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To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

(182 Posts)
Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 16:41:09

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:
1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

RLOU88 Thu 24-May-18 16:44:46

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I wouldn’t be watching out for anything else if I were your SIL. He wouldn’t be anywhere near him!

happypoobum Thu 24-May-18 16:47:00

yanbu it does sound creepy....

Chickychoccyegg Thu 24-May-18 16:51:04

Sounds weird to me too - it no was sil I'd be keeping well away!!

TammySwansonTwo Thu 24-May-18 16:53:37

As someone who was abused by my own father, she needs to put a stop to this right now. This isn’t right at all. DH and I aren’t even that like that with our own children who are just a bit younger.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thu 24-May-18 16:53:59

What's your brother's take on all this? I think I'd be sitting the pair of them down, calmly tell them what's happening and hopefully they will take action never let him see the child again. I'd also be looking for somewhere else to live.

Trinity66 Thu 24-May-18 16:54:52

That sounds really creepy, I'm surprised your SIL or Brother hadn't picked up on it as much as you. Don't ignore your instincts on this, it isn't worth the risk

HateTheDF Thu 24-May-18 16:54:55

Sounds weird to me too, the least I would be doing is not allowing him alone with the child

mirime Thu 24-May-18 16:55:04

Based on what you've put there I'd not let him anywhere near my child.

Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 17:00:19

So these things happen more when my bro & SiL aren’t here so (they use my mum for childcare about once a fortnight) which is why they haven’t really seen it themselves.

Branleuse Thu 24-May-18 17:02:24

you need to say something that you think hes really over familiar and something doesnt sit right with you.

Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 17:03:33

@ohwhatfuckery
I didn’t go to my bro as he has a history of anger management issues and would likely just punch my stepdad in the face. My nephew is due to be here for the afternoon tomorrow but I’m gonna take him out instead of leaving him at the house.

Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 17:04:08

Who do I say something to though? My mum? My stepdad?

HateTheDF Thu 24-May-18 17:06:12

@Hendrix1 that's even more worrying to me if he does it more when they aren't there.

Whether I've seen it or not, if another family member said that to me I'd be not letting him near my child.

Trinity66 Thu 24-May-18 17:07:00

Who do I say something to though? My mum? My stepdad?

I wouldn't do that because they will get defensive about it and you don't have any "proper" proof that he's doing anything. I would say it to your brother though, he's his dad so has a right to know what's going on

UserInfinityplus1 Thu 24-May-18 17:09:52

Please raise it again with your SIL and for God sake don't let him be alone with your nephew. I'm not usually one for hysterics (especially online) but this sounds fucked!

Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 17:11:57

Fuck I was hoping you all would say I was being unreasonable! Right I think I’m gonna pop over to see my bro & SiL tomorrow eve for a good chat about it all

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thu 24-May-18 17:12:35

I didn’t go to my bro as he has a history of anger management issues and would likely just punch my stepdad in the face and? (I'm not being serious obviously) He does have a right to know though. So is he not going to question why SIL is acting unusually, or worse case scenario, if the creepy fucker gets caught being creepy. Won't he be even angrier?

hungryhippo90 Thu 24-May-18 17:13:38

Please speak to your brother. Your SD is grooming your nephew.
Many of these warning signs you've mentioned we're done to me before I suffered SA by my abuser.

Please please keep your nephew as far away as possible.

BlueBug45 Thu 24-May-18 17:15:13

No you are being very reasonable. Your nephew and no young child should be around your stepdad particularly without another adult there at all times.

FooFighter99 Thu 24-May-18 17:20:36

Does your step-dad have any children of his own? Maybe he doesn't know what's classed as inappropriate because he has no point of reference?? Not trying to diminish in any way, just trying to look at it from all angles.

DuchyDuke Thu 24-May-18 17:21:22

You need to go direct to bro and sil with your concerns. You lived with them, if anyone knows something isn’t right it’s you.

summerinrome Thu 24-May-18 17:23:20

You were right to raise your concerns with the parents, even more importantly that you tell them how uneasy you are with the child being left with SD.

The kissing on the lips is just not right at all, nor is the nappy changing. Most men that are not the babies father run a mile at that point.

It is a matter for you whether you tell your mother, it is far better to the get the protection in place for the child. Your priority needs to be making sure your nephew's parents know in full what is happening. There are no boundaries, and he must not be left.

senioritabonita Thu 24-May-18 17:24:24

It is classic grooming techniques from the sound of it - establishing a right to touching and having secrets. I would tell your DB and SIL immediately but be prepared for a major fall out sad

I'm so sorry OP flowers

Hendrix1 Thu 24-May-18 17:26:46

@foofighter
Good point - No, no children of his own. He was married before and had step-children but they were teenagers / adults when he met them. He does talk about how much he loves seeing my nephew growing up as he hasn’t experienced it before

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