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That after a year I haven't met my DP's family

(73 Posts)
justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:09:32

So I've been with my DP for a year. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he still hasn't told his family about me? I've met his kids once during an 'impromptu' visit but they don't know I'm his girlfriend. He hasn't met my family either but mine know about him. It's his 40th coming up and I imagine this will be the 2nd birthday (aswell as 2 Valentine's Days and one Christmas) where my cards and 'stuffed' in a draw away from sight. Before anyone says it he's definitley not in another relationship.

Wolfiefan Fri 25-May-18 23:11:33

He may not be in another relationship but in what way is he your partner?
What are his reasons for failing to involve you in his life?

UserV Fri 25-May-18 23:11:46

That is super weird. I met my partner (now husband's family) a week after I met him, and stayed at their house (sleeping in his bedroom) after a month!

What is he hiding? Ask him if he is ashamed of you.

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:17:14

We see each other several times per week, once per month spend the weekend together and text each other throughout most of every day on and off.
I know he is worried about the kids meeting me which is understandable so I've cut him some slack because of that. They have now met me and know I exist but he's not making any suggestions or attempts to move things forward with that. Last weekend he had a bbq. I probably couldn't have gone anyway as I had my son and there's still a way to go before we spend time together as a family but I mentioned a few times about how I was sad to miss another bbq and he never said anything to suggest that he would have liked to have me there.

LooseyInTheSky Fri 25-May-18 23:22:30

Is he close to his family? If so, yes it's weird. If not, its them he doesn't see as a priority, not you.

19lottie82 Fri 25-May-18 23:24:50

He’s hiding something. Either that or he’s just not that into you. Sorry.

Why hasn’t he met your family? Has that been your choice or his?

Littlelambpeep Fri 25-May-18 23:25:28

Back off from him.. he is hiding something

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:28:53

Erm not massively close. He probably sees his parents about once a month and only really spends time together such as weekends for bbq's if it's a special occasion or something. I mentioned it previously and he just said he's not that close to his family so it doesn't make that much of a difference to our relationship. I asked if that meant he wasn't going to tell them and he said of course he was as not to would be super weird! That was about 6/7 weeks ago.

We are both quite closed and because of this I think recently I've become even more closed (fear of rejection) so closing down a bit and I think it's probably making it worse. Maybe I need to be stronger and talk about these things more but then I find it hard and wonder why it's always me.

Wolfiefan Fri 25-May-18 23:30:02

It's been a year. If he's keeping you a secret now it's because he isn't seeing this as a proper relationship.

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:32:57

In terms of meeting my family he has never suggested it. I haven't either but I'm not going to when he isn't letting me in at all in that respect. It's a two way process.
I genuinely do not think he's hiding anything and I do think he likes me. He does tell me he loves me. I think he does want to be with me long term but wonder if there is something inside stopping him which is what is then stopping the investment. I understand in respect of the kids but can't understand why he can't tell his family about me. It does make me feel a bit rubbish.

HasAnyoneGotAProblemWithThat Fri 25-May-18 23:37:08

He isn't your partner. He's using you - at best he's your boyfriend. Sorry.

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:40:02

I'm 33 and feel too old to use the term boyfriend lol. He definitley isn't using me. I know things aren't right but I know him well enough to know that he isn't.

QuoadUltra Fri 25-May-18 23:42:03

He’s just not that into you.

Wolfiefan Fri 25-May-18 23:45:22

He's someone you text and shag.
Partners share lives and make decisions together. They aren't afraid to discuss things like family and when it's time for them to meet you.

Parker231 Fri 25-May-18 23:45:51

Sounds very unusual - what happens at Christmas, family birthdays, special occasions? What do you do when he goes to his parents?

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:47:21

It's strange because I actually think he is because of how he is with me. I think he is holding back emotionally but don't know why. Possibly fear of getting hurt. Do I try and work out what's going on and get him to communicate with me?

Wolfiefan Fri 25-May-18 23:48:36

If you can't talk to him then he really isn't a partner. I am struggling to see what you're getting out of this.

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:51:47

Well for my birthday we wasn't together (we were together 6 months, split for 4 then got back together 6 months ago so a year in total. He pursued me confirming that he did want a LTR). For his birthday last year he spent the weekend with kids and family and the day of his birthday with me but we had only been together 6 months and neither had met each other's kids so that was fine. Christmas we had only just got back together so I think it's his birthday coming up that's only the really significant occasion since we got back together and there's no plan for that yet. Our main holidays we will spend separately but they were arranged months ago so fair enough given the situation with our kids.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 25-May-18 23:52:40

He's 'holding back' because he isn't that interested. If you want commitment, dump and move on. If you're happy with a friendly-but-casual situation and just worried about what other people might say, carry on enjoying your time with him.

justwishiwasnormal Fri 25-May-18 23:54:13

Wolfiefan we do in general have a good relationship. We get on well, never argue, have fun together, have a connection, similar goals and outlook, similar interests, he's great with my son so there are a lot of positives. We don't just text and shag as someone so politely put it shock

Angie169 Fri 25-May-18 23:56:54

this does not sound like a normal relationship to me , it sounds like he is hiding something it may be something about himself or about some / one of his family .
Is it possible that someone is his family have a shady past / racist / alcoholic etc and he does not want you to find out ?

Parker231 Sat 26-May-18 00:01:56

Sorry but your situation isn’t a relationship- have you discussed a future together? Why not jointly host a BBQ this weekend inviting both sets of family and friends?

Ruffian Sat 26-May-18 00:03:54

Needlessly rude replies here and I don't see signs of hiding anything, just someone being very careful and cautious.

You've already had one big break up so it makes sense to take it very slow before getting too involved with each other's families in case it all goes wrong again.

PolkaHots Sat 26-May-18 00:04:52

I think he is holding back emotionally but don't know why. Possibly fear of getting hurt. Do I try and work out what's going on and get him to communicate with me?

Nope.

You’re trying to make this about him having hidden depths, a complicated psyche that you can help uncover. However you haven’t said anything that would make me think it was anything other than him not being all that bothered. When people are in causal relationships they can still laugh and chat and have shared values as the other person, without wanting things to progress.

Merryoldgoat Sat 26-May-18 00:05:41

Don’t be one of those women who constantly over analyse everything.

If he wanted you to meet his family he’d have arranged it.

He tells you he loves you but words are cheap. How does he show you and prove it to you? Love is expressed in actions.

Have you posted about him before? This sounds extremely familiar...

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