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To think I am not being reasonable

(12 Posts)
Alessia92 Thu 24-May-18 21:23:44

Hi everyone!
So in 2 months me and my partner will be moving to Edinburgh after having had this planned for over 2 years.
Now, about a year and half ago, my SIL (sister in law) broke up with her fiance and they were living in Germany, so she decided to move to Edinburgh to stay close to his brother.
Last year, she asked if when we move to Scotland we could all live together, to which affer a very long sleepless night of thinking I said no, I’m sorry, but I am moving to Edinburgh because over there I can finally afford an house with 2 rooms with my partner, ence creating a family, withouth sharing anymore (after 6 years of it). She seemed to have understood and never brought it up again.
Comes yesterday, she calls her brother and says she is not happy where she lives now she wants to move with us, to which my parnter said again we will discuss it.
Now, a year later, I still want my own indipendence, my freedom of enjoying life with my partner.
I have told him how I feel, and that pheraps we could give her a copy of the house we are going to stay and that she could bring some of her stuff like a pijama or some clothes or a tooth brush and come and go whenever she pleases.
He was still upset and mad about it, said I am being unreasonable and mean.
Please can someone advise me, I know he loves his sister, but if think we should really compromise.

Returnofthesmileybar Thu 24-May-18 21:32:29

Do NOT give her a key and let her keep stuff, are you mad? She'll be fully moved in by the end of the month! Tell your oh if he wants to live with his sister over you that's fine but you aren't living with her. I think she has been sneaky thinking she would wait until nearer the time to apply the pressure. Be firm yanbu

ParentInCharge Thu 24-May-18 21:43:34

No one needs to leave items like toothbrushes or pyjamas if they live in the same city. Why would you need to sleep over at someone else's house when you could just go home? It would be a big NO from me. He's trying to ease his sister in. It'll be your home. Not a flatshare with housemates. Whilst there are exceptions of course, that lifestyle is usually for students, young people and singletons. Those starting off their careers and can't quite afford lone living yet. Bugger that when you're living with a DP and hoping to start a family.

Birdsgottafly Thu 24-May-18 21:56:19

Agree with pp, she should not leave anything at yours. If/when she stays, she brings what she needs, as any guest/visiting family does.

It isn't the 1800's, you don't have to feel responsible for a single Sister.

It suits her now because she isn't in a relationship.

Your DP needs to grow up and see his Sister as an independent adult. If he wants to live with his Sister, he can move in with her.

Surely it will restrict your sex life, at the very least?

Aprilmightbemynewname Thu 24-May-18 22:00:24

A special cup for when she visits is more than enough!! She isn't 12 and needs to be pandered to.

emmyrose2000 Fri 25-May-18 00:50:23

I'd be blunt with my DP and tell him he can live with me, or he can live with his sister, but he can't live with both of us together. If he didn't pick me immediately and without hesitation, I'd be looking for my own place and a new bf.

Whereismumhiding2 Fri 25-May-18 01:37:21

Er ... no!
You, his DP, want to live on your own with your DP without a third wheel. You don't want to live with her!
Deal breaker.

Why would you give her a key and let her leave stuff unless you are willing for it to escalate into her moving in by stealth... Staying over increasingly and then just 'not going home.... and slips into " ... but it makes more sense, since I stay here so much, I should move in..."
Take evasive action early
maybe suggest to him how would he feel if your mum /friend/ auntie moves in, if he wants his DS to move in!

It's nice to be company sometimes, you will nearby but she need to live her own life and eat/sleep at her own house except for 'maybe Tues eve dinners equally shared at hers / then yours ' (or another compromise but no regular staying over!! ).

agnurse Fri 25-May-18 03:23:07

Sometimes I daydream about sharing a (large) house with one or more of my siblings and their families, but it strikes me that unless you each buy half of a duplex (semi-detached) or you buy two terraced houses next to one another, you could potentially run into problems. How will you divide rent and bills? Will you have two kitchens or how will you share meal prep? How will you divide the house? Now, I have heard of cases where people built a "granny flat" or something similar in their basement or above their garage, and usually these would have their own kitchen and bathroom setup. But again you would have to negotiate rent and bills.

Lacucuracha Fri 25-May-18 04:05:51

YANBU OP. You don't have to compromise on this. You're in a relationship with DP, not DP and his sister and he has no right to insist that she lives with you, and you don't even have to give her a key.

If he doesn't get that, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship and buying a house with him or moving with him.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Fri 25-May-18 04:19:32

It’s a red flag that she’s an adult who is that dependent on her brother. Why can’t she take care of herself?

If she moves in she will be jealous of your relationship with your partner. She will demand to come first. The fact that it’s been settled but then she privately calls him with her sob story should tell you she doesn’t see your opinion as important and expects her relationship with her brother to trump yours.

If you let her move in it will be far worse in the long run. I speak from experience. Don’t let it get to the point she’s screaming at you that blood is thicker than water because you and her brother sold your monopoly houses to someone else. Bitter, bitter experience. She still hates me. It’s been 20 years.

AlexLdn Sat 26-May-18 11:51:56

Thank you everyone, my DP has finally come to the conclusion that we need to move forward as a young couple, and that there won’t be any SIL moving or her having our keys.
We agreed on looking for an house reasonably close to hers, but that is about it.
I’m very relieved that he cMe to this conclusion by himself, as it shows me that he is capable of thinking what is best for our relationship.

Peace smile

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 26-May-18 13:56:28

OP, you’ve uncloaked. You might want to get the thread/this message deleted...

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