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To be upset with my best friend

(104 Posts)
Bollockstoyou Thu 24-May-18 13:56:36

So I have know this girl for 30 years, we've been through so much together relationships, divorce, marriage bereavement. Loads of good times over the years, there has been a few times were I've paid for things like when I got married I got married abroad and my mum had just died so I wanted her there she couldn't afford it so I saved and paid for her and it was worth every penny just to have her there. A few years ago I had a house warming party I paid for her and her husband to stay in a local hotel so they could come as she said couldn't afford it. She came and started to show off her tattoo she just got earlier that week, I was a miffed to be honest but let it go, there's been a few small things like that that has happened.

Anyway fast forward a few years her and her husband moved to France, unfortunately she moved the same day as my dad died which isn't her fault but I always associate losing them both on the same day. She wasn't really there for me through all that as she was too busy with her own stuff, new life in France etc. I felt let down but got over it. I'm getting married in August this year, she did say to me she would still be there as it's only a short flight away. I sent the invite but she said they will be working all over summer, can't afford it and hates flying etc, I was disappointed but I still kept the friendship going, she then couldn't make the hen weekend as couldn't afford it, fair enough I wasn't going to offer to pay again. Anyway yesterday she posted on Facebook that she's flying over to the uk in September to go to a dance event thing, she's got her ticket, booked hotel and meeting various people. shock. I'm so upset, I don't want to say anything really as don't want a fight but I think this friendship is done. Would you be upset?

GloGirl Thu 24-May-18 14:01:28

She sounds awful, I would be terribly upset but use the opportunity to set up a change in my life with new friends and family around the wedding.

Fuck her.

MissionItsPossible Thu 24-May-18 14:05:18

Yes I would be very upset and it would be the final nail in what seems to be an increasingly unfriendly coffin.

kissthealderman Thu 24-May-18 14:06:07

Is she paying for the dance event trip herself, or is someone else paying for it?

It she genuinely not in a position to pay for these things, or is she a freeloader?

Pettyspaghetti Thu 24-May-18 14:06:42

Agreed. The friendship seems very one sided, you’re trying to keep it going and she’s taking the piss!
Focus on your new life with your future DH, it sounds like you should let her get on with her bullshit and concentrate on real, caring friendships. You shouldn’t be feeling this down about a best friend.

Yokatsu Thu 24-May-18 14:09:18

Second marriage? You mention two weddings

But yes you probably are more keen on her than she is one you, I'd let the friendship slide

GunpowderAndLead Thu 24-May-18 14:09:56

Dance was a priority, you were not. She's loved to another country this is your perfect out

repairandprotect Thu 24-May-18 14:10:51

I'm sorry OP. Move on. She's not worth the time and effort you're putting in. It's sad but often people grow apart.

TheFatkinsDiet Thu 24-May-18 14:10:59

Hmmm it definitely sounds as if she doesn’t care as much as you do about the friendship. I wouldn’t invest any more in it tbh.

I don’t really understand what happened here though;

“She came and started to show off her tattoo she just got earlier that week, I was a miffed to be honest but let it go, there's been a few small things like that that has happened.”

Was this around the time you lost one of your parents and you think she was being self-absorbed instead of supporting you?

That’s by the by though really. I’m just curious.

Bollockstoyou Thu 24-May-18 14:14:00

No I mean I payed for her and her husband to stay in hotel as couldn't afford it and then the same week she paid for a new tattoo which wasn't cheap! I still can't believe they took the money off me, I was a single mum at the time too!

My other friends have said the same thing, move on now

Singlenotsingle Thu 24-May-18 14:14:03

I'd be tempted to put a comment on her Facebook - "have a lovely time. Shame you couldn't make it to my wedding'

SleepingStandingUp Thu 24-May-18 14:14:09

I think the tattoo was after OP paid her hotel bill.

I'd probably tell her that you're disappointed she's able to come over for a dance show but not to share your happy day and then just stop trying

TheFatkinsDiet Thu 24-May-18 14:14:43

Oh I see! Yes, that’s very annoying.

SnowOnTheSeine Thu 24-May-18 14:16:16

I think the tattoo was being miffed at paying for a hotel for her friend as she "couldn't afford it" yet she could afford a tattoo.

OP some people just aren't on the same wavelength as to their importance to each other.

I had a friend (friends since we were 3). We both moved abroad. I would write emails but never get replies, or getting a one-liner months later, despite her being all over the internet (her blog etc.) every day.

I gave in and stopped contacting her and she never contacted me again. Sad, but I think we'd outgrown each other.

Whatshallidonowpeople Thu 24-May-18 14:17:00

Sounds like you'd both be better off.

SnowOnTheSeine Thu 24-May-18 14:17:04

But yes, I would be upset in your shoes

Bollockstoyou Thu 24-May-18 14:17:09

She knows I've seen this post, so she did start to message me saying oh work should of dyed down by then so and flights would be cheaper, did I want to come. I haven't replied. Should I just step away and ignore or tell her how I feel?

ChorleyFMcominginyourears Thu 24-May-18 14:21:01

Definitely tell her how you feel, if you can't be honest with her after decades of friendship then when can you?!

GunpowderAndLead Thu 24-May-18 14:21:12

Are you clear in your mind your done with her? If so you have nothing to lose by telling her everything you want to. It might make you feel better but be prepared for her to fire back which may make you feel like shit

DarlingNikita Thu 24-May-18 14:22:09

If you want to keep the friendship then tell her honestly how you feel.

If you don't, take the opportunity to just drop contact.

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 24-May-18 14:24:17

YANBU. Sounds like "can't afford it" to her actually means "can't be bothered unless someone else pays". Either she just doesn't care that much about the friendship or she's got into the habit of seeing you like a parent who will always just pay for her so she doesn't have to think about it.

Doyoumind Thu 24-May-18 14:24:31

If they are working in something associated with tourism/holidays then it will be true that August is really busy but September maybe less so. They would only have a few months of the year to make the majority of their income for the year. Also true that flights will be cheaper.

I'm not saying she's in the right or that you shouldn't be upset, but it might be genuinely difficult for her to afford if they have a limited income.

TheFatkinsDiet Thu 24-May-18 14:25:28

I don’t think you can just ignore her.

Am I right in thinking you did actually invite her to the wedding but she initially said no and now she’s offering to be a guest at your wedding hmm?

I’d probably just say that invites have all gone out and you’ve asked someone else instead of her or that you haven’t budgeted to have her there or something. Which I expect is true!

Ignoring her would just be confusing I think. A big confrontation wouldn’t be for me either. It’s a tricky one.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday Thu 24-May-18 14:27:23

I would be upset and loose touch with her. Not sure if I would explain or not - think she “gets it” anyhow by her now seeking to justify her actions. There are better friends out there and life is short.

gerdinenisaf Thu 24-May-18 14:30:54

Oh this is bad and so hurtful! There are many free loaders out there who take out huge chunks of your life if you allow them. They never reciprocrate, you will always be giving and hoping they really are nice people underneath . They never like it when you dump them, after all friends are only people who are "useful" to them. Find genuine friends who enjoy giving as well as taking.

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