So I have three close friends. One who I am incredibly close to, I’ll call her A. Last year A had a very tough time when her DH cheated on her and at one point left her. They are now back together. During this time I could not have been more supportive. I dropped all plans for my DS christening and immediately went to stay with her as she was bordering on suicidal. I got her out of the house, took her to GP appointments and just generally did whatever a good friend would do to make sure she was okay.
I also helped her out with some money (around £300) as she had none and at the time was taking legal advice. I haven’t got this back yet but I am not too worried as I know not to lend out more than you can afford to lose.
She fully credits me for all of this and often said she would have not survived if not for me and for the help of our other two friends.
Anyway I am not after a martyrdom as I believe that friends stick together in times like this.
Her husband and her are now making a go of things and concentrating on falling back in love. I have never said anything to him about the affair as she asked me not to and even though I would like him to know how bad things got she does not want him to know.
Last month I had a miscarriage quite late on (15 weeks). I have barely heard from A. She posts a lot on social media about going out etc and having fun with other friends. She texts me maybe once a week and has been over twice since.
I am aware I am in a different place to her as she has never experienced anything like this before and does not yet want children.
I have also heard very little from our other two friends (they are both single and younger so I think probably don’t know what to say to me although they have made some effort). I guess I feel most let down by her because we have been like sisters and now it is like she doesn’t need me so contact has dropped.
Aibu to feel a little let down and hurt? I could really have done with someone to talk to these last few weeks but maybe I just need to suck it up and accept she doesn’t really understand what I’m going through? Also I know she has to concentrate on herself and her marriage.
I have my husband and a very supportive family so I do have support.
Sorry this was so long.
AIBU?
Friends have disappeared
Amylou2357 · 26/05/2018 19:00
Amylou2357 I’m so sorry you have miscarried. It’s a truly dreadful loss to bear. It may be your friends just don’t appreciate how awful having a miscarriage is. All I can suggest is focusing on the bond with your DH for now and see how these friendships progress. I bet at least one of them will be truly sorry they didn’t step up for you now when they get to the stage of wanting/having a baby themselves. Take care. 
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss - it is bloody hard isn't it
Secondly, you are an amazing friend. It is clear from what you have done for her and even now how you are seeking to make sense of this and give her the benefit of the doubt. She and you both know this.
You don't say in your OP whether she's been a taker/user before so I'm assuming that she hasn't been cold, withdrawn and wrapped up in herself before her marital crisis?
Is it possible that you have hit the nail on the head about her current mental health state. Is there a possibility that she just can't allow your emotional needs in right now or she won't cope at all. I wonder somehow if it's also got to do with the fact that she is fighting so hard to keep her marraige alive (you don't say whether her husband is too!). Maybe seeing you/talking to you reminds her too much of the betrayal and how she suffered and pokes a hole in the paper she has used to cover the crack....
Of course, it's unfair on you when you need the emotional support now that she's maybe not in a place at the moment where she can reciprocate the support you so willingly gave. But maybe don't write her off just yet....?
Similar thing happened to me, I think my friend, or her husband, or both couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I knew about his indiscretions (she’d eventually confided in me and I supported her, but they didn’t split over it). Contact got less and less, then when I asked for support at a really difficult moment in my life, nothing was forthcoming. I saw her once more shortly after that and have heard nothing in over 2 years now.
I tend to think that cutting me out made it a lot easier for her to forget about what she’d gone through with her husband, so she sacrificed our friendship (perhaps at his behest, I don’t know) to make it a little easier to rewrite the history of her marriage and put that behind her. Sadly, there was nothing more I could do about that so had to accept that she’d made a choice and I needed to do the same, so I moved on, despite being pretty hurt by it. Another of my friends had a similar experience with an even longer time friend of hers, so it’s seemingly more common than we realise.
I don’t know if this is what’s driving your friends behaviour OP, all I can say is that you’re not BU to feel the way you do and if you need to talk, it may be just as helpful to seek support from people who have some experience of what you’ve been through (Miscarriage Association? MN parenting sections?) as friends, even well meaning ones, may struggle with knowing how to have that conversation. The may feel worried about saying the wrong thing if they’ve not had the same thing happen to them, so say nothing at all.
I’m sending best wishes to you and your husband 
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.
I do understand some of how you are feeling. After my father died I had almost no emotional support from friends at all. A couple of weeks later they all stopped mentioning it , with the notable exception of one lovely friend who would call round and give me the tightest hug ever. I didn’t need to go on at length about Dad, I just needed a bit of tlc. My world had changed and my friends acted as though nothing had happened. I think as a society we are completely shit as dealing with death and bereavement. My mother died not long after Dad and one friend called round two days later and sat there crying over her own mum, who had died a few years before ! I had to make her tea and I sat there shellshocked and quiet while she cried ! Honestly the reaction of my friends was one of the most shocking things about being bereaved. Grief is a long process, so when you are feeling most vulnerable and out-of-kilter with the world, everyone else seems to be having a high old time.
Do I think your friend is self centred and thoughtless ? Yes I do. But I also know that this is common. You could tell your friend that she has upset you, I think tha is the best way, but I was too cowardly ( and too grief stricken ) to do it. She might then think about it and make more of an effort. I think she is so caught up in her life that she isn’t thinking of yours, and I think your other friends are probably too scared to bring it up in case they “upset” you. So maybe just try telling your friends how sad you are, and that things are difficult. Something like “ I am really sad, this has been a very tough thing to go through” and then see how they respond ?
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