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To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

(413 Posts)
Luckything50 Sat 26-May-18 09:42:09

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

SoWakeUp Sat 26-May-18 09:45:47

I find it odd that you've not mentioned the legislation regarding under age sex at any point in your post!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 26-May-18 09:47:26

I’d be discouraging it. They are too young. But yes, I’d tell her Mum.

SexyManatee Sat 26-May-18 09:47:30

I think you're morally obligated to, but I think I'd tell my son that I'd seen the messages and that's what must happen first.

Yes, referring the legislating when talking to son.

I think he deserves the heads up rather than being ambushed.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant Sat 26-May-18 09:48:25

I'd be seriously discouraging my son from this, he's putting himself in an enormously risky position for allegations if they go ahead and the girlfriend has regrets after the event. You also seem to imply that the girlfriend is younger than him at possibly 12, its that true? In which case I'd be banning him from contacting her at all frankly.

Stormwhale Sat 26-May-18 09:48:30

I think I would be having a frank conversation on how sex complicates relationships and how it is hard for young teens to cope with the added dimension to their relationship. I would also be having a very clear conversation on consent, privacy within a relationship (ie don't humiliate your girlfriend by talking about this with all your friends), pregnancy, and about how there is no turning back once it's done. You only get one chance to lose your virginity and a huge amount of people wish they had waited.

I would also want to talk about the difference between porn sex, and real relationship sex. I would be spelling it out that many women would feel completely degraded to be treated in the way women are in porn. I would want to talk about whether ds is ready to be a father, as even practicing safe sex, there is always the chance. Both teens need to be aware of all the risks associated with having sex.

I think the gut reaction is to immediately freak out, but a calm conversation is going to be more useful. No, they shouldn't be having sex, they are too young, but if they are determined then they will anyway and at least you will have had a useful talk with him. But yes I would also speak to the girls mother so she can do the same.

BackToTheFuschia7 Sat 26-May-18 09:48:32

The law doesn’t seek to prosecute two closely aged young people who have sex Wake

It’s there to protect young people from those much older than them, taking advantage.

cansu Sat 26-May-18 09:49:01

It is up to you but you will then have to come clean about your access to his instagram account! Maybe you would be better discussing the issues more generally with your son and asking him to check that his grilfriend has done the same with her parents.

Zcarter Sat 26-May-18 09:49:02

If you can’t have a conversation about condoms you are too young to be having sex!!!!!

Also it is statatory rape please make your son awear of the possible consequences

ScrubTheDecks Sat 26-May-18 09:49:33

First of all you should be talking to your Ds!
He actually sounds more cautious. Tell him they can wait. Remind him of the age of consent.
Suggest the gf should discuss it with her Mum if she is thinking of going on the pill.

rogueantimatter Sat 26-May-18 09:50:56

How old is bis gf?

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 26-May-18 09:51:25

I don't think you can ask them not to-they'll do it anyway. You did the right thing discussing condoms with your son. Just ensure he has some. However, he does need to practice with them, iyswim.blush

It doesn't hurt to message the other mum and just ask her to have chat with her daughter and ensure she's on the pill long enough.

As the girl is going on the pill and they are weighing up the risks, it sounds like they are being sensible about it.

mrscraig Sat 26-May-18 09:51:55

As the mother of a 15 year old girl, I would want to know. Not because I'd be angry or wanting to ban them seeing each other but because I would be looking out for my daughters welfare. They are below age of consent.
It's incredibly unfair on the girls mother that you are in the position of being fully aware of what is happening and she is not. I would imagine much anger would be directed at you for knowing the full facts and not telling her, if they do go ahead. I know I would be livid.

SexyManatee Sat 26-May-18 09:52:39

The DD is 14. It's in the title.

ScrubTheDecks Sat 26-May-18 09:52:39

How old is the gf?

I don’t think you should tell the Mum, teens need their privacy and you will lose all access to open conversation and trust with your boy if you go behind his back like that.

EggysMom Sat 26-May-18 09:52:59

The age of the daughter is in the thread title! She's 14 too.

DontTouchTheMoustache Sat 26-May-18 09:55:17

Op as PP have said the laws are in place to protect those much younger from abuse however to protect your son keep a copy of the messages where his gf has consented just in case. Bad things happen and people make up lies.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 26-May-18 09:57:12

It's not statutory rape if they are both underage. I'm assuming the girl is the same age as your son ??

Pengggwn Sat 26-May-18 09:57:23

It sounds like you have been far too liberal with your DS to me. You should be telling him very clearly that they are below the age of consent, what they are planning isn't legal and yes, you are telling her mum.

The part of your OP where you use a laughing emoji is the part that I find strange. This isn't funny. They are too young.

BillywilliamV Sat 26-May-18 09:57:37

Legislation isnt that relevant when you have this situation staring you in the face, she`s not going to shop her son to the police!
I dont think theres much you can do, give your son some condoms. I asked my 14yo dd about this post. She says you cant stop them but its quite hopeful that theyre discussing it before hand as she is more likely to be prepared. Its all a nightmare isnt it?

Pengggwn Sat 26-May-18 10:01:09


But the other parent might.

incorruptibledream Sat 26-May-18 10:01:16

I don't think it's the end of the world. Talk about condoms is all you can do. If they feel they want to they will. No point getting stressed out about it and losing all trust.

RainySeptember Sat 26-May-18 10:01:19

I wouldn't disclose that you have access to his account - he will be embarrassed and furious, and shut down that avenue of communication.

I also wouldn't tell his gf's mother. Were none of you ever 15? I can't imagine another parent contacting mine in similar circumstances at that age. I would have been mortified and my parents would have been furious. It honestly would have been far more damaging to me than underage sex.

I would have a serious talk with your ds about the consequences, implications and responsibilities of a sexual relationship, discourage it as far as possible, do what I could to minimise any time they have alone.

Should the opportunity arise to talk to gf's Mum I would raise it as a consideration or concern, nothing more, and I'm sure she's already thinking that it could be on the cards.

You won't talk them out of it, no possible argument will talk horny teenagers out of sex, but you can make sure he's aware of the ramifications, knows how to access contraception, knows that you disapprove at this age.

SilverHairedCat Sat 26-May-18 10:01:58

You need to tell your son this isn't appropriate. From what you're saying, she's the instigator, but he doesn't have to agree any more than she doesn't.

Whilst it's good that they are planning contraception, and you've had the conversation with him about such things, they are still too young IMO.

Yes, I'd talk to her mother about your concerns.

That said, better that they are doing it safely and with people's knowledge than secretly and unsafely.... Gah, I'm no help.

Pengggwn Sat 26-May-18 10:02:12

I really hope your access to his chats with his girlfriend is known to him, OP. It is an awful thing to do to your son to read his private conversations without his knowledge.

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