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I'm v low contact with my mother, but should I send this message for Repeal the 8th?

(64 Posts)
Precariousforever Thu 24-May-18 17:10:53

My mother and I have a difficult relationship. We are Irish and she had me as a teenager in the eighties, not a great time for unmarried mothers in general. Her own mother brought me up, with whom I had a great relationship with.

We have not spoken for six months bar a few text messages. There was bad feeling but no argument or row, but I feel very hurt and I guess she does too. Neither of us have phoned the other. I just don't feel like it would be welcomed from me. I have felt rejected by her quite a few times along the way, and at other times we've had so much warmth and closeness. It's difficult because of how family dynamics played out. I'm not sure she thinks much of me as a person. Sometimes I feel she's deeply angry she got a dud daughter after all that sacrifice.

Tomorrow is a very important day in Ireland, we're voting to Repeal the 8th. I hope it gets through. It's making me strangely more emotional about the shit with my own mother, and I want to text ad say, look I know we aren't really in contact but I do love you and thank you for not making that journey to England when you were pregnant with me as I know it was very difficult for you, and I love you.

Do I sound mental?

Or more realistically, do I sound like I'm begging for love? I don't want to do that, I just want to let her know I am aware of how hard it was for her, and I do love her, even if I've not picked up the phone as I'm not sure she wants to hear from me. But, I think a text is less intrusive, as we've sent a couple of those.

Any thoughts?

SleepingStandingUp Thu 24-May-18 17:14:01

Please forgive my utter ignorance but what os repeal the 8th? I'm assuming abortion related?

I think its rarely inappropriate to tell someone we love that we love them. Prepare for what you'll shop if she doesn't reply but I think send it, you'll regret not trying more than you will being brave x

DrMantisToboggan Thu 24-May-18 17:16:13

You may want to consider what kind of response you’ll get, which might end up upsetting you even more.

Why not just send her a nice text, without the “thanks for not travelling” part?

shoofly Thu 24-May-18 17:21:39

I get where you're coming from. I'm in the North, frequently in bits about the "In her Shoes" stories at the moment and in common with most of the women of my acquaintance, desperately hopeful and a little emotional about tomorrow.

I think that it's nice to text her

I just want to let her know I am aware of how hard it was for her, and I do love her, even if I've not picked up the phone as I'm not sure she wants to hear from me

This bit of your op made my eyes a bit leaky, I really hope she gets your intention too.

SparkyBlue Thu 24-May-18 17:23:09

I am in Ireland as well and honestly I wouldn't send it as I think this referendum has really caused heightened emotions with people and a lot of people are feeling very sensitive at the moment so the message might not be appreciated in the way you mean. I hope I am making sense sorry I have ds currently swinging out of my leg.

ghostyslovesheets Thu 24-May-18 17:24:53

Sorry OP I'm sure it's been hard on you but in the nicest way possible your comment thank you for not making that journey to England when you were pregnant with me really make it look like you are trying to make a huge and important vote all about you!

Why not just contact her and say hi - wanted to let you know I appreciate you even though we aren't close?

JustHereForThePooStories Thu 24-May-18 17:26:53

I wouldn’t send it. I think it reads almost sarcastically.

IJustHadToNameChange Thu 24-May-18 17:28:54

Hell no!

Messaging someone you're barely in contact with about such and emotive and contentious issue is asking for trouble.

Ebony69 Thu 24-May-18 17:30:41

I welled up reading the OP. How touching. If it’s meant as genuinely as it sounds, you should send it. I hope your mother appreciates it.

MrsPicklesonSmythe Thu 24-May-18 17:31:31

"Sorry OP I'm sure it's been hard on you but in the nicest way possible your comment thank you for not making that journey to England when you were pregnant with me really make it look like you are trying to make a huge and important vote all about you!"

What a strange thing to say.

Op I think the last part about you understanding how hard it was for her etc would be nice for her to hear if that's what you want to tell her. flowers

Precariousforever Thu 24-May-18 17:31:56

Thanks, all of you. Jeez I don't mean it sarcastically at all, nor trying to make it all about me. I won't send it then. I feel for her as that teenager who must have been so scared and confused about what was the best thing to do, and despite all our differences I wanted to say I love her and acknowledged how tough she'd had it. It just goes to show how meaning can be misunderstood, I won't send!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 24-May-18 17:34:40

You don't know that she made an active choice to keep you.

She might have desperately wanted an abortion but not known how to get one overseas (pre-internet remember) or had the funds/ability to travel to the UK, stay for a little while and get it all arranged. Many many women who wanted abortions couldn't get them. Many many unwanted babies were born.

Don't message her, unless it is to ask her what she thinks of the 8th, given her personal experiences. Only do that if you can take the possible response that she wishes she'd had the freedom to terminate you.

I'm sorry but I think you are projecting what you want to be true onto her and your proposed message comes across as needy and presumptive to me rather than kind. Sorry.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 24-May-18 17:35:23

X-post. I think you've made the right decision.

MikeWyzowski Thu 24-May-18 17:37:08

I'm in Ireland, was a teenager in the 80s and would not have been able to organise myself enough to go to England (maybe it was the same for your mum?). My parents would have kicked me out too. While objecting to abortion. They made this very clear. For all that OP I would send that message. Do it for you so whatever response, if any, you get won't matter.

I think unless you have grown up in Ireland, it must be difficult to fully grasp how it feels to have so little control over this aspect of your body. Hence I'm not sure UK posters really understand your pov.

I'm hoping for a very firm and positive YES

Hissy Thu 24-May-18 17:40:22

Sweetheart, my heart breaks for you.

You never got the love you should have got from your mother, and nothing is ever going to change that. She’s fallen short pretty much at every step, if you text her now, she’ll fail you again.

I know what you meant to say, and you know what you mean and that’s the kind of self love that you need to do more of, to fill the hole where your mother should have been.

She’ll never be the mother you need her to be, if you keep giving her the opportunity to change, it’s just going to hurt you every time.

I’m so sorry, i know this pain. It’s awful.

Huge hugs, and we’re all glad you’re here too! 😊

ForgivenessIsDivine Thu 24-May-18 17:43:16

I am Irish. We have a hugely emotional story in our lives and I wish I had the strength to go against family wishes, find my lost cousin and tell her my Mum loved her and I love her.

I do not think that people who have not lived with intense misogyny in Ireland will not understand your feelings. I find similar cultural differences between Ireland and England regarding funerals.

Send the text, maybe leave out the bit that implies she nearly went ahead with an abortion.
'Mum, tomorrow is a big day in lives of Irish women and has brought a load of emotions with it. I wanted to say, thank you for being my Mum and I love you.'

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Thu 24-May-18 17:48:11

OP do you know for sure that she had the option of travelling to England back then?

Precariousforever Thu 24-May-18 17:49:37

I'm on the bus so can't respond properly at the moment but I do know she didn't want an abortion. We've talked about it. I guess she might be sugarcoating it for me, but taking her on face value she didn't want one despite the alternative being no picnic either.

Precariousforever Thu 24-May-18 17:50:53

Will be reading thread through properly once home! Thanks though, I don't feel like discussing this with anyone in real life tonight.

EC22 Thu 24-May-18 17:51:18

Runtabbits reply echoes my thoughts.

CiderwithBuda Thu 24-May-18 17:52:21

I’m also Irish and grew up in the 80s. Well 70s/early 80s.

I think sending her a message to say something like “all the coverage for the vote has reminded me of just how hard it must have beenfor you when you had me and I want to say I’m glad you are my mother”.

I used to joke that I would not have had to try to decide between keeping a baby or travelling as my dad would have killed me if I’d gotten pregnant. But it wasn’t far wrong. My mum had my youngest sister in 79 and I was 14/15. A few girls in the neighbourhood were pregnant and I got so many lectures from relatives and family friends about not getting in trouble or bringing shame on the family.

And I agree that if you were brought up in the UK it’s probably very hard to understand. Contraception was illegal. The back pages of magazines like Cosmopolitan etc where the classified ads were who had ads for Pregnancy Advisory services were blank due to censorship. People had to travel up to the North to buy condoms. It was seen as so shameful to get pregnant out of wedlock.

gluteustothemaximus Thu 24-May-18 18:03:58

Do you really love her? If you do, then say so.

But the way it reads. You've always had a difficult relationship, you were brought up by your gran and not her, you haven't spoken for months, and you think she's angry you are a dud daughter for all her sacrifices?

What did she sacrifice?

Doesn't sound like a loving mum from the OP. Sorry.

Sounds like you're emotional with the vote and want to reach out to her. But it doesn't seem like there's anything to reach out for.

MiggeldyHiggins Thu 24-May-18 18:06:56

it reads like "I'm a no voter and I hope you are too" to me. Which I imagine (hope) is not your stance at all.

Poodles1980 Thu 24-May-18 18:13:40

I agree with a few people here. As a fellow Irish person imo you could send something like “it’s a big day for the women of Ireland tomorrow and it made me think about you and I just wanted to say I love you”.
I know how you feel about not wanting to discuss this with real people today. It’s the most emotive and divisive issue we have ever faced as a nation. For anyone who is wondering what the vote is about. Irish people are voting to remove the 8th amendment from our constitution. The amendment currently gives rights to an unborn baby which means that abortion is illegal as well as restrictions in treating a woman in certain medical situations where there is a risk to the unborn baby I.e. cancer treatment or serious illness.

sonjadog Thu 24-May-18 18:16:16

I think the sentiment is lovely, bit you would be sending something very personal and emotional to someone who hasn’t been there for you for that kind of relationship previously. How are you going to feel if she replies telling you to fuck off, or to never send her anything like that again, or even just completely ignores you? Think carefully before you make yourself vulnerable.

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