so your hormones are going to be a contributing factor too. Are you able to speak to anyone IRL about your anger? HV/Doc?
I had major anger issues when my DS was about 4months. Thought I was just a terrible parent, started self harming...spoke to the HV, then the doc, and it turned out my throid had gone mental!

[definitelynotsupermum]

Oh @tiredybear that sounds horrendous 😟 I am having CBT online counselling, so will definitely bring up the rage at the next appointment. I do try to get time to myself where I can. I really think exhaustion is most of the problem, I just feel so guilty which should be enough to stop it happening but it's not!

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Hey OP it’s over-reaction (for me).

Now this will make me sound like a twat but I think I’m relatively good with handling fractious children. But DD is absolutely possessed atm and this week she’s wilfully head butted DS (wilfully meaning she knows it’s naughty and just does it) plus she lobbed her cereal bowl onto my toe and it hurt like billy-o.

Both times resulted in the SCREAM (DO NOT DO THAT EVER), bulging eyes, pointy finger - all in the space of 5 maybe 10 seconds. Because I KNOW that it’s not an accident and it’s pain causing behaviour.

And yes I use the naughty step but I hate the spilt second of “losing it”.

I’ve never hit her. But when she head butted DS I did feel like it, honestly.

But not only is it fucking bang out of line to be violent whether raising your hand or screaming in their face, but it also makes you feel like SHIT.

I just get caught with my emotional pants down sometimes.

Plus DH gets the fall out when I feel so shit and upset. He’s getting it in spades right now.

[WittyJack]

I think perhaps there's also something hormonal to make you want to focus on the new baby; there's certainly a hefty measure of guilt whenever you spend more time with one of them.

I shouted at DD a few nights ago - she was jumping on a brand new chair and at serious risk of tipping it over and landing on the stone fireplace - but I was very loud. Her little face crumpled and she started screaming for daddy. I cried for about an hour after she had gone to bed (and long after she had forgotten and been cuddling me), but I read a bit about it for ideas and came across something comforting on a psychology website. It said, to keep a loving relationship, for every shouty episode, you need at least 5 loving interactions.

Even on a really grumpy day, when they are playing up and you feel like all you're doing is shouting at them, it's usually more like 100 nice communications to 1. That made me feel better!

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Ps: I’ve had a shit cold for three weeks and I cough about 70000 times a day: exhausting.

I rest my case

[definitelynotsupermum]

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut I hear you! My 4.5 year old bit the 2 year old so hard it bruised! It's just so wearing isn't it. Usually I just deal with it - time out, maybe the odd raised voice here and there but lately been doing the whole screaming thing etc, it is definitely not ok! I don't want to send these kind of signals to my children, I want them to feel loved and cherished, which I'm pretty sure they do but the 4.5 year old does say you were cross mummy etc

[definitelynotsupermum]

@WittyJack phew... we have tons of loving episodes, we love cuddles and snuggling up for a story, I'm always kissing them and telling them I love them, but still doesn't make it ok :-( they are so so lovely, but are pushing me to the limits!

[definitelynotsupermum]

The anger does make me feel utterly awful, it doesn't achieve anything at all!

[Storminateapot]

I'd be amazed if there are many of us whose children have never heard the sound of their anger (there will be the odd one, obviously). We are human beings not robots and children can sometimes shred your every last nerve.

I remember once on a day when I had definitely not covered myself in glory in the motherhood stakes sitting outside on a sunny evening and hearing through an open window next door-but one neighbour (a friend) giving it the whole 'screaming fishwife' routine with her kids. I realised I wasn't alone.

I think children will forgive & forget the odd less than stellar parenting moment so long as the overall feeling they get from you is love and security.

[MrsDilber]

This is what mumsnet is about at its core. Not feeling alone, knowing you're not failing, support.

[WittyJack]

Storminateacup - oh, for years my children had never heard me shout. I was always patient, managed to educate them into making good choices, and resolved all conflicts with gentle good humour.






Then they were actually born....!!!!!!

[Storminateapot]

wittyjack

[tiredybear]

You can only do your best! Definitely talk to your counsellor, they should be able to give you some advice on how to handle it in the heat of the moment.
Try to be gentle on yourself - guilt is tiring! We all lose our temper sometimes, and modelling how to come back from that - apologising etc- is a useful example for your children.
When I get pushed to the limit, I have to walk away. I go to a different room for a few minutes until I've regained control. I understand this is FAR easier with one child than 3 though!
Do you get ANY chance to catch up on a bit of sleep? What's your support network like?

[tiredybear]

so true wittyjack!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@WittyJack living up to your name 😂😂

Thank you so so much everyone, you're making me feel a lot better, I really have genuinely been vile and it worries me that I have been physically a little rough too as I would never lay a finger on my children usually. They are not in any harm I know and I would never ever hurt them but I've definitely been more physically rough than I should and I hate myself for it 😟 and the screaming at them!! Arghhh! My worry is that my children are so young and too young to be being screamed at!!! I used to work in a nursery and was obviously so patient with the children there and before I had my third I was mostly very patient with my 2 😟

[definitelynotsupermum]

@tiredybear I don't really get the chance to catch up on sleep, have some lovely friends and my mum pops over once a week ish, husband is great (when he's not winding me up or leaving his socks everywhere) but I think I'll just have to wait until Little one is sleeping through 🙄 annoyingly enough I couldn't get back to sleep after the night feed last night, grr!

[WittyJack]

Ha, the name is from "pirates of the Caribbean" - how I'd love to live up to being captain jack sparrow

The thing that has helped me to be more patient was actually really losing it. I realised I never wanted to feel like that again, and it has helped me to take a deep breath when she pushes all my buttons at once. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to come back up, if you see what I mean (disclaimer - I don't mean hit the toddler's bottom!!).

[Storminateapot]

I think PP who said modelling how to come back from it is right. Tell them you were angry and you are sorry for shouting, you love them etc. It's all learning experience - you got angry because they pushed boundaries and they need to learn where the boundaries are. Learning that pushing people too far makes them angry is also a lesson, albeit not a nice one for anyone. Discovering these things in what is essentially a safe and loving environment is part of life.

Children who are never told 'no' and who are allowed to push every limit without consequence can turn out to be unpleasant people with no regard for how their actions affect others.

[Mountainsoutofmolehills]

can you get some breath, create some space in your body. lie down, switch off and listen to a 10 minute yoga nidra. long slow breaths in and out of your NOSE will stimulate your parasymathetic nervous system.

What you are doing is really hard - this is normal to feel this way. You are doing really well. Give yourself a hug. This is not time for self cristism. This is survival.

[birdonawire1]

When you see the mess one of the little ones has created and feel anger rising just close your eyes and take 5 deep slow breaths in and out. It works really well at calming you down.

Try to arrange a babysitter or nursery to catch up on some sleep. Sleep deprivation is a killer.