Dad doesn't inform friend of plans to do with their child

[Beautywithalittleugly]

Firstly I'm writing this on behalf of friend who doesn't have MN.
Her ex partner asked to have their son for a few hours to which she said yes. She didnt see or hear from son for three days. She was calling and texting him but he wouldn't answer the phone (6 times, split over the time he had him). When he did bring him back she told him she doesn't mind how much time he spends with their son but next time can he just call and let her know what the plan is. He said it's his son and he doesn't have to tell her anything.

Here's a bit of background: he only sees his son every 2-3 months, pays nothing towards the child and when he does call which is the day he wants him, he expects her to drop her plans otherwise there is an argument.

She asked me ISBU to want to know the plans so she is not stuck at home waiting because she doesn't know when he will be back. I said no, what do you all think?

[AnathemaPulsifer]

She is not being unreasonable at all. I'd likely have called the police if my kids weren't home by my bedtime and had only been expected to be out for a few hours. THREE DAYS

[ginplease8383]

She is definitely not being unreasonable next time is the Police! She’s the resident parent he’s taking the piss!!!

[ems137]

I'd have called the police and made an urgent application to the courts for his immediate return.

[Flaminglingos]

All contact from now should be at a contact centre. She needs to see a solicitor and have formal contact & financial arrangements put in place.

Next time he is late with dropping off her son and refusing to contact, she should call the police and say he's been kidnapped.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I wouldnt allow him to have the child as he clearly cant be trusted.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Since he barely sees his child. Its unfair to the kid that to be with a near stranger, away from the parent who knows.

[TheBlueDot]

Poor child, thinking he’s going off for a few hours and turns out to be 3 days.

She’s absolutely right to insist on a set contact time. Her ex is not thinking of the impact on their DC.

[emmyrose2000]

I'd have called the police if he hasn't been back by bedtime.

It'd also be the last time he saw the child until the boy was 18 and could make up his own mind.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Wow. SHe is absolutely NOT BU and what everyone else said is right - if he does that again then call the police.

Was he abusive while they were together as well?

[mathanxiety]

Is there a court order wrt residence of the child? Who is the residential parent?
Is there a court ordered visitation schedule?

Does she really intend to let him see the child whenever he wants?
This is a ludicrous arrangement to try to operate with someone who has demonstrated such contempt for her and such an entitled attitude towards the child.

She needs to get a visitation schedule in place that a court can enforce.

If the child is not returned when he is supposed to be returned then she will be within her rights to call police if she has a court ordered visitation schedule. If he breaches it, he is in contempt of court.

Without an order she has no recourse to any official help and no right to insist on any time of return. This man could whisk the child out of the country or keep him for months and she would be powerless.

She should also go after him for child support.

Tell your friend to hire a solicitor.
Or stop letting her son go off with his father and let the father hire a solicitor if he wants contact.

[Whereismumhiding2]

That really wasn't ok: That he didn't reply to tel calls when he wasn't back as expected and left her worried about her son's welfare, even though he was with his DF...

Maybe she could apply for a defined child contact order on basis of this? Or suggests he does, given that scary ?weekend. And she keeps her texts/screen shots unanswered calls to him as evidence. It's really up to her how she deals with it or even if she does. She might not want to rock the boat.

How old is DS? She could have rung police for welfare check if she was worried. (I'd have been panicked that they were in an accident!)

I'm assuming it was 3 days over a weekend rather than DS missing school if he's school aged.

He ought be paying towards his DS anyway, but that is a separate issue.

[Whereismumhiding2]

He doesn't sound like a reliable or great dad tbh, as his contacts are last minute and sporadic/occasional. Hard for him to show he is a dedicated caring father with that behaviour. He sounds controlling so he might create a web of lies so be aware it might be a tough experience

Courts do let unreliable 'not great' dad's (or mums), see their children and work upwards to fortnightly w/e contact if they suddenly become reliable for period court case going through.

Police can't return child even if residency & court ordered contact in place and child not returned, unless welfare reason, supervised contact order that's been breached, prohibitive steps order breached or other actionable conditions attached to original order. That has to go back to court. They might make a supervised contact order if he does it again or even from the start.

Supervised contact doesn't last forever so if he turns up regularly/no issues it moves on to unsupervised...
It doesn't sound like friend had major welfare concerns for DS, from your OP, other than very understandable upset at not knowing where he was nor what her XP was playing at.
Worrying behaviour though, that little boy isn't a pawn for his DF to prove a point over. Was her DS upset?

[ToesInWater]

Your friend needs some proper legal advice so she knows exactly what she can and cannot do. Please do not listen to the batshit crazy people here who have absolutely no idea about how the family law system works!

[Beautywithalittleugly]

Yes he was abusive, that's why they broke up. She said she would rather him have little contact instead of none at all. This is because her son is always asking to see his dad. The child is 10 and yes it was over the weekend.

[Beautywithalittleugly]

I told her to get legal advice but she doesn't want to rock the boat, well not yet.

[Beautywithalittleugly]

No there was no safeguarding issues, she just felt he should have let her know his plans. Her child was not upset at all, he didn't know what the plan was. Said he had fun and done lots of things with his dad.

[SkyZoomerChase]

If she trusts him to have DS still and he's 10, then can she give DS a phone to contact him on?
Personally I'd have phoned the police that evening to do a welfare check.

[AllMYSmellySocks]

3 days? I would have called the police by the time he didn't come home that evening! They need to have a court ordered plan surely.

[VioletCharlotte]

No surprise to me that he was abusive. He's using his son as a way of controlling her. The Police won't do anything unless there's a court order in place (I know this from experience).

I'd advise getting a court order asap, otherwise he'll just carry on behaving like this.

How does the child feel about his Dad? Does he want to see him and like spending time with him?

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

She may not want to rock the boat. But how is she gonna feel if he just decides not bring him home ever?

[emmyrose2000]

But how is she gonna feel if he just decides not bring him home ever?

There's a case in the news near me right now involving something like this.

The parents had split and the mother took the kids for a few hours and none of them were seen again for four years. They were found a few weeks ago hundreds of miles away from their original home. Names changed etc. The father had been searching for them since the day they'd disappeared. The mother is now in jail on child stealing charges. I don't know all the ins and outs, but for the mother to have been jailed, rather than this just being dealt with as a custody dispute, implies there was good reason she was't granted full custody in the first place.

[newdaylight]

Get arrangements solidified by court.
It's not a police matter so they won't so anything