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Access to my children

(135 Posts)
4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 14:41:23

Hi I'm a mother of 5, my ex partner has stopped me from having contact with my three youngest children. This is destroying me and I honestly don't know what to do. Details below

In 2016 I had a mental breakdown which caused me to be unable to care for my children so instead of social services removing them from my care I placed my children in the care of their fathers. My eldest two with my ex husband and my youngest three with their dad my ex partner.

I was having regular contact with all my children but I was unable to have them overnight due to my living arrangements, but everyone knew and understood. Then in Feb of 2017 I started living with my new partner. Although my mental health was getting better I was now having other health problems which put me in hospital for nearly a month.
October 2017 I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease which is life limiting and also terminal.
Due to this condition I find it very difficult to not only look after myself but I also find the most easiest of tasks nearly impossible.

So down to my problem. Me ex partner (father to my three babies) has decided to stop me from seeing my children. He over the last few months has made some demands of which I cannot accommodate. Things were ok the beginning of this yeah when I was helping hi m and his new partner out with money, furniture etc, this wasn't just for my children it was for them too.

Just before Easter things started to get really bad, I was unable to help them as much financially and was having difficulty getting to my children (who he had moved 40 miles away from me the July before) and because they were now without a car they were demanding that my partner pick the children up and drop them off. My partner had no problems in doing this but it put a lot of strain on him as he works 6 day a week and around 12 hours a day.
I told my ex that we would have to sort something else out due to the strain it was not only putting on my ex but also on my health. My children are not the best behaved atm due to them being allowed to practically what they wanted for so long after moving in with their father.
That's when the demand for money started, I was informed that I should be paying maintenance for my children and therefore he wanted £40 off me. I have no problem whatsoever about helping my children with anything, but there was no way I was giving my ex partner money for my children when he wasn't intending to spend it on them.
It was also demanded that I have my children every other weekend from Friday until Sunday, which I would love to but purely and simply my health doesn't allow me to. After having my children for a few hours wears me out to the point I could actually sleep for a day trying to recover.
The arguments went back and forth over days via messages and telephone calls, my children (aged 7,6&4) were all in formed by their father that I wasn't seeing them until I did what he asked and my children were then on the phone to me questioning why I wasn't doing what their dad was asking. Now try telling 3 young children that I am poorly to the point of I'm dying is not something I want to do. So I explained it the best I could which then made me look to be the bad parent.
Eventually we came to an agreement that I would have my babies once a month from Friday until the Sunday, my ex would bring them to me and I would get them back. I also said I would buy my daughters gluten free food (of which they were not doing because 'they could not afford it')
Well this happened once at the beginning of May. My babies were then due to see me the weekend after the May bank holiday.
During one of my daily calls to my children my ex told me that the pair of shoes I had brought my daughter only two months before (because her father couldn't afford any) were broken. So I said well I'm sorry but you get their money so you can buy them.
I then received a message after tell me how out of order I was and that he has now decided I need to not only give him £40 a month and have my children every other weekend otherwise I was no lingering seeing them.
So here it goes again, he is doing it all over again. I'm on PIP because of my illness but nothing else as my partner works full time, I have tried explaining this to him but all he says is well you may not have to but should want to pay for your kids. Now as much as I would love to I just cannot afford it. My partner works but has to take time off when I really ill, such as the week before this all happened I was in hospital for a week and he had to have the week off work.
To my ex I'm being unreasonable because I wont give him the money he wants and I wont have my children.
I would love nothing more to be able to have my children more often. I would love not to be ill and have them back with me, but unfortunately we don't always get what we want.
My ex had previously told me that when I am towards the end he will not allow my children to see me, and if I want to see them I will have to make my way to them and take them out.
My children hear everything that goes on in their house, they know when me and their father are arguing and they know the ins and outs of whats going on because he or his new partner tells them, but they always make out that I'm the one who doesn't want to see them when that's not the case at all.#
My 6 year old daughter once said to me after I became too ill to have them overnight that 'I should be ashamed of myself' now you tell me what 6 year old would actually come out with that.
My ex doesn't work and has never been able to hold down a job for more than 6 month, his partner is on benefits so my children are now questioning me why my partner cant be here when I have them. Ive explained that its because he is working and they then ask well why is he working. They don't even know what it really means to see someone working because their dad has never really worked since they were born.
Not only does my ex receive Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits for my children, they also receive ESA full housing and council tax benefit and yet still cannot survive and provide everything they should for my children.
So in summery my ex partner has stopped me from seeing my children because I wont have them more than I'm capable of having them and because I wont give him an extra £40 ontop of the money I give him for the gluten free foods of which I'm paying for when I shouldn't have to.

I really need some help and advices as to what I can do. Both myself and my babies father have parental responsibility

Any advice will be gratefully received but please if you are going to criticise don't, I do enough of that to myself without having strangers doing it to

TopBitchoftheWitches Sat 26-May-18 14:47:56

Go through the CMS and pay for your children's upbringing.
Child maintenance goes towards keeping a roof over their heads, electricity, gas, school trips and all sorts.

Bombardier25966 Sat 26-May-18 14:53:57

Do your children have coeliac disease, and if so are they not able to get some foods on prescription? If they don't have coeliac, they don't need specialist foods.

You do need to pay maintenance to your ex partner. You can mutually agree that is the money you spend on their food, but at present that is your choice only. As the children are resident with them, it would be them that decide what the maintenance is spent on.

If you want a more formal arrangement you'll need to go to mediation.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 14:54:28

I have been in touch with them and because I only get PIP I don’t have to give them anything. My partner pays all the household bills where we live I pay all my own bills. Which leaves me with very little and that I use on helping my children go on trips etc
Plus I was already paying for their gluten free food but he wants more off me

Buzzlightyearsbumchin Sat 26-May-18 14:54:44

Go through the CMS and pay for your children's upbringing.


You have a lot of reasons why you can't do things and a lot of reasons why he is a bad person, but he's the one there doing everything for the kids and providing for them while you are choosing the parts you provide for, he stepped up and took the kids full time and sounds like he is making the best of a difficult situation with very little support from you.

You could pay a couple of hundred pounds and get a court order, but you would probably have to commit to every second weekend at least.

redexpat Sat 26-May-18 14:55:15

You need legal advice. From a family solicitor, not strangers on the internet. Your circumstances are out of the ordinary. But I would guess that you need a court order to get regular access. Going theough the cms as a pp suggested would also be a good idea. Youve tried to come to an agreement and it isnt working.

ExecutiveDiamondBossBabeHun Sat 26-May-18 14:55:30

Sorry OP I agree with the poster above that you should be contributing. I know it can be frustrating when you don't feel the money is being used correctly but £40 is a very tiny amount towards three children and the food, water, clothing, electricity etc etc. Mine cost me more in clubs per week. Pay that and then try to explain to your ex that you are unwell and you truly believe it would be better for the children to have a good relationship wih you (because you are right, what your little one said is clearly coming straight from their dad and that is not on). If that fails you need to seek legal advice to have visitation put in place. It sounds like a dreadful situation and I am sorry for you.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 14:56:22

It was agreed that me paying for their food was the maintenance. But now he wants more and is refusing to let me see my children because I won’t give it him

abbsisspartacus Sat 26-May-18 14:57:15

If your on pip are you even legally obliged to pay?

gobbynorthernbird Sat 26-May-18 14:58:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 14:59:48

This I would love to do but I am terminally ill and it limits my abilities to look after myself let alone three young children. What am I supposed to do agree to have them and then them be in a situation where their mother is incapable of caring and looking after them properly. Does that really sound like the best option?

Aprilmightbemynewname Sat 26-May-18 15:00:07

You need a solicitor. ASAP.

Bombardier25966 Sat 26-May-18 15:00:13

Your circumstances are out of the ordinary

They're not at all, except that it would normally be the father writing the above.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 15:01:22

I would agree with the long term sick for my ex’s partner she has mental health issues of which I can relate but he, is not ill and is capable of work. He just refuses to because he is lazy.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 15:03:50

Maybe this is the case for some but when I had the children before my break down I never expected anything from my ex when he was on JSA except I only asked he provided what was needed for them when they were with him. I never once stopped my children having contact ie phone or physical with their father as in my eyes they need both parents

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 15:04:56

Yes my children have celiac and no, you can no longer get gluten free food on prescription where they are living

TacoLover Sat 26-May-18 15:07:17

Your ex is parenting three children full time. I wouldn't call that lazy.

BeyondRedYNWA Sat 26-May-18 15:07:47

"You bang on about being ill"

What a bloody disgusting thing to say to someone who has said they are terminally ill! shock

I think you do need specialist advice OP. It is not fair to say this situation is common but reversed, as very few of the feckless awol fathers are too ill to have their children for consecutive days and are dying.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 15:07:54

He is bringing up my children and I give support where and when I can. I have offered to pay for what the children need etc but he just wants more and more. Every time something is agreed upon he then changes his mind and wants more. I also have two other children that I have to contribute to.

HeebieJeebies456 Sat 26-May-18 15:08:11

I was informed that I should be paying maintenance for my children
That is legally correct.
You can always check for yourself what rate you should be paying.
You can't dictate how he spends this so long as the dc are being provided for.

It was also demanded that I have my children every other weekend from Friday until Sunday
Regular contact and having a routine in place IS best for the dc.
What ideas do you have re contact and spending quality time with your dc?

I'm sorry your health is suffering, however, i'm surprised that you can make the time and find the energy to pursue a romantic relationship but can't do the same for your dc.

Bombardier25966 Sat 26-May-18 15:08:43

He's not stopped contact. You just can't mutually agree how much time and how much maintenance you should pay. Does your husband not want to help with the costs of bringing up the children?

And it doesn't matter how much you did or did not expect from the father when you had custody. That was years ago.

I'm sorry that you're so ill, it's a terrible situation to be in. But you seem to want everything to work around you. It doesn't. The father's responsibility is to the children, and you need to find a way to spend a decent amount of time with them and to pay towards their upbringing.

ThisMustBeMyDream Sat 26-May-18 15:08:53

Is anyone actually reading the OP? Fucking hell.

She's terminally ill.

She's on pip.

She is not legally obliged to pay any maintenance. It's a nil assessment.

OP. My heart goes out to you. What a dreadful situation. My advice would be to make an application for a child arrangements order. The form is c100. Your circumstances mean that this should be looked at quickly. There is an an online calculator to see if you will be entitled to reduced or no court fee. Personally I wouldn't bother with legal representation. You are being reasonable with what you are asking.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Bombardier25966 Sat 26-May-18 15:10:24

as very few of the feckless awol fathers are too ill to have their children for consecutive days and are dying.

You're suggesting the OP is a feckless awol mother?

That is what you've just written.

Nicknacky Sat 26-May-18 15:10:30

Why is he lazy when he is caring for three young children and with a partner who is suffering from mental health issues?

You need to contribute regularly and without complaint.

4evaalways Sat 26-May-18 15:10:41

You may not think it’s lazy but there are many single parents out there that not only parent their children but also hold down jobs. He is not a single parent and he refuses to get a job that’s why I call him lazy. I was with him for 5 years and he had a job for all of 6 months of our entire relationship. I’m sorry you don’t see it how I do but I know him personally

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