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To want sex!

(78 Posts)
imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 15:52:32

It's been a whole month since we had sex. And that was about a month after the last time we'd done it too. We are averaging about once a month- 6 weeks at the moment confused

He doesn't see an issue, he says he's tired, not in the mood etc. He spends his free time playing xbox when he's at home. When I ask he tells me to use my toy hmm he gets home from work about an hour before me so I'm convinced he watches porn and masturbates in this time.

I'm fed up. I'm not ridiculously horny or something but I do like the closeness sex brings. We only moved in together last year and sex became rarer after that. Is that normal? Is this what a long term cohabitation relationship is like?

YetAnotherUser Sat 26-May-18 16:00:39

Plenty of people go off sex, but if you have mismatched sex drives then it's highly likely to pose a problem in the long term.

You say he doesn't see it as an issue, what is his response when you tell him that it's an issue for you?

imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 16:02:14

He tells me to use the toy, or sometimes gets annoyed and cross. He says 'we did it a few weeks ago!' As if that's frequent enough. He also gets defensive and tells me to stop going on about it.

MapMyMum Sat 26-May-18 16:03:46

Stop asking, maybe put on some nice undies and seduce him, or get in the shower with him. If he outrightly refuses when you try this thrn I think there's a bigger problem, either depression or similar or he feels differently about you

YetAnotherUser Sat 26-May-18 16:04:36

Well nagging isn't particularly attractive, but unless you're asking all the time it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing.

His dismissive attitude sounds extremely worrying. What's the rest of the relationship like?

imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 16:06:45

@MapMyMum I've tried that and it doesn't work. He either gets annoyed (about things like the shower scenario) or says I look nice but that's it.

NotUmbongoUnchained Sat 26-May-18 16:07:15

I wouldn’t be able to put up with that but normal is different for everyone. From my experience no, it’s not normal for sex to become less frequent after you move in together.

TacoLover Sat 26-May-18 16:09:45

Tbh you sound like a bit of a sex pest, which would be a major turn off for me. Complaining about it isn't going to make him want to have sex with you, is it?

imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 16:12:49

@TacoLover I'm not a pest, I maybe bring it up once or twice a week but that's it. It's becoming less often as I know the answer will be no or it will cause an argument.

Babdoc Sat 26-May-18 16:13:07

Possibilities include:
He has someone else
He only likes novelty and you’re too familiar since moving in
He has lost his libido, due to either tiredness, depression or old age
He has some grudge against you and is withholding sex as a passive-aggressive retaliation
His libido was always lower than yours but he tried to match you in the early days when he felt more need to make an effort
He is gay and in denial
There are probably other possibilities, but those are the ones that spring to mind.
What do you think yourself, OP?

SparklyMagpie Sat 26-May-18 16:16:44

Tbh I wouldn't want sex with somebody who didn't want me

What do you genuinely think his reasons are?

Sorryisjustaword Sat 26-May-18 16:16:58

If he’s like this after only a few months, think ahead to when you’ve been together 5 years, how will you feel about it then?
You need to have a proper talk with him after you’ve hidden his xbox, if this is how he wants your lives to be then you have a decision to make.
If you leave it , it’s likely to start eating you up and then you’ll find yourself angry at him for other things and you won’t care how hard he works or how tired he is, you’ll just be angry at him all of the time.
Do you really want to just have sex twice a year?

MuddyForestWalks Sat 26-May-18 16:18:50


Seriously it won't get better, it really won't.

imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 16:18:59

I don't think he has anyone else as he's always here.

I think it's either a loss of libido or maybe he finds real life sex boring compared to porn? I just don't know.

MrsHappyAndMrCool Sat 26-May-18 16:25:06

I think it's either a loss of libido

^ I think this is the reason behind it.

NewYearNewMe18 Sat 26-May-18 16:25:26

Is he over weight, have undiagnosed diabetes, low blood pressure, heart problems? He may well be in denial that he has a health problem.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 26-May-18 16:27:14

I havent had sex in 9 years.

I had lack sex in my last relationship and it was shit. You might just be incompatible.

SoapOnARoap Sat 26-May-18 16:29:14

I’d get out OP it won’t get any better. Virtually sexless relationships are pointless if one of the parties involved wants more

Orangecake123 Sat 26-May-18 16:32:16

You need to have a serious talk with him.Telling you to just use a toy isn't okay. Is he still affectionate in other ways?

Introduce a bit of fun- book a weekend away?

BeyondRedYNWA Sat 26-May-18 16:33:07

Babdoc, you missed out the 'death grip'...

That's the one I'd put money on, OP, especially as you're already suspicious that it's porn/wanking related... sad

HenbaneRiver Sat 26-May-18 16:34:11

Have you tried doing more around the house?
If you have children are you doing more with them to give your partner a break?
You're not entitled to sex you know, your partner doesn't have to do anything they don't want to.

Shhiiitttt. Just seen you're female and he's male. That explains why the majority of posters see it as his problem and the normal advice (see above) hasn't been mentioned. Good old mumsnet. smile

StormcloakNord Sat 26-May-18 16:34:56

I could have written this about my ex.

He was never up for sex and we averaged once every 3/4 weeks and that just got fewer and fewer. I felt unattractive, unloved and it really took a toll on my self esteem. I suppressed my sex drive and convinced myself (stupidly) that it was normal and I just wanted sex too much.

He eventually left, he was never really 'in' the relationship, barely any sex was just a symptom of that.

DP has shown me that my sex drive isn't abnormal, we both have a normal sex drive and it averages around 3 times a week, he'd happily have it more.

Don't settle for this, you're worth more.

eddielizzard Sat 26-May-18 16:35:42

haha HenbaneRiver too true.

imeanreally2 Sat 26-May-18 16:36:17

@NewYearNewMe18 he has type 1 diabetes

TacoLover Sat 26-May-18 16:37:31

This isn't to do with you OP but I've noticed on all the threads men start about the lack of sex, they're told to use their hands and get on with it. Interesting that when it's a woman the replies are different.

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