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AIBU?

AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

252 replies

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 08:45

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go....HmmShock I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not HmmConfused obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off Hmm for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one Hmm you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! HmmHmmHmm with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me HmmHmm" I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

OP posts:
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 08:49

So youre an adult woman and your mum gives you free childcare and has organised a situation where you dont meed to come up with a deposit or pay interest rates but will end up owning your owm home?

And you think shes a bad person?

FFS.

Why didnt you just organise a babysitter so you could go to yoir event?

HellenaHandbasket · 26/05/2018 08:53

She sounds unhinged.

Mookie81 · 26/05/2018 08:53

She's a bitch plain and simple. Very manipulative and mad at your DP because he won't take her crap like everyone else.

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 08:53

Not fully the situation as I haven't gone into great detail in terms of how we set up the house arrangement; but it's not fully as you see it Vogue. And if I'm totally honest with you I don't want to discuss what rate we repay or what down payment we contributed ourselves.

In relation to childcare; was a last minute invite so too late to organise anything else. And as you're aware I commented stating that neither her or DF are obligated to have LO, not having childcare really isn't the base of my post but more why did DM react as she did!

OP posts:
Badumdumdum · 26/05/2018 08:53

Your mum is in the wrong and sounds horrible.

cloudtree · 26/05/2018 08:54

Erm leaving aside the ridiculousness of the argument... You need to look very carefully at the housing situation. Is there a written agreement in place that when you've paid the equivalent of the value of the house (at what point in time is the value calculated) it becomes yours? You will be dependent on your mother gifting it to you (she could easily just say no) and there will be stamp duty, legal fees etc to pay...

hammeringinmyhead · 26/05/2018 08:54

Haha. Yeah, ignore the above poster spectacularly missing the point.

Not only was there no need to scream at you down the phone, but I can't believe they came to the house and carried on when you are 18 weeks! Nothing excuses that. I totally understand your DP losing his rag.

ChasedByBees · 26/05/2018 08:55

Is the legal arrangement with your house sorted?

Unlike the previous poster I don’t think you should be grateful for a Mum who screams at you even though she can see you’re crying over something so trivial.

MrsBertBibby · 26/05/2018 08:55

Your mother sounds like a complete loon, and an absolute bastard. Your dad sounds no better.

Has this house arrangement been formally drawn up? Because if not it sounds like an absolute car crash waiting to happen to me.

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 08:56

Yes Mookie; that's how I see it!

DF wouldn't dare go against her if she says black is blue he agrees even when he knows full well she's wrong!

My childhood was a lovely happy one but we always did what DM wanted; as in we'd go somewhere if she decided she wanted to go there. And I suppose cos DF has always wanted to please her as children we followed suit; now obviously I'm an adult with my own mind and opinion I suppose I'm not as conforming as I once was and maybe she doesn't like it?

OP posts:
ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 26/05/2018 08:56

Ignore Vogue, she's clearly insane.

Is there a watertight legal contract in place regarding the house, because if not you're throwing money down the drain - I'd guarantee it that she won't sign over the house voluntarily otherwise. And the comment about your adoption well, to me that's unforgivable and I'd be gluing no contact. You need to think long and hard about where you go from here, its a turning point.

Velvetbee · 26/05/2018 08:56

They sound horrible. It doesn’t matter if they own your home they shouldn’t treat anyone like that. Never ask them for support again they sound batshit.

Bratsandtwats · 26/05/2018 08:57

I hope the house situation has something in writing to cover you all?

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 08:58

Yes house situ is all very legal and solicitors involved with written up agreements etc.

DP and I plan on getting a mortgage to effectively buy out DPs and in turn they have no hold over us. If they refuse contractual agreements in place so we can walk away unscathed and buy something else!

OP posts:
8pinksnails · 26/05/2018 08:59

I hope all this screaming didn't happen in front of your LO!

Happygolucky009 · 26/05/2018 08:59

Wow I would be looking to move.....

oddquestion100 · 26/05/2018 08:59

She sounds awful and extremely backward in her thinking re adoption. You were quite right to stand up to her and so was your partner. If she's going to make a habit of this you will have to move. Essential to be able to lock the door and have some boundaries. You can't use her for childcare.

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 08:59

No LO was in school thankfully; DF finishes work early on Fridays hence the reason he arrived with DM!

OP posts:
KaosReigns · 26/05/2018 09:00

Vogue, did you even read the post?! You seem to be overlooking the half hour of screaming for no apparent reason, or do you think that helping her with accommodation and child care gives her the right to treat someone that way?

Op sorry I don't have any advice. I think you were right to cancel the event consider what she had said, had she said yes and your gone it would simply be another sick to beat you with. You said your father was yelling too, but then he seemed to help at the end, where do you think he stands in this?

I think distance and no more favors is there way forward. With the house your quite tired to her but you don't need to give her any more ammo. Enjoy your pregnancy and I hope she doesn't ramp it up too much as your pregnancy progresses.

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 09:00

Forgot to add; DP always collect LO from
School on a Friday - LO loves it and DPs always lead me to believe they do too! Anyhow, DF phones an hour after said fiasco and asks "shall DM and I collect LO from school?" They never ever ask and always just do it! I replied "no thanks" and collected LO myself!

OP posts:
Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 09:03

Well DF either didn't join in after the first few minutes of arriving for one of three reasons I see it;

  1. he knows DM was in the wrong!

  2. he wouldn't dare go against DM

  3. he was scared DP would punch him if he started too...DP would never ever dream of hitting DF so I sincerely hope it wouldn't be because of this!
OP posts:
museumum · 26/05/2018 09:03

Your mum has serious issues and there’s no way she’ll let go of that house if it’s her only real hold over you. Be prepared for a huge legal battle, even if you do have a legally binding agreement and lawyers involved.

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Lweji · 26/05/2018 09:04

Did you have to ask?
Of course she's BU.
Your DP did well to shield you from her.

The most important question, though, is what happens next. Whatever happens don't apologise.
I'd also detach from them and not ask for any favours at all, if you regain any sort of relationship.

Ps- YABU to be painting walls pregnant. All those fumes. It's a job for the non pregnant partner. Wink

CrikeyGinger · 26/05/2018 09:05

She does sound unhinged. And you’ve got the measure of her completely when you say she likes you to be dependent on her.

She’s said some terrible things. Especially about the adoption.

Anyway, your DP sounds great. Obviously you mustn’t ask her for anything ever again! I live in another country from all of our family so we’ve never had anyone to help us with our dc. You get used to it.

Gracie2906 · 26/05/2018 09:06

Thank you for the handhold ladies!

I need to get LO ready for football now; I promise to keep checking back at this thread from the sidelines xx

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