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...to not take this dream job?

(39 Posts)
KentishMama Fri 25-May-18 09:44:12

I am currently not working following a departure from a really crap job. The only redeeming feature of the crap job was that it was local and part-time, so work-life balance was good. I was spending lots of quality time with DS (3).

I've been offered a new job.

The job is:
- a very senior role with a cool, growing business in my preferred industry
- highly paid (not far off from being six figures)
- very exciting intellectually

... but it is also:
- full time
- a three-hour commute (90 mins each way), although I will be able to work from home once a week or so

I have done this commute for many years, but left it because I was approaching burn-out. So to make the new job work, we would have to move closer to that place of work. Houses there are much more expensive, so our mortgage would be increased by ~£75-100k for a slightly smaller house than we currently have.

Alternatively, I could:
- just say NO to the job offer
- swap our current house for a slightly more modest one in this area (which I love)
- do a bit of freelancing / p-t work to supplement income (DH's salary would cover mortgage and basic needs, but not fancy holidays, home improvements etc)

We can't quite afford to stay in our current home long-term if I don't work, but the houses we could afford one one salary are still perfectly nice.

AIBU to consider not taking the big, important dream job and simplify our lives instead?

If relevant: DH and I have always been very equal earners. He is okay with both options. In fact, I think he'd slightly prefer it if I said NO to the job as he likes the idea of slowing down a bit. But he will support my decision either way.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity Fri 25-May-18 09:47:11

You've answered your own question there. Do what suits your life and will make you happy. You don't HAVE to have a high powered and stressful job to prove yourself. Only do it if you have a burning desire to. It is a fantastic opportunity for someone, but it might not be right for you

Polarbearflavour Fri 25-May-18 10:14:57

Are any jobs dream jobs though really?

FASH84 Fri 25-May-18 10:29:31

Can you take the dream job for a few years, save the excess salary and be able to stay where you are?

midnightmisssuki Fri 25-May-18 10:32:03

I would take the job.

KentishMama Fri 25-May-18 10:32:53

Yes, FASH84, that's definitely an option, but I don't know if I can do 3h of commuting every day for several years again. DS is 3. I'd come home between 7:30 and 8 pm every night. I basically wouldn't see him...

AgentProvocateur Fri 25-May-18 10:33:34

I'd take the job too. Particularly if you can't afford to stay in your current house.

Storm4star Fri 25-May-18 10:42:39

I would choose work life balance over money every single time. You won't get that time back with your DC and if you can manage fine without taking it then why do it?

People tie themselves to the bigger houses, the nice cars etc and then state they "need" to work to fund it all. They don't need to. They want to, because they don't want to live a more modest life. That's fine. Each to their own. But it doesn't mean it's the "right" way. Its just one of many choices we can make as adults.

Think about what will actually make you happy and do that. Surely our goal in this life is happiness after all?

ISeeTheLight Fri 25-May-18 10:45:39

I wouldn't take the job. We recently did the reverse - we moved away from London. Yes I had a "dream job", in a prestigious (highly sought after) company, leading a big team, lots of responsibilities, dealing with some of the biggest world-wide clients in advertising. But work-life balance was terrible. Commute was close to 3 hours, DD was in nursery 8am-7pm every day. I was miserable. It was horrendous for my mental health.

So we moved, far away. I now still work full-time, but I took a pay cut, and my commute is 10min door-to-door. We're actually better off due to the lower cost of living, and MIL does most of the childcare (also helps that DD now gets 30hrs free).

I still have an interesting job, I'm pretty senior, and I basically do what I want at work. DD is much happier too, and it's helped with our relationship. DP kept his job in London but works from home 90% of the time (he's lucky).

Surely there is some sort of middle ground? You can get a part-time job, or a job much closer to home? IMO life and seeing your child isn't worth sacrificing for career purposes.

birdonawire1 Fri 25-May-18 10:47:06

If you’ve been away from DS for a few days has it been difficult? He will be going to nursery soon so that may affect your decision.
Any chance of a job share?

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 25-May-18 10:48:11

Yes take the job.dont get let this brilliant opportunity slide
Pack it in with the handwringing and I’ll never see the boy.youre talking self out of it
And don’t get swept along by hallmark sentimentality that no one job is worth more than widdle children
Take the job,commute, see how it pans out,and it’ll open opportunities

Onlyoldontheoutside Fri 25-May-18 10:55:05

Take the job and move nearer to reduce travelling.Plough excess wage intopay mortgage down.Your child will be in school in a year.If after a few years you hate then house/mortgage wise you will have more choices.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 25-May-18 10:58:15

If your dp wants to slow down he can change hours,or is it only you he wants to slow down?
Your dp slowing down can help you accommodate your new job

Redtartanshoes Fri 25-May-18 11:04:08

Take it.

It’s a job, you aren’t being sold into slavery. You might love it, and if so use the extra money for nice things and paying off your mortgage. If you don’t, you leave. Either way your ds will be fine.

CMOTDibbler Fri 25-May-18 11:08:58

I'd move for the dream job. You'll be able to build a great pension pot and I think if you don't take it you will always think what if. And with your ds being 3 it is the perfect time to move as you'd be in place for school admissions.

Or even sell your house and rent near the job till you decide either way if you were considering downsizing if you don't take the job

Topsyloulou Fri 25-May-18 11:27:43

Personally I wouldn't take it as it stands. The commute is far too long to do everyday and I think you've already ruled the daily commuting out.

I wouldn't want to move my family until I was very sure that a job was right & id passed my probation period so that could mean commuting for 6 months by the time you've found a house etc. Could there be an option to rent your current house out & rent nearer to the job so you can see if it suits you all before you commit fully to buying.

Alternatively is there an option to work from home more than one day a week or stay over 1 night a week so you're only doing the commute 2 days etc? If you've been offered the role they obviously want you so try and make it as flexible as you can do so it meets your needs too. With email, phone & video conferencing you don't need to be physically present in the office everyday.

If you don't think you can get the right work life balance from it then I'd find a job closer to home where you can still be happy & fulfilled, whether that's part or full time. I'm currently considering my options as due back from mat leave soon & if I could find a job more locally that paid similar to my current role but without the commute I think I'd jump at it & my commute is only 40 minutes.

Manupprincess Fri 25-May-18 11:28:21

Could you stay overnight two or three days a week? You could start later on the Monday, do longer hours for three then have a shorter day at home. You cut out the commute so saving lots of lost time and
seperate work/ home life. For a six figure salary I would be willing to accommodate as that can mean some immense advantages to you and your family over the years.

SweetCheeks1980 Fri 25-May-18 11:30:33

I'd personally say no because you wouldn't see your son. His little years are worth mire than any job.

heiheithechicken Fri 25-May-18 11:35:57

I personally probably wouldn't take it. But that's just me.
I've cut my hours down at work since having my 2nd as I felt I was spreading myself too thinly as a parent and at work.
I will concentrate on my career when they are a bit older/in school.

NotARegularPenguin Fri 25-May-18 11:40:31

I was going to say take the job until I saw you have a 3yo. I commute 3 hours a day and wouldn’t with a small child.

Could you negotiate working from home 2 days?

TammySwansonTwo Fri 25-May-18 11:46:46

I would struggle with this due to the timing - when does your child start school? I’d want a lot more flexibility until that point if possible.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 25-May-18 11:48:15

SweetCheeks,do you also discourage your dp from progressing his career. Because little years are worth more than any job.

FullOfJellyBeans Fri 25-May-18 11:49:16

For me it would depend a lot on what DH's hours were and what other help you would have with DS and how much you miss (or think you will miss in the future when DS is in school etc.) having a demanding career. Personally (and this is just me) I wouldn't do it for the money as a simple life suits me fine and (again just personally) I wouldn't do it if DS would have to spend very long hours in a nursery or with an au pair (unless I knew someone personally who would be great). OTOH I would seriously consider it if I could sort good childcare out as in 10 years time when DS is at secondary school you'll probably appreciate the career.

FullOfJellyBeans Fri 25-May-18 11:50:41

Also is it possible for DH to reduce his hours (or take a career break) if you do take the job?

FullOfJellyBeans Fri 25-May-18 11:52:27

SweetCheeks,do you also discourage your dp from progressing his career. Because little years are worth more than any job. I can't answer for sweetCheeks but yes I do think many women would discourage their partner from working long hours when their child is young. It's all very personal and in most situations there are no right or wrong answers.

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