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AIBU to be upset DP kept this from me?

(81 Posts)
user1471605190 Thu 24-May-18 14:35:45

I live with my boyfriend at his Mum's while we are saving for a deposit to get our own place, and hope to move out next year. We are in a really loving and stable relationship - we've never really had a big argument in the five years we've been together, until a few years ago I found out through his mum that he had signed up to Sky despite only staying at his DM's once a week. I was annoyed he didn't tell me and the fact he was wasting money away. Fast forward to yesterday, I found out from MIL that DP has put her bills on his credit card. I didn't know he had a credit card. When he got in from work I asked him outright and he told me he got it last year to put any bookings for holidays on there for an extra layer of security as he didn't trust the tour companies we used etc. This does make sense, but now I want to see for myself how much he has on there. I don't even mind he has a credit card but wish he just told me and I hadn't found out from his mother AGAIN. I feel less confident going into a house with DP when he's hiding things like this that could impact on our future if he doesn't use it sensibly. He has a lot of things on finance - car, laptop, xbox, phone & phone contract and has always paid on time to my knowledge and is always accepted for credit when he's applied so he must be managing it well. I don't feel he makes rash purchases he can't afford but i'm still annoyed he kept it from me.

AIBU to be annoyed and is it acceptable to question him about how much he has racked up or is it none of my business? I'll be putting in the whole deposit for a house so I will have a lot more invested that he will if it goes tits up.

Pippylou Thu 24-May-18 14:38:38

If you put in the whole deposit on the house, make sure you are "tenants in common" not joint tenants. Take the solicitor's advice on how to protect your deposit.

Pippylou Thu 24-May-18 14:39:45

"We" aren't saving for a house, you are...

NotAnotherUserName5 Thu 24-May-18 14:41:03

Yanbu. You need financial transparency if you are buying a house together.

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 24-May-18 14:41:06

I think it's a tough one, did he deliberately conceal it from you or did he just not bother telling you?

I've been married for over 6 years and might get a credit card without telling my DH (if I forgot to mention it). I'd pay off the full balance every month and would just be getting it for payment protection. If he deliberately hid it from you that's worse. Do you have a habit of trying to micromanage his financial choices? If so why? Is he irresponsible with money? (not accusing you of anything here just trying to get a picture)

AmazingPostVoices Thu 24-May-18 14:47:30

No, no, no, no.

He is lying to you about finances.
He’s finally fed are tangled with his Mum’s?

You do not undertake a financial commitment like buying a house with someone unless you have complete financial transparency.

And you don’t.
And it doesn’t look like he can be trusted.

What legal protection are you putting in place to protect your deposit in case you break up?

Do not buy a house with this man.

AnnieAnoniMouser Thu 24-May-18 14:49:27

Why are YOU putting up the full deposit?

I imagine the vast majority will say it’s ‘his credit card, his business’, but not to me it’s not. If you are buying a house together, knowing what debt he already has is important.

However given he’s lied to you, hidden that’s he’s paid his Mum’s bills etc, I wouldn’t buy a house with him.

I would take a big step back. I’d move out of his Mums & get my independence back before deciding what to do.

I would DEFINITELY NOT buy a house in joint names with him. No way and DOUBLE NO if YOU are putting the full deposit in. Just NO WAY. You’d be a complete fool to do that (sorry).

Pemba Thu 24-May-18 14:52:53

I am a bit confused. You said you are living with him at his Mum's to save for a deposit, but later when you talk about Sky you say he only stays there once a week? Also, why are you the only one putting in the deposit, why can't he save for it too?

altiara Thu 24-May-18 14:54:43

Why don’t you buy a house by yourself?
You’ve already said you’re saving to move out next year so you’re both clearly planning that he still won’t be contributing over the next year either. Why would you do that?

pigmcpigface Thu 24-May-18 15:06:50

I think it's sensible for both parties to have full disclosure on their finances before buying a house together. That means knowing about ALL debts.

I said the same thing on a thread last week where a very wealthy lady was getting married, so I can hand-on-heart say that I would give the same advice if the genders were reversed. smile

expatinscotland Thu 24-May-18 15:12:35

Buy a house on your own.

Juells Thu 24-May-18 15:13:38

I can't understand the situation either. Is he paying the household bills because you're both staying there? Are you able to save the deposit because you're living free at his mum's? Is he not saving at all? Is the deposit in a joint account?

Jaxhog Thu 24-May-18 15:18:04

Buy the house in your name, and get him to 'contribute' to the household finances. Then when you break up (and you will) you'll be covered.

Charolais Thu 24-May-18 15:25:59

How’s idea is it to go on holidays with ‘tour companies” - when you’re saving for a house.

senioritabonita Thu 24-May-18 15:26:55

I'd buy the house alone OP.

Nikephorus Thu 24-May-18 15:29:46

You said you are living with him at his Mum's to save for a deposit, but later when you talk about Sky you say he only stays there once a week?
Rereading it I think that must happened a fair while ago, presumably when they were living together but not at his mum's? But in that case I can't see the problem, unless they've been saving for years.

user1471605190 Thu 24-May-18 15:32:49

Sorry, essay

DP bought a car on finance a few weeks after we met which meant he didn't have much cash left after payday. I would often pay for things to allow us to have a life as a new couple (that phase of having meals out all the time etc). We lived with my parents at the beginning and he would stay at his DMs one night a week which is why he bought Sky. We are now both at his DMs full time so I can walk to work and must admit I do love watching Say Yes To The Dress on Sky! He has paid for our food shop which is around £30 a week for the last two years, plus petrol/insurance for the car (I don't drive) for him to get to work and for us to travel toplaces at the weekend. We usually take it in turns to pay for any weekend activities/meals out and I tend to put a larger sum in for holidays as I want to tick some places off before committing to a house. He pays his mum £290 for us to live there and I do not contribute towards this. I save £400 a month that goes into my own savings account and he doesn't save anything himself. I pay my parents £100 to keep my room should I wish to move back there. I have worked since I was 14 babysitting and waitressing all summer long for years to build this deposit so i've worked my ass off for it.

DP has always said that if he saved money we won't be able to go off and do weekends away which I like to do. I don't think this is strictly true but I am fortunate that I don't have to pay for a car and do not have anything on finance except a phone contract so I have much more freedom with my money and can transfer from the house fund if I so decide to. I know many people have credit cards and it's a great way to build credit ratings and for use in emergency's but I am annoyed that he didn't mention it. I don't know if it was intentionally to hide it from me (not telling me about Sky was certainly hidden from me) or if he knew I would be annoyed at him so didn't want to tell me. Ironically I wouldn't be, but am now I found out this way! If we get a house I would ensure that the entire deposit came back to me but it's hard to work out if to put both our names on it or just mine which would leave me screwed if we broke up. Or he contribute monthly until he's paid me back half of the deposit and then put him on the mortgage? I am not really sure how it all works.

I just don't know if to bring it back up again or if I am BU.

MycatsaPirate Thu 24-May-18 15:42:48

Say Yes to the Dress is on freeview (I'm sure that won't stop him having Sky but still.....)

Pippylou Thu 24-May-18 15:43:15

If he doesn't put into the deposit, then bogs off once you've bought it, you're still stuffed as he can make you sell it for his half of any equity and has rights over the house. At least if you buy it, you can get a lodger in...you have control and you can protect your deposit, as you can't be made to sell it (liable to lose cash if sold early in ownership).

I'm there with "his business is his own affair" but look at this shared sort of stuff like a business, expect the best, plan for the worst.

KinkyAfro Thu 24-May-18 15:43:31

You're paying your parents for a room you're not even using?

Nikephorus Thu 24-May-18 15:45:42

But if you were having meals out and trips away etc. then it wasn't like you were saving hard and so I don't see the problem with him spending on Sky, especially as his mum could watch it in his absence.
And I don't see the problem with having a credit card and not telling you as long as he's not racking up debts. As long as he's paying off the balance each month.
If you want to save up you'd both be better off agreeing to cut back on things like trips & holidays.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad Thu 24-May-18 15:51:11

Hang on -- I'm stalled at 'I pay my parents £100 to keep my room should I wish to move back there' shock Who on earth accepts money from their child to 'keep a room' for them...???
You could be saving that £100 a month - I'm sorry OP, but you don't sound as though you're really committed to this relationship if you're prepared to pay £1200 a year just on the off-chance that you might want to move back to your parents' house...

mum11970 Thu 24-May-18 15:52:24

You pay your parents a £100 retainer for a room you don’t use?? What heck is that all about? Also if you paid half the rent to his mum he would have £150 to save and build up a deposit. Think you need to sit down and workout an even split of the bills.

MiggeldyHiggins Thu 24-May-18 15:54:11

you pay only 290 a month for both of you to live at his mothers?

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 24-May-18 15:55:49

From your description you definitely don't trust him enough to consider buying a house together. I think it would be more fair if you shared the rent he pays to his mum and you bought the house eventually from your savings - could you get a mortgage without his income? He can then live with you there and pay a bit towards maintenance and half of bills etc which would allow him to save. If it works out and you get married - great the house is both of yours if not you've protected yourself.

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